Should I tell DH what BIL said about me?

[UserOneTrillion]

Have changed some details as this is quite outing.
A few weeks ago DD (3) was taken to hospital with a common virus which had turned nasty. No ambulances available but she needed emergency treatment - pretty terrifying situation. I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

MIL is staying with us, I get on with her well. She was showing me photos on her phone as she often does and handed it to me with a message open from BIL, seemingly on a group chat. It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a laughing face.

MIL didn’t realise what she’d done and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked and just really upset, DD was seriously unwell and rather than being supportive he’s just being a fucking twat, albeit behind our backs.

DH is supposed to be spending this weekend helping him move house which stings considering what he’s said about me. Should I tell DH or just try to forget about it? I really don’t want to upset MIL or get her involved.

I'd tell him. No secrets between partners.

How he then deals with his brother is up to him.
How you deal with BIL face to face , is up to you :-)

Christ. Too many on this thread seem to think fb is a piece of theatre and not just a collection of close friends and family that you can seek collective wisdom from. Its not like putting it in the papers ffs. She said she was waiting for a callback. Should she just sit and wait quietly so as not to draw attention. It is possible people might have some advice.

I would def tell my dh. Its something he'd want to know surely. What would be the most upsetting for me is the thought that people I loved and considered caring family members made a habit of gossiping and slagging me off behind my back (let's face it,
its extremely unlikely to hVe been a one off). I'd tell tour dh, ask him to tell dm he wants to see her phone and then go through all the message history. At least both of you know where you stand. I have zero tolerance for disloyalty between family members though.

Why would you have posted it here instead? What do you think they will tell you expect they to find a way to take her to the hospital?

You claim it was not attention seeking then you say you should have posted it here instead so you can get awww sorry, holding your hand posts right?

Really? Rather than pick up your phone and call specific people who may be able to help the approach is to post on Facebook in the hope someone will offer to come pick you?

That was really shitty of him Op. He seemed more bothered about slating and taking the piss out of you than having concern for his niece. I’d definitely tell my DH and I’d keep my distance from him in future.

you can post whatever you want on Facebook, just because others hate it doesn’t take away the fact your DD was very poorly.

I hope she’s on the mend ❤️‍🩹

I blame the rise and rise of tawdry reality TV. Too many morons are influenced by it and now labour under the misapprehension they are celebrities in their own lives - and that everyone is hanging on their every word, eager for the next update.

They're really, really not.

If my nephew was potentially very ill, supporting him and the family would be my focus. Any minor aggravations about how the news was shared would not come into it because a child in the family was sick! What kind of person doesn't get that and gossips about the mother.

I don't even use FB and do believe most of it is attention seeking but all you can do is let your DH know and tell him when he meets BIL to normally mention what happened, the ambulance delay, how worried all of you were etc just to show you were not lying and see his reaction. Don't confront him unless he has form for being a horrible person.

Id tell dh.

I really hate 'attention seeking' as some sort of insult or moral flaw.
Anyone using social media or socialising or talking about things is seeking contact and attention.
We all need attention sometimes. Needing some support advice and therefore attention is a bloody good use of social media compared to many uses of it.
Id also tell my BIL that if he wants to be a dick and bitch about me on a group chat then youd have thought he could at least use a better example than you being a concerned parent about your young child, his own niece who you previously assumed he gave a shit about.

I am far too menopausal to let that slide. Especially since hes still asking for favours, the two faced toad

Got to admit, I do roll my eyes a bit at those who share medical stuff on fb - so that bit wouldn't annoy me because I'd agree (maybe you even thought that yourself and that's why you deleted it?) The lying accusation would sting though and I'd be pissed about that.

More importantly though I'd be wondering why he felt so comfortable sharing his negative opinion of you on a family group. People normally only gossip in company where they think it'll be well received - that's the bit that would mostly bother me, especially if I thought I had a good relationship with those involved.

I'd tell DH, mainly because my face is incapable of hiding when I'm annoyed!

Oops, didn't mean to quote you @Ingrainedagainstthegrain

There's a massive difference between
""photo of sick kid"
Omg, walking 7 miles to hospital with X as there's no available ambulances for 12 hours. DM for deets. #PrsySheLives #MakingMemories #SickKid" when you grabbed a cab to get your kids sore toe looked at and
"can't get an ambulance for X, does anyone know what I can do for THIS condition until I can get her to hospital"

100% this

I would be more worried about the fact that he felt comfortable posting that in a group chat! It means they all probably think the same way, including MIL! Do you have a history of being a bit dramatic or neurotic op? Or are they just being spiteful?

