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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

1000 replies

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2022 17:16

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
NCcaterpillar · 25/12/2022 13:46

@FrenchBoule thank you - and a peaceful Christmas to you too. Mine unfortunately is not peaceful so far and despite me not engaging in drama there has already been drama aplenty this morning. Not nice and really does ruin Christmas.

MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 09:01

I hope everyone survived the DAY. I think our toxic families missed the memo about Xmas bringing joy to the world. For some of us poor souls it will be more than a day and I'm rooting for you to get through it.

Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton · 26/12/2022 09:37

MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 09:01

I hope everyone survived the DAY. I think our toxic families missed the memo about Xmas bringing joy to the world. For some of us poor souls it will be more than a day and I'm rooting for you to get through it.

How did it go @MonkeyfromManchester ?
Hope you're going to mums today?
Mum came, ate and left do that was fine.
pils coming later. I shall try and get tipsy to get through it ☺️🥂

MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 09:49

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton happy survivor’s day. Glad it was okay with your mum. Strong drink IS the answer to deal with the PILs.

Yep, off to my mum’s today at 5pm.

Hagmas Survivor reporting for duty.

So, we hosted The Hag (coercive narc MIL) here at Monkey Towers as the longstanding traditional Xmas at my mum’s to which the Hag came to is no more after the disgraceful behaviour of Hag last Xmas. Instead, Mummy Monkey arrived here on Xmas Eve and Mr Monkey was in charge of cooking Xmas Day lunch. Hag and Slave Son only invited for lunch.

Hag and Slave Son arrive at 3pm.

Day wasn't too bad.

Of course, there were highlights.

“I've got cancer” proclaimed to the room about the undiagnosed mark on her face. No one engages.

Unwrapping presents. There was no gift from Hag to me. This ceased once Mr Monkey started standing up to her and I am blamed for a 54 year old man realising his childhood was shit and his mother was physically and emotionally abusive.

The trade off of seeing my partner happy is the absence of a M&S voucher.
I can live with that.

Presents are weapons, she remembered my mum’s birthday and made a huge fuss of sending my mum a bottle of wine. Strangely, she didn't remember mine which is the day before. 🤣

Gorgeous SIL has sent presents. She is generous to a fault - hello, YSL lipsticks - despite being a single parent after Hag’s Golden Boy’s son fucked off and has made no financial contribution to his children since they were 10 or so despite being a millionaire.

Hag doesn't like SIL so it's constant moaning about her having sent presents. “I told her not to send me anything”. Charming. “Oh, more smelly stuff”. Just rude.

A box of toiletries from SIL obviously triggered memories of Hag’s beloved errant son. Missing from her fond memories is the serial adultery, the physical, sexual and emotional abuse of SIL and the new family he began whilst still married to SIL. The new family includes a granddaughter that Hag has never met and constantly whines about having never met.

“Has she (SIL) heard from Golden Boy?”

Me Monkey: “no one has heard from him including his children for five years and I don't expect we will.”

We move on to discussion of lunch. MM has cooked a beef goulash.

“I hope that food doesn't have me rushing to the toilet to be sick” to Mr Monkey. Said as a joke. But obviously not a joke.

All in all it wasn't too bad or not as nasty as I thought it would be.

She and Slave Son departed by taxi at 6.15pm.

Before the departure we had the attempt at emotional blackmail.

To Mummy Monkey “it's been too long. I've not seen you for ages”

Hag has no recall of her vile behaviour last Xmas or, far more likely, doesn't think it a problem and that we’re being mean to her by not including her in anything.
The other underlying theme to this seemingly innocuous comment is that Mr Monkey and I used to take both mothers out for lunches etc but that has ceased as we couldn't go on sitting through emotional abuse and scenes and “pretend”.
Mr Monkey and I see my mum for nice social things and MM has unpleasant scenes with Hag on his own.

Then it was digging to see what the rest of Xmas held for us as MM hadn't told her of our plans to go to Mummy Monkey’s out in the country for the rest of Xmas as of 5pm on the dot today.

Hag: “I've cancelled my carers this week as I didn't know what I’d be doing”

Absolutely hilarious new level of emotional blackmail and sheer entitlement. I'm in the kitchen bent over in silent laughter at this.

No one engages.

She is defeated.

And off she fucks.

Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton · 26/12/2022 11:40

MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 09:49

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton happy survivor’s day. Glad it was okay with your mum. Strong drink IS the answer to deal with the PILs.

