November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

Yes I think this time of the year is hard. I have been doing great but I was sick the whole of Xmas and just being worn down compounded all of the stuff that is there.

Happy New year everyone.

Yes I am really struggling.

This is 4th Christmas estranged from my siblings and it’s been tough. Maybe one of the hardest as for the past 3 we have pushed the boat out to ensure our teen/young adult kids had an extra special time.

This year was not as exciting and although we had a lovely Xmas day together it’s been quite flat and we haven’t filled the week with stuff.

I feel very lonely and depressed. It’s been a shit year and my DCs have to see their teen/adult cousins (who they have a good respectful relationship with and see regularly) all together at a different one of the uncles / aunts houses on different days - Xmas Eve, Xmas Day, Boxing Day etc. via social media.

I have withdrawn and avoided social opportunities this week and just don’t know what all of this is for - in my heart - but in my head there is a long list.

Maybe it’s a turning point - maybe the flatness and despair is the bottom of the trough and these first 4 years have just been exhausting. I feel wrung out.

I think that's it exactly, you're heart questions it as you want family and see it happening for others yet you know you can't have it how it should be, you're head says no.

It's just sad. I love my little family (husband and kids), but feel like I've lost something and questioning what I've gained. Yet I can look at it rationally and know the family dynamics znd relationships were far from healthy and quite damaging. I miss the nice times and feeling part of a bigger family. I really don't miss the bad times znd feeling crap and having to do everything for everyone. I definitely don't miss being responsible for their happiness when they didn't care about mine.

@Glindara if you're kids are getting older can they spend some time with their friends and build those relationships too?

You've done amazing to get through four years. It's so hard. I have to believe that things get better, I hope they do.

@Stickytoff thanks for the reply. This time of year makes everything just more. Whether that's happy or sad etc. Hope you have a Happy New Year too.

Happy New Year to everyone. If you’re struggling as it’s a hard time of year, I send you my best wishes for happier times.

it is a flipping JOY not to be anywhere near The Hag. Mr Monkey hasn’t phoned her for two days so he’s not being guilt tripped. He’s living dangerously by not calling her today. 🤣 We went to see friends today and he opened up about her behaviour. He no longer hides how shit a mother she is.

And Christmas? She didn't even give him a gift - it's normally £ - which is pretty rich given how much he does for her. This is punishment for us chucking her out of our house last week after the lift in her flats got fixed, we had endured two whole days of her company and terrible behaviour. She uses presents/£ as a weapon. Quite frankly, I intend not to see her next year as my mental health is so much better without her in my life. She's toxic and brings NOTHING to our lives.

Wishing everyone a happier 2023. Xxx

Happy new year to all the amazing people on this thread!

It is tough. I have been in a bit of a state as I felt that I should ring my DM to wish her a happy NY of some sort and make my peace with her since going NC in October. But ... I could not! I just felt sick in my stomach at the thought of it. And not knowing what to say really. I am not sorry, I am tired of the toxic relationship. I have done nothing wrong except caring for her and trying to integrate her into my lovely family life. And I got nothing in return but abuse.

My DD rang her to wish her HNY. My mum expressed "concern" if I am ok. So I am portrayed as the crazy one. Luckily, my DD is a counsellor and deals with MH issues. So she knows what she is dealing with.

But despite all this I had a lovely time with my family and friends tonight. Normal relationships exist and it's so lovely to enjoy them! Xx

I just wanted to update....

My dm sent cards to my children fir their bdays with no presents (their bdays are close together so given at the same time via my brother). My dgm was ill at the time and ended up in hospital. My dm went on holiday and took my niece and her child with them paying for them to Greece. My eldest knows this as he saw on social media. He asked so his dgm can pay for niece and grand niece to go on holiday but can't even send us a small present? Youngest has severe disabilities so is non the wiser.

My brothers wife offered to host my dm, dgm and znother relative on boxing day. (She offered years ago) So i gave him cards n presents for my gran and other relative and sent an Xmas card off my children to my dm. Apparently when she realised she didn't have a present she went quiet and started to cry because she was being treated differently. Myself and my children haven't even had a card! My brother n sis in law have had an envelope full of cash. It was just for attention. My dgm didn't open her present out of upset for dm.

My dB told me so I was prepared for the telling off. It won't come as no one is talking to me anyway.

The irony at being treated differently! Db is golden child and even referred to as golden balls as a joke by sis in law when talking about relationships within the family.

I actually feel better now as it's so obsurb, what did she expect? I haven't spoken to her in ages. I only gave the card out of kindness and it was off my children. She hasn't sent them anything for their bdays or Xmas. I know you don't give to recieve but feel it just shows how self serving she is.

My dB said I was zlso doing the right thing as its clear the differences and I have to put the children first. I can't believe I was worried.