Honestly tell him because he clearly gives zero fucks about your family so why should you give fucks about him? I mean why? I put stuff up on Facebook to stop people badgering me via my inbox they can see what's happening I inbox if I need to but I would rather put up one update than 20 inboxes it's faster

@Cantstandbullshit yes really. You get more people on one post on fb than by messaging people individually.

I’ve helped friends who’ve posted on fb as they wouldn’t have thought to ask me specifically but I was nearby and free to help.

But how could you really have helped? They already had help on the way, arriving in the next 15 minutes time, and were planning to attend A&E to be seen by the appropriate medical professionals.

Wow, looks like there are lots of social media police on here who think they're the authority on what people should or shouldn't post. Judge much?

Totally depends on what you use social media for IMO. My FB is private and my friend list primarily contains actual friends and family I know IRL and not a bunch of random acquaintances or strangers. If I wanted to communicate quickly with everyone that there was a situation and/or I was looking for someone to hopefully volunteer help, I think it would be perfectly fine to post. And I would hope that any cold, unconcerned person who wanted to judge me for it or call it attention seeking rather than being supportive would do me the favour of unfriending me. With 'friends' like that, who needs enemies. 🙄

To the OP - I only read halfway through the thread so apologies if there has been an update...but if it were me, I would tell my DH, as we are a team, and I would hope he would want to be aware of how his family mocks his wife behind her (and his) back. And if your MIL didn't shut down that line of talk I'd feel she didn't care about me in the way I had originally thought. I am protective of the people I love...I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion and no one is perfect but if someone tried to share their negative view to me about someone I love I would shut it down.

At the end of the day, while your BIL is entitled to his view, he didn't have to go around slandering you in a group chat.

I would tell DH - as partners you can work the next step out together. BIL sounds like a prick, but maybe he was just trying to reassure MIL, your DH can help you get it in proportion better than anyone on here. I would definitely quietly unfriend BIL on social media but maybe nothing more than that. You can’t change people. The main reason for telling DH is that you’ve now had a kicking from about 200 people on this thread who think that reaching out for support when you’re anxious for your tiny kid is “attention seeking”. 🙄 surround yourself tonight with people you can trust and who care about you!

There is nothing worse than posts and pictures of people who are ill and need medical treatment on social media. It grinds me that people take pictures of others in an ambulance or in casualty or in a hospital ward!! It's degrading and proves your more worried about likes, shares and comments than you are about the ill person.

Post your own medical needs and pictures of yourself but not of someone else it's disgusting

It's not attention seeking if your fb is family & friends. It's a valid method of communication.
You're clearly an open person & you were worried and needing reassurance.

If anyone wants to talk attention seeking it's called Instagram.

Your brother in law was a duck and your mil unpleasant

If tell your husband & I would be making my hurt feelings known & I would block bil and anyone who laughed from fb

So many threads indicating that OP should :
Keep quiet and do not rock the boat.
Don't worry DH by telling him.
Protect BIL's behavior
Protect MILs behavior. The message wasn't meant for you. Finding out was an accident ( Was it? 100 % accident ? She showed you. She's been receiving these messages)
Easier for everyone to say nothing, do nothing and move on.

I agree it's MUCH easier for MIL and Iago DB.
Except it's not easier for OP, she has to live with this hurtful lack of compassion and gossip at a time when she was worried sick about her daughter.
But of course she posted on Facebook so she deserved all of that witty recrimination (not)
She probably feels like none of DH's family gives a damn about her DD if they are that dismissive.
If she doesn't deal with it and tell DH at a bare minimum, it will affect her relationship with DH. Plus it doesn't do anything to stop future jibes about her on this private WhatsApp group.
Why should she shut up and put up?

I would have offered to go and babysit other kids, just message to keep her calm.Maybe she did just need a hand hold.

so what? if it makes her feel less alone and scared then I’d be happy to just be there for her. It affects me not one bit when friends post on fb.

I feel like there's a bit more honesty you could give about your initial post, I feel like you weren't asking for advice but rather ranting along the lines of "NHS is on its ass DD is very ill no ambulances" etc etc. Otherwise why delete it after? A legitimate ask for advice (which facebook is great for!) is nothing to be ashamed of?

I think you may have form for this in the eyes of your in laws and i daresay this isnt your first facebook rant.

What you saw wasn't meant for you, but you did see it. Its a shitty thing for them to say, so call them out on it.