Yep, off to my mum’s today at 5pm.

Hagmas Survivor reporting for duty.

So, we hosted The Hag (coercive narc MIL) here at Monkey Towers as the longstanding traditional Xmas at my mum’s to which the Hag came to is no more after the disgraceful behaviour of Hag last Xmas. Instead, Mummy Monkey arrived here on Xmas Eve and Mr Monkey was in charge of cooking Xmas Day lunch. Hag and Slave Son only invited for lunch.

Hag and Slave Son arrive at 3pm.

Day wasn't too bad.

Of course, there were highlights.

“I've got cancer” proclaimed to the room about the undiagnosed mark on her face. No one engages.

Unwrapping presents. There was no gift from Hag to me. This ceased once Mr Monkey started standing up to her and I am blamed for a 54 year old man realising his childhood was shit and his mother was physically and emotionally abusive.

The trade off of seeing my partner happy is the absence of a M&S voucher.
I can live with that.

Presents are weapons, she remembered my mum’s birthday and made a huge fuss of sending my mum a bottle of wine. Strangely, she didn't remember mine which is the day before. 🤣

Gorgeous SIL has sent presents. She is generous to a fault - hello, YSL lipsticks - despite being a single parent after Hag’s Golden Boy’s son fucked off and has made no financial contribution to his children since they were 10 or so despite being a millionaire.

Hag doesn't like SIL so it's constant moaning about her having sent presents. “I told her not to send me anything”. Charming. “Oh, more smelly stuff”. Just rude.

A box of toiletries from SIL obviously triggered memories of Hag’s beloved errant son. Missing from her fond memories is the serial adultery, the physical, sexual and emotional abuse of SIL and the new family he began whilst still married to SIL. The new family includes a granddaughter that Hag has never met and constantly whines about having never met.

“Has she (SIL) heard from Golden Boy?”

Me Monkey: “no one has heard from him including his children for five years and I don't expect we will.”

We move on to discussion of lunch. MM has cooked a beef goulash.

“I hope that food doesn't have me rushing to the toilet to be sick” to Mr Monkey. Said as a joke. But obviously not a joke.

All in all it wasn't too bad or not as nasty as I thought it would be.

She and Slave Son departed by taxi at 6.15pm.

Before the departure we had the attempt at emotional blackmail.

To Mummy Monkey “it's been too long. I've not seen you for ages”

Hag has no recall of her vile behaviour last Xmas or, far more likely, doesn't think it a problem and that we’re being mean to her by not including her in anything.
The other underlying theme to this seemingly innocuous comment is that Mr Monkey and I used to take both mothers out for lunches etc but that has ceased as we couldn't go on sitting through emotional abuse and scenes and “pretend”.
Mr Monkey and I see my mum for nice social things and MM has unpleasant scenes with Hag on his own.

Then it was digging to see what the rest of Xmas held for us as MM hadn't told her of our plans to go to Mummy Monkey’s out in the country for the rest of Xmas as of 5pm on the dot today.

Hag: “I've cancelled my carers this week as I didn't know what I’d be doing”

Absolutely hilarious new level of emotional blackmail and sheer entitlement. I'm in the kitchen bent over in silent laughter at this.

No one engages.

She is defeated.

And off she fucks.

Marvellous ☺️

What an evil old bitch 😒

Sil will arrive late - as usual - but food is going on the table at 4. Tough luck if she misses it.

My mum is coming with dn - my siblings are not invited.

Pils haven't told me when they are coming 🤷

Ds2s friend is coming at 2.

I shall shortly go in the shower and laze about upstairs. I don't go to too much trouble anymore. It's mostly leftovers and shop bought stuff.

We are meeting friends x2 later this week which will be lovely 😍

Have a wonderful time at mummy monkeys 🐒 ☺️

MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 12:51

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton we have had a couple of phone calls, of course.

I know and that was a mild version of her. We face timed the SIL. Hag who has seen her grandsons probably 5 times in their lives - we live in the same country - are now 18 and 20.

She completely love bombs them on the call. She NEVER rings them and expects them to ring her. Throws money at them - presents are weapons hence the absence of a gift for me and one for my mum 🤣🤣🤣

The 20 year old has learning difficulties and loves his nana. 18 year old steers clear and spots that she's a freak. SIL is Indonesian and family is everything, she doesn't get the dysfunction in MM’s family. But she's got a lovely partner now who's not a vile shit.