Just wanted to share

It's been tough over the festive period. So much obligation and guilt. I have thought a lot about my mum and our relationship, it's just so sad she couldn't do the emotional work needed to show up for me. There are more memories and flash backs too, she used to leave us alone a lot from a young age. Wonder what she was up to? I will never know.

I didn't got see her for the first time every this year. I mean we never spend Xmas together but I always make the effort to see her before Xmas.

As punishment there was no present for my 1 year old daughter. I've not wished her happy new year. She hasn't checked in on me at all, to see how my daughter is doing, to see how I am when she knows how bad my mental health has been... in fact the last text exchange we had was about her health issues (which aren't made better by her sedentary lifestyle and life long lack of self care - anyway not my problem)

My narc dad (NC for years) on the other hand sent tonnes of presents - some were really good actually (prob step Kim influenced)... but he's not realised thus he cannot have a relationship with her without having one with me. His loss. I despise him and pity him. As my DH said 'he is a nobody'. I unwrapped the presents myself and just put them in her play room. I wouldn't want to waste them and I am surprised that having them around is not actually triggering me. Maybe this is progress. Cannot wait till we move house so he (and no one else in my fam has my address). That is signifies ultimate freedom for me.

No happy Xmas from DB but SIL got in touch. To apologise for not posting my daughter's Xmas present (or her bday present months ago)... too busy. So bored of all of them. Even though I have deep empathy for my brother (totally emeshed with narc dad and patiently waiting for inheritance that is much needed no doubt) but I am kind of done with him.

I have stopped making an effort completely and it's hard. Because finally it seems we will all totally lose contact with one another.

Overall glad this triggering period is over! Maybe next year I can figure out a way to have more peace.

Hugs
X

Hi everyone
I am brand new here. I just joined because some of the threads on Narcissistic mothers seem very helpful.

Lately I find it harder than I used to to distract myself from compulsive rumination about things that happened that I've never been able to voice. The memory that's plaguing me right now is so nothing compared to other stuff but just happens to be what's rattling in my brain right now.

A few years ago I was visiting FOO at Christmas time (I live in another country thanks goodness but it means visits are at least a few days rather than hours or minutes). My uncle and his friend came round to visit. I have always really liked this uncle and we've never had any issues although I guess we only know each other at a very surface level, but from the outset of this visit he was giving me kind of hostile, suspicious looks and ended up saying something snarky. I was just blindsided and I'm too much of a wimp to say anything anyway. Not for the first time I felt like my mother or father or both had been drip feeding poison about me to the wider family. In my mother's case in the guise of concern. I don't know if this is what happened at all, maybe I'm just paranoid, but just from knowing what I know...

It's extra annoying as just before the visit my mother had been talking about my uncle's friend just before they arrived together: "She wants to be with him but an older woman can't be with a younger man, that just can't happen" with THAT smirk on her face and I was sticking up for them saying why on earth not - they can do whatever they want.

I know this is a really minor thing but it stands for that whole thing of people being told lies about you and you don't even know what - the confusion, the injustice. I know the advice is usually you just have to try and accept it and there's no benefit in defending yourself but I find it incredibly hard sometimes - also hard to accept that there will never be justice for any of it.

Sorry for just barging straight in on thread and not answering anyone else's post. Had a physical need to vent! I'll look back through the thread properly now.

Lately I find it harder than I used to to distract myself from compulsive rumination about things that happened that I've never been able to voice. The memory that's plaguing me right now is so nothing compared to other stuff but just happens to be what's rattling in my brain right now.

@Lurkylurks , what helps me in these situations is journaling. I filled up a whole library of journals about the exploits of my terrible family members! Seriously, it helps me process my feelings rather than just letting them bang around in my head. Not as good as therapy, but maybe one of the best things you can do for yourself if you're not (yet) in therapy.

It really sucks when people talk shit about you behind your back, but there's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is avoid these toxic people and gatherings and focus on people who are kind to you and treat you well.

It really sucks when people talk shit about you behind your back, but there's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is avoid these toxic people and gatherings and focus on people who are kind to you and treat you well.

^^This, with knobs on.

We've all been there @Lurkylurks and everybody else who has posted updates on this page.

Sadly, these toxic types never tire of slagging other people off. My view is that they think it makes them look better and acts as a distraction to stop other people examining the toxic people's behaviour. It's incredibly messed up.

I feel so much better since my DM died 7 months ago. With her out of the picture, my Toxic Sister is now screaming into a void. It's a blessing that she had me removed as executor, as she is sure to royally fuck up the job herself (she's totally incapable of handling even a tiny amount of admin or stress, never mind executing a will). The lawyer she has now hired to do the job for her is a complete charlatan. I'm just sitting back with the popcorn and waiting to see the outcome. Toxic Sister and BIL had been living out of DM's bank account for years.

