Should I tell DH what BIL said about me?

[UserOneTrillion]

Have changed some details as this is quite outing.
A few weeks ago DD (3) was taken to hospital with a common virus which had turned nasty. No ambulances available but she needed emergency treatment - pretty terrifying situation. I posted about it on fb which is something I wouldn’t normally do but just panicked and wanted advice.

MIL is staying with us, I get on with her well. She was showing me photos on her phone as she often does and handed it to me with a message open from BIL, seemingly on a group chat. It said something along the lines of ‘I ignore her, it’s attention seeking and sounds like she’s making it up, how can you go to hospital for xyz and why say that about the ambulance service?’ Someone had put a laughing face.

MIL didn’t realise what she’d done and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked and just really upset, DD was seriously unwell and rather than being supportive he’s just being a fucking twat, albeit behind our backs.

DH is supposed to be spending this weekend helping him move house which stings considering what he’s said about me. Should I tell DH or just try to forget about it? I really don’t want to upset MIL or get her involved.

Could you message your BIL directly? Along the lines of
“Hi BIL, just wanted to let you know that I have seen the message you sent accusing me of attention seeking and making things up, and that it is allegedly your policy to ignore me. I haven’t told DH or MIL that I have seen this message as I don’t want anyone to fall out or for DH to not help you move this weekend, but I just want you to know that I am hurt that is what you think about me and I’m glad I now know where I stand. Take care.”

Did your family (MIL etc) know about the medical emergency before it was posted on FB? Could it be that she messaged BIL in a panic when she saw it and he was trying to calm her. Tbh my default reaction when I see posts about hospital admissions on fb is to eyeroll.

I think you need to tell your DH what you saw so that it doesn’t fester and cause resentment. But I also think you should put it behind you. It was an uncharacteristic move by move and prompted and unkind response from your BIL. Says more about him than you ultimately.

Actually I can see the logic of posting on fb you have friends and family on there. More chance of someone offering you a ride to the hospital/babysitting/coming up with local information than on here where your post could well go ignored or end up as a massive pile on because one of the first posters took ex emotion to your spelling, chose to purposely misinterpret what you wrote etc.

and I agree I’d tell DH and MIL and the BIL you read his message. He’s a dickhead, and I’d get him off my social media.

This is exactly what I would do.

No, don’t say this 🙄

Really don’t do this.
Just tell your husband & realise your mil is also part of it too - so please don’t kid yourself that she isn’t. Tbh i would try to borrow her phone again to see who put the laughing face & what else was said - I’d know who to steer clear of in the future, although I’m not advising that - but it’s what I would probably do. What I absolutely wouldn’t do is message bil.

I agree. When they go low, you go high. Always be the bigger person.

I think the moment has passed. The time to say something was when you saw the message open. You should have returned the phone then and said I think you left a message open I wasn't meant to see - then let her do the squirming.

What advice where you looking for? You knew what the virus was. Sounds like you were just attention seeking and ranting about the ambulance service. (Which you realised after as you then deleted).
If you post something publicly people are entitled to discuss it. Your in-laws won't have been the only ones!

That said, it isn't very nice of him, and can understand why it hurt to see it. I would make a point of letting him know how serious the situation was so that he might at least feel a twang of guilt for jumping on it.

I think unless you know what preceded the message you can't read anything into it. Context is vital. Why didn't you ask MIL? Given you get on well with her, ask her about it?

Or a pang!

Oh this is tricky. I can understand him thinking it is attention seeking as hospital/medical posts on Facebook tend to be so, but the rest was uncalled for.

I'm not sure if it's worth saying anything tbh. I guess it's whether you think there's anything to gain from telling either DH or BIL what you've seen. Personally I think I'd distance myself but whether I'd explain it to anyone I'm not sure.

I’d let all hell loose.

I agree. This is what I would do. Make him sweat. Whether or not people agree with you posting on Facebook, he was unkind to share views on a group chat.

You know you're not lying.
You know you're not attention seeking.
As does your DH, presumably.

You were proven right because your child needed treatment and you weren't turned away from A&E.

Why does it matter what he thinks?

You're both unreasonable, him for the obvious and you for airing your dirty laundry on Facebook.

You've just got to ignore it or possibly start a family war.

Maybe you're seen as attention seeking ?

Do you put lots on Facebook ?

Do you slightly exaggerate ?

You are both wrong. Why people post their children on social media at all let alone to tell everyone they are in hospital is attention seeking

BIL probably recognises that this social media thing is a load of rubbish and he has PRIVATELY spoken about it not publicly

And whoever put the emoji didn't even engage so they haven't done anything wrong

Tell DH to make yourself feel better but ask it stay between you and him

It doesn't mater what you posted. What BIL did was cunty. End of. Your MIL also isn't as innocent as you'd think. She's in a group chat with him where he's slagging you off and calling you a liar for being worried about your child. I doubt she told him off for the comment.

I would tell MIL that the message popped up when you were looking at the photos. Watch her squirm! Tell her how disappointed amd sad you are.

I would also mention it to your husband. I would want to know if I were him. There doesn't need to be any drama, just delete BIL from facebook and quietly withdraw. Polite but distant is what I'd go for in future. At least you know where you stand with them and don't need to go out of your way for them anymore.

BIL likely isn't the only one on your feed who thought this. You're both unreasonable. He should have kept it to himself.

I would say something to DH. Maybe not repeat the message word for word, but let him know you've seen a message in error and BIL thinks your exaggerating how ill DD was and ask him to set him straight. I'm not great at the forgetting thing, so it would sting and my DH would know something was wrong.

Here? Why is here better than Facebook where the only people who see the post are the 60ish family and friends I have on there? So people that I know and trust rather that folks who go from a 200k a year wealthy lawyer to a penniless person facing homelessness depending on the thread? That’s just bizarre.

I don’t think you were attention seeking, but it’s silly to post about your sick child on FB. I would tell your DH. P

Yes, of course you should tell your DH. He needs to know how his brother acts when his daughter is seriously unwell, and his horrible attitude to you.

Why would you protect the cunt?

Christ, if either of our DDs was seriously ill and needing hospital treatment the very last thing I'd be doing it wasting time proclaiming it all across social media. It is attention seeking - and I take a very dim view of anyone who does this.