You can serve cold leftovers for your SIL, or better still EAT ALL OF THE FOOD.

Jeez, the entitlement of your PILs. That's just rude. I see where your SIL gets it from

It's absolutely no worth making a fuss. Save your energies for nice people like your friends.

We're having out neighbours round for afternoon tea of leftovers. 86 and 66 year olds who are total example of ageing with good grace.

Enjoy seeing your friends and wishing you good luck for this afternoon.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/12/2022 12:51

Well done MM and Monkey

Enjoy your time at your mothers now😀🎄

OP posts:
MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 13:49

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Brother has made me a medal. Hope you're having a lovely time away.

I expect we’ll get phone calls at Mummy Monkey’s as she is a furious that we’re not taking her. At about 5pm, we’re - sorry, Mr Monkey, is dropping her presents off - destined for the spare room including the Eau De Soir Sisley perfume that mum gave her (raffle prize) which is my fave perfume so I hope it's there when we clear out her flat 🤣. MM will get guilt tripped / screamed, but we’re not having our Xmas ruined.

Onwards!

FrenchBoule · 26/12/2022 14:18

And off she fucks Hallelujah,that’s all that matters.Enjoy the time at your mum’s and switch your phones off.

I truly admire your resilience @MonkeyfromManchester (and your writing style)

Hope everybody weathered the storm 🙂

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for being on this thread and on Relationship board. You’re the voice of reason and invaluable source of support. Hat off to you 🤗

fancyacuppatea · 26/12/2022 16:15

And off she fucks
Oh @MonkeyfromManchester I'm so pleased you've managed to outwit the old cow. Have a lovely time with your Mum. I hope MrM turns his phone off. 🎄

MyFragility · 26/12/2022 17:19

I've got through my first Christmas without my toxic parents and Sister after going NC/LC. I'm so relieved.

I won't lie - I did feel sad and disappointed but I have felt more comfortable with just my DH and DDs. It's been a hard Christmas too as the first without my teenage DS who I miss desperately. My close friends have been wonderfully supportive though over Christmas - but it has made me feel sad that my parents and sister are so emotionally absent even though they have lost their grandson/nephew as well as my family and I. They don't seem to even care.

My parents didn't contact me at all and my sister sent a Whatsapp message complaining about my Mum who is claiming workmen have stolen £000's of her jewelry - like I give a fck! Dsis then messaged wishing me a Merry Christmas - no acknowledgment about how difficult this is for us grieving DS and rather insensitive too.

I've thought about all the things I have not missed about thiem since going NC

  • The 'discussions' about who is going to host Christmas, with them invariably deciding that it has to me. Me always ending up hosting Christmas out of FOG
  • Them always complaining about some element of the food that I could have done better or what they don't like
  • Them complaining that the gifts I have given them are not good enough and that I have not spent more on them
  • They never appreciate it nor say thank you despite the effort I make to host
  • DF demanding that I call him just when I am about to dish up so that he can literally arrive as soon as the food is one the table. Him then leaving immediately after he has finished his last mouthful
  • My sister and her family lounging around expecting DH and I to wait on them hand on foot
  • Feeling disappointed with the lack of thought, effort and expense that has gone into gifts for DH, DDs and me.
  • DF and DM constantly making digs about their friend's kids doing things for their parents which are so thoughtful and generous
  • DM droning on about her 'problems' and being completely disinterested in anyone else's life and then crying about how hard life is for her and how let down she is - but then reminding us that she is offering her sufferings to God (like some self proclaimed martyr)

It's true @AttilaTheMeerkat - you said in one of your previous posts that toxic families are mean with both their love and money.

Hope everyone here have got through this period too x

MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 18:23

@MyFragility I am so, so, sorry for what must be a really hard Christmas for you and I’m sorry that your family didn’t support you during such a tragic time for your family. When you write down what they bring and don’t bring for Xmas it’s so hard to read. God knows how you feel.

take care and we are all for you.

xxx

NCcaterpillar · 26/12/2022 18:42

I loathe conflict on Christmas Day. Nobody talks about how hard it is to go low contact knowing it’s not the decision you’d take in an ideal world, but you have to do it for your own peace.

DM broke down. I had empathy for her feeling stressed at the family situation until she blamed it on me and told me I am excellent at destroying things, all because I tried to put a boundary in with DSis. Really thought we’d moved beyond that point and now we are back to square 1. Worst Christmas ever, by far. Spent time with DPs family today and although nobody made us feel uncomfortable, it was a difficult one. They are unfortunately very self orientated too and it’s an odd set up. We love his grandma and his auntie and uncle, but neither live nearby (over 4 hours away at the very other end of the country AND they’re in their 70s) and the ones who live 20 minutes away are all quite troubled.