Let 2023 be a year of new-found freedoms for all of us.

@neverhaveto congratulations on having a blissful time at Xmas. I can emphasise with the churning stomach. I had that with my toxic MIL every time the phone rang or I had to see her. The no contact gets easier. I've not seen the hag since last Xmas and this Xmas. I don't intend to see her at all in 2023.

@Hardpillow gift giving is a game of power. Your mum knows this and she knows it gets under your skin. It's really nasty to bring your children in to it. The toxics have no shame, do they?

@winningeasy yet another example of gift giving powerplay. It's awful the way the toxics weaponize Xmas and birthdays and weddings. Good luck on escaping.

@Lurkylurks i’m so sorry for your situation. The toxics are so good at spreading rumours and dripping poison. They are SO bloody convincing. If my MIL had any friends or family - she doesn't make any effort as it's easier to be a lonely martyr - I can imagine my name would be mud. She drops the odd hint about not liking her GB’s ex-wife (we’re in touch with her, God knows where he is) where I think we’re supposed to join in. SIL is lovely. Like @briarhill I recommend journaling. I've found it focuses me, reminds me it’s all real and she's a total fucking bitch. It's been really empowering. Take care. This forum is a total God send for me.

@Sicario your sister sounds dreadful. You are so well out of it. She must be hating the fact you've taken yourself out of the will situation as it must have warmed her icy heart to think she could have used inheritance as a weapon with you. And you’ve disappeared. Bravo.

Just found out after 4 years of NC after being the scapegoat for years that another sibling has been ousted.

Not surprised as their toxic little system is fuelled by hate and discord and the Narc always needs someone in their sights to annihilate. When I look myself out of the system (along with any “fuel” for them to feast on) in time they needed another target of hate.

Hag - MIL - update.

Xmas worked out exactly as I planned (slap on the back, Monkey) Rather than my mum hosting her at her lovely house in the country for Xmas Day and night, which has increasingly got nastier and nastier and reached its peak toxicity last Xmas, she's BANNED.

So, we did a two and three quarter hour meal at ours (not that i’m counting). Slave Son came. Mr Monkey couldn't be arsed to cook a proper Xmas lunch so he did goulash. We were supposed to rise to her comments about the food making her sick, no presents to either of us (but a gift to my mum - lol), digs at my SIL before we Facetimed her and then the pity sucking up to my mum party as Hag left to lever my mum relenting on the Xmas rule (no way). I totally out witted the Hag this Xmas and she knows it.

Make no mistake I was dreading it, but the power has shifted more and more in MM and my favour. That's down to this forum (amazing folks here), journaling, boundaries and NC with the witch.

We then went to my mum’s on Boxing Day and have just got back today after wine, films and cheese. A JOY. Hag didn't ring Mr Monkey during our week away as she trying to guilt trip him. He feels no guilt these days. We had the New Year’s Day bullshit when he rang her - my mum and I once upon a time would have wished her a Happy New Year on the phone, neither of us can be arsed, even my mum actively dislikes her).

Hag asked us what we did on NYE.

Mr Monkey: we went to our friends’ new house and had lunch.
Hag: oh, that must have been nice for you (nasty laugh)
MM: yes, it was great to see them
Hag: well, it would have been nice to meet them (another nasty laugh) - what the fuck she’d do sitting round a table with MM’s lesbian ex-lodgers, fuck only know
MM: right, well, happy new year, and ill see you on Thursday when I take you to your hospital appointment.
Hag: isn't that good of you (nasty laugh)

MM rings off and we laugh about it and open another bottle of wine.

And I have 12 glorious months before I see her next Xmas.

Happy New Year to everyone!

Thanks so much @briarhill that's really good advice - yes I've been thinking the same re journaling and someone else saying it gives me an extra push. I've done it from time to time but then forget where I put the notebook down and months pass. But I need to really prioritise this - have to get that stuff on the outside of my head!

Yeah I think you are right @Sicario and unfortunately it does seem to work for them as a distraction technique a lot of the time. I guess those of us who've grown up with this dynamic have had extra training in seeing the truth behind words used to try and convince us of something. The situation with your sister sounds like poetic justice - although I have to admit I'd be at least as bad as her with the admin of executing a will!

Thanks @MonkeyfromManchester . I'm always bemused by people seemingly believing the way the people describe themselves and others when actual patterns/behaviour/facts are visibly a very different story. I think I would find it easier if they said true things about me that they just needed to get off their chests, even though it would be better if they came to me directly - I know that can be hard to do. But it just boils my blood the times they've accused me of doing all the things they do...or most of the time I don't even know what's been said at all, there's just an atmosphere of disapproval. Wow your mother in law sounds like a piece of work. It's lovely that feeling when you know you're at the furthest point in time you can be from seeing someone the next time!

Happy 2023 everyone - may we keep moving towards peaceful detachment.

@Lurkylurks the toxics seem to brainwash people with the greatest of ease. If you Google narcissistic behaviour, you’ll read about how they turn their bad behaviour round and/or deflect it. Honestly, they are such masters of acting that they should win Oscars! The Hag can switch from screaming rage to poor little old lady victim and back again in a matter of minutes. I bet your mum is brilliant at acting and no one could believe for one minute that she behaves so badly. Thankfully, everyone (family and friends) now see the patterns and give her a wide berth.

I got to this point of NC with the Hag by keeping notes on what she was doing and then I could join the dots. It's wonderful to see her utter confusion of us turning the tables. After 53 years of abusing my partner, he's pushed back against her so much. He had therapy and kept a notebook. Therapist advised him to jot a few things down each day (doesn't have to be word perfect), score how he felt, keeP track of the triggers and ground himself by walking barefoot in house when it all go too much. He is so much happier.

I'm having therapy too. It's really helped me to be firm. I think we’ll tell her Xmas plans very soon so she can't try and wheedle her way into my mum’s house or play games using Xmas as a weapon. It might be in a pub using the reasoning of her fragility (ha) and Slave Son’s disability. Our stairs are awful. 🤣

@MonkeyfromManchester I'd be sorely tempted to tell The Hag that you won't be around this year for Christmas because you're going away. End of story.

@Sicario definitely considering. My brother and his family might be over from Netherlands next year or we could go there...

A very happy new year to you @MonkeyfromManchester 😊

Mums bday today. She came for lunch. It's always annoying to find a card that doesnt say "lovely mum" or "love you mum". Ugh.

Taking her to hospital for a blood test tomorrow. No doubt she'll want to go shopping. No problem. I'll be home for lunch.

I intend to spend more time on me this year.

I've now archived my messages with 'D'F (can't think of a nickname for him just yet!) and SM, which has given me some peace of mind as it means I only have to engage when I choose to. It seems he knows he's gone too far this time as he's initiating a lot more conversation and acting very caring/fatherly - it makes my skin crawl but at the same time I'm doubting myself and worrying that once again his actions were unintentional and that he'll be hurt and confused by my pulling away. Also, there's a chance he's just completely oblivious as we didn't react at all to the present situation, so maybe he's just reverted back to normal after his stupid little game didn't work.

I'm hoping I can speak to a therapist soon so I can understand more about his behaviour, as the residual guilt has crept in where the anger was last week. At least I've finally realised where my hatred for inconsistency in people comes from!

The thing is most narcissistic people I have come across are actually popular. They often have plenty of charm and charisma and they work hard at giving the appearance of being very helpful and fun people. Obviously then people enjoy spending time around fun people and unfortunately by raising the issues in our family we become the not fun people who complain about being abused. I mean my brother is an actual paedophile/rapist and I’m the bad person in my family. I spoke out about being abused and that made me the complete social pariah.

My therapist put it really well recently he compared most the understanding of current general mental health practices as being where medicine was in the blood letting/leeches era of the past.

@Stickytoff I cannot believe your family didn't support you :(

I defo think they can be popular but in my experience they can also be total misanthropes. My mum or dad never had any friends. But my dad can certainly turn it on when he wants

I’d love to join your thread please. I‘ve been on MN for a while but NC for this thread.

I’d like to share with you that after 40+ years of having a particular person in my life, I have finally told her I never want to see her again. It’s a very long story and at the moment I am slightly in shock and processing what’s happened - but I feel lighter. Free. Liberated. I can’t explain right now but this person has been very damaging to me all my life since I was nine or ten. Emotionally abusive.

I’m never letting her back in. She’s gone. I will post more over time but I would like to join you all here. Thank you.

Congratulations @FreeIn23 and well done. Your sense of relief is palpable.

*I’d like to share with you that after 40+ years of having a particular person in my life, I have finally told her I never want to see her again. It’s a very long story and at the moment I am slightly in shock and processing what’s happened - but I feel lighter. Free. Liberated. I can’t explain right now but this person has been very damaging to me all my life since I was nine or ten. Emotionally abusive.

I’m never letting her back in. She’s gone. I will post more over time but I would like to join you all here. Thank you.*

@FreeIn23 it takes a lot to stand up to this stuff. I’m sure everyone feels differently but I found it enormous to process but like you I knew it was done.

Hi I've been directed to this board as I need to offload some difficult memories of my childhood and the relationship I still have with what I now realise is narcissistic mother. It could be a long story but I can paraphrase it xx