We are almost ready to begin TTC so hopefully may have our own tiny DC next Christmas, or certainly not long after. Vowed to myself I will not be people pleasing next Christmas whatever happens, but it’s so hard feeling like that cohesive happy extended family structure is lacking. And I feel immense guilt whenever anyone gets upset at the result of my boundaries - trying to work on that. I feel really sad even thinking about it and have hopes we create a different family set up for future DC. I am blessed to have loved ones around us but grieve the fact the dynamic is not easier.

All this aside, reading some of these posts gets into perspective for me. Some of you have really been through it and I admire you having the strength to get through the day. Hugs to all and @MyFragility I hope you manage to take some time for yourself in this limbo period between Christmas and new year, you’ve done so well to cope.

MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 18:44

@FrenchBoule thank you. I’m exhausted. The adrenaline rush before Xmas and Xmas Day wondering what the fuck she would do. She’s utterly vile.

We had a lovely afternoon with our great older neighbours for Boxing Day tea. Sounds like a tiny thing but making sandwiches and salad for them was so nice.

They love my mum and it was a jolly afternoon with wine and an Xmas quiz.

The Hag phoned three times during their meal.

The newest twist is “did you ring me?” No, Mr Monkey did not ring you. She is such a fucking LIAR.

She was guilt tripping him about him going away - “what if I need something?” I felt like wresting the phone out of MM’s phone and saying “use Slave Son as per usual”. She daren’t phone me - blocked anyway - and never rings the landline as she thinks there’s a chance of me answering with my coolness (to put it mildly).

Neighbours looking pretty appalled and MM was so subdued.

I’m packing all the booze, my mum and MM have gone to drop the witch’s Xmas presents off. My mum riding shotgun so Hag can vaguely behave, although Hag will be furious that MM and I are going to the nice warm house in the country with unripped sofas and actual carpets with my mum. My mum being there is a reminder. Better she’s there than me as I’m getting to the point of wanting to punch her lights out. Seriously feeling violent when I hear her, never mind see the sociopath.

My mum was also appalled at the constant phone calls and said this emotional blackmail is dreadful and I would never have her in my house ever again. You reap what you sow.

What the Hag doesn’t get is that my dad died on the 21 Dec 16 years ago and fucking Xmas with my mum is sacrosanct.

The Xmas drama isn’t actually about us going to my mum’s, it’s trying to separate me and MM and really hurt me and actually my mum too through the situation of my dad’s death.

She didn’t come to his funeral and when seeing me distraught on NYE that year said - drumroll - I don’t know what to do to help you E.g. I don’t want to help you. Not even a hug. Not even a platitude. She’s fucking evil.

I’m telling MM to switch his phone off and Slave Son can fucking deal with the witch.

havjng a glass of wine out of the box that’s destined for my mum’s.

Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton · 26/12/2022 21:39

MonkeyfromManchester · 26/12/2022 12:51

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton we have had a couple of phone calls, of course.

I know and that was a mild version of her. We face timed the SIL. Hag who has seen her grandsons probably 5 times in their lives - we live in the same country - are now 18 and 20.

She completely love bombs them on the call. She NEVER rings them and expects them to ring her. Throws money at them - presents are weapons hence the absence of a gift for me and one for my mum 🤣🤣🤣

The 20 year old has learning difficulties and loves his nana. 18 year old steers clear and spots that she's a freak. SIL is Indonesian and family is everything, she doesn't get the dysfunction in MM’s family. But she's got a lovely partner now who's not a vile shit.

You can serve cold leftovers for your SIL, or better still EAT ALL OF THE FOOD.

Jeez, the entitlement of your PILs. That's just rude. I see where your SIL gets it from

It's absolutely no worth making a fuss. Save your energies for nice people like your friends.

We're having out neighbours round for afternoon tea of leftovers. 86 and 66 year olds who are total example of ageing with good grace.

Enjoy seeing your friends and wishing you good luck for this afternoon.

Thank you 😊

I've just sat down with a cuppa ☕️

All went OK I thInk

Dh stepped up and really helped (not usual) which made it much easier

Have a wonderful time at your mums x

Sicario · 26/12/2022 21:47

Huge round of applause to everyone for getting through the Christmas minefield. It really is the most challenging time.

@MyFragility – my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine the depth of your loss. Going NC really does sound like it was definitely the right decision, and your list rings so many bells. I mean what’s the bloody point of a family like that? All they do is spread misery and cause aggro. What I will say is that it does get easier with time (the no contact thing). Christmas without my FOO (family of origin) is now pretty much stress-free, which I never imagined would be possible.

@NCcaterpillar – bloody hell. Let this be the last year that you put up with that crap. At least you see it for what it is now, and you know that it’s not you. The more work you do in learning about these dynamics and seeing them for what they are, the stronger you will feel. And you need to be in that good place for TTC with maximum happiness and positive vibes.

@MonkeyfromManchester – you have become a Rock Goddess and well done to Mr Monkey. Hope you have a fabulous Mummy Monkey Interlude and that The Hag has self-destructed by the time you get back. Spontaneous combustion would be good.

And a big fat CHEERS to @AttilaTheMeerkat and hope you’re drinking a massive holiday cocktail.

fedupsweetpea · 26/12/2022 21:52

Hi everyone. A lurker here. Wish I could tell my story because I'm desperate to talk about it, but it's too outing. I went NC in the spring. Not entirely my choice, more an ultimatum that backfired on their part. I've no one at all family wise now though. Have my own family but no close friends. First Christmas was hard but also easier in some ways. I find myself not really angry for losing my family, just angry for never having a loving family that I would so love.
Well done for everyone for getting through Christmas 🙂 I've felt very lonely at times, but spent a lot of time here x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/12/2022 21:59

Hi Sicario

You are very kind. Have eaten and drunk a lot too
😀

We meerkats have had a great holiday and it’s done us all a world of good . And no turkey eaten either!

Will be back on here in a day or so once I am
up straight at home.

OP posts:
Sicario · 26/12/2022 22:05

Hello @fedupsweetpea and welcome. Your hurt and anger is totally normal and understandable. I never had a loving family either, and there are quite a few of us here in the same boat.

We understand how you are feeling and you are among friends here.

Try not to worry too much about outing yourself. So many of our stories have lots of similarities. Take your time and tell us as much or as little as you are comfortable with, whenever you want. Or just hang out with the gang and lurk!

cassiatwenty · 27/12/2022 07:32

Just saying hi to everyone, a MN friend recommended this thread as holidays brought on some challenges

Ydkiml · 27/12/2022 09:03

Welcome cassiatwenty . I’m so pleased you have found this page . It has helped me immensely! There are some amazing , caring , very wise , very experienced, understanding and loving people on here , oh with a great sense of humour too . I hope it helps you and your situation. x

bananasindressinggowns · 27/12/2022 12:46

Hi all 👋 just popping in to say hello and reading a bit about everyone's situations. I'd like to say I hope you're all having a nice Christmas but that would be very unrealistic so I will just say I'm glad this space exists. I wrote a thread a few days ago ('D'F deliberately giving everyone shit presents) as I was once again doubting my reaction to his behaviour and a few people suggested coming on here. I genuinely had no idea that his behaviour might not actually be justified/logical/acceptable but I am suddenly starting to realise that maybe the decades of horrendous guilt I have experienced might not actually be necessary. Hurray, I suppose?

Icecreamsmiles · 27/12/2022 13:37

New here and so glad for this thread.

Christmas is just an excuse for mean family members to be extra sh*tty to me and I’ve had enough of it.

My gifts from FIL and MIL this year: a dispenser of hand soap, which, just in case I decided to keep all of this luxury to myself, had been labelled “to share”. A couple of books which were so second hand they must have been rescued from the charity shop bin MIL works in - one of them had mould growing on the pages. And a box of bathbombs which I can only assume was another charity shop bin rescue: it was 3 whole years beyond its expiry date. Wow.

Over 20 years of enduring being treated like cr*p by both sets of parents and people wonder why I dread Christmas.

fancyacuppatea · 27/12/2022 13:57

@Icecreamsmiles pop the bath bombs and all the other crap MIL bought for you into a nice gift bag...hand it back to her next year. Halo Don't feel guilty. You're being environmentally friendly by recycling Halo
Either that or buy her some haemorrhoid cream for her cats-bum face.

fancyacuppatea · 27/12/2022 14:00

banana I read your thread. Do you think he's ill? Either that or he's very bitter about something.
It's not you - it's him. Remember that.

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