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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

1000 replies

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2022 17:16

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

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MonkeyfromManchester · 20/12/2022 16:25

@UnderTheOakTree just what @Chocolatpot said. Involve the council, get on the phone to social services and cite you can't manage and your mental health. Lay it on with a trowel. Don't tell her until its sorted. You will face a guilt trip otherwise.

Carers UK have loads of helpful info.

MonkeyfromManchester · 20/12/2022 16:25

Oh my fucking God. How can my life get any worse?

I've been away in Wales for work since Monday and then to my cousin’s farm in the middle of nowhere which has been pure bliss. I've been away from the pure hell of the Hag (cunt of a MIL) for a week in the run up to Xmas.

I'm just pulling into Manchester Piccadilly and my phone rings. It's Mr Monkey. He took the Hag to her podriatory appointment which was pure joy, they get back to her flat and both lifts are broken. The Hag lives on the 7th floor.
There are only a flight of stairs.

“She’s here”
“Christ”
“I can’t carry her up the stairs because of my back”

I nearly buy a train ticket back to Wales, but I've not seen my partner for seven days.

I come home in a cab laden with stuff, open the front door and she's screaming at him. For two hours she's been picking him apart. He's got good boundaries now, but its a deluge of word salad and abuse.

He tells her he's going back to her to her lair to pick up her medicines.

“What for? I can get them, I can climb the stairs, I can manage. I want to go back to my flat.”

Every single minute it's been about going home to her squalid flat.

Apparently, this was the theme of the afternoon before I got home.

More screaming - “get a taxi, it's dark, it's too far”
It's 5pm. It's 10 mins walk. Mr Monkey likes/NEEDS the walk.
I stupidly say “he’s fine to walk.”

Drumroll “you would say that because you've only ever cared about yourself”

I fucking lose it at that point. It's been 30 mins since I entered the house.

I scream “How dare you say that to me in our house”

Her ridiculous comeback is
“You’re an absolute villain, you are.”

What is this? Shakespeare?

“Mr Monkey, Mr monkey, did you hear how she talks to me?”

He pushes back “you don't speak to Monkey like that in our house. Our house is a happy one. Monkey is very caring person. Just be quiet if you have nothing nice to say”.

I go upstairs after hearing her slag us both off to Slave Son on the phone.

“He’s taking HER side like he always does”

Slave Son daren't push back so says nothing. He knows what her behaviour is like and NEVER calls it out. Over the last year, I've seen him as a stupid fucking twat who facilitates her behaviour.
He's an accessory.

More drama. I order a takeaway as if I cook I will be sprinkling in the arsenic.

We then have

“What time is it coming?”

Constantly.

We sit down to eat £70 of food, she is vile, moaning away. I blunt myself with wine and go to bed. I have a stupid row with MM and she comes out of her room (our room) as spectator hoping MM is packing my bags for me.

She wanted to sleep on the sofa with a bathroom upstairs when she can hardly manage the stairs even with MM helping the cunt. Huge drama about having our room.

No thank you.

Obviously.

I wake up to drama.
Most of the breakfast drama I've slept through.

Then we have the whispered conversation to Slave Son on the phone.

“I’m cold”

Deliberately to make MM look shit. The house is fucking roasting and she's wrapped in blankets to resemble a Roman emperor like Caligula.
MM is livid at having his name blackened.

I sort out a plan to get her back in her flat. Three bodies and her carcuss with a folding chair.
My mum helpfully offers to assist.

We present the plan, but ‘oddly enough’, she now doesn't want to leave the warm (fucking roasting now) home with constant cups of tea and food cooked for her. And more importantly people to shout at (Mr Monkey) and me to be spiteful to.

“You don't want me here. SHE doesn't want me here”
me: “that is very true”
“See, see!”
MM “all yesterday and today you've been insisting that you want to go home”
“It's not safe for me to go home. The Caretaker said so” she insisted that MM ring the poor man so he would confirm what she said. No, if she took it slowly up the stairs with support she could do it. She didn't want to hear that.

The Hag went out for lunch with her one and only friend who has the patience of a saint - former nun. And then for her Christmas haircut. At least someone washed her disgusting filthy hair.

Funny she's getting her hair done as she done numerous threats about not coming for the two hour lunch on Xmas Day with always immaculate mummy monkey.

MM “That’s your choice”

“You don't want me here”
“No, it's your choice”

Endless fucking shit.

She's currently seething on the sofa like the evil hag she is.

No sign of the part for the lift. MM is on the phone to the housing association and local councillors again right now. He's suggested I go to my mum’s, but there is NO fucking way I'm leaving my own home whilst the cunt is here. I've got tons of work to do and thank fuck I'm going out with friends for lunch tomorrow.

“Is your mum still coming?”
“Yes”
“Why? I'm staying here.”

I want my mum to come over as a reminder to her that there are nice older people in the universe and a threat that we can take her home.

I want the cunt dead.

Escapingafter50years · 20/12/2022 16:54

Oh @MonkeyfromManchester how awful. I think, whatever it takes, you have to get her out of there. The longer she is there the more emotional damage she'll do, your DH will regress. I'd be paying a couple of bulky lads any money to get her up her stairs whether she likes it or not. I think you're right to stay close to Mr Monkey but hope you don't tolerate much more of this abuse.

Fluffygoon · 20/12/2022 17:22

@MonkeyfromManchester
That reads like a pantomime, where she’s playing both the ugly sisters, and with no laughs 😳 may be worth contacting a private ambulance company as they could get her up the stairs.

briarhill · 20/12/2022 17:51

@MonkeyfromManchester that sounds like a hellscape! I wish you and MM could move far away. I hope you find a way to get her back to her home. Wishing you strength and support!

MonkeyfromManchester · 20/12/2022 18:33

@Escapingafter50years it's awful.

She then decided after deciding she would stay that she didn't want to stay here as it's like being in prison (too right) and we’re not looking after her properly.

More screaming.

She then decided that it's too much trouble for Mummy Monkey to come here and help. When has she EVER cared about being trouble? She thrives on it. The Hag is completely selfish - not one word of thanks. We don't care, apparently. Well, I'm past caring. And MM is approaching that place.

She's got very selective hearing as she could hear me mutter under my breath “for fuck’s sake”, but can't understand or hear a perfectly reasonable conversation.

My mum, because she is a complete star and loves Mr Monkey to bits, offered to take the Hag to stay at hers.

Put it this way, it would be like a very brisk 1950s boarding school.

The Hag knows this and despite the prison she's presently occupying she has voted to stay in the Maximum Security Prison which we run. Much drama about being imprisoned. No words.

Mummy Monkey also mentioned that she's bought a new spade and her garden has thawed out and no judge would send a 77 year old pillar of the local community to prison.

I'm so proud of MM as he's not regressed and is standing up to her appalling bullshit. We're both being mega strong. I'm fed the witch at 6pm and hopefully she’ll be in OUR BEDROOM by 7pm and we can chill the fuck out.

Witch is being fed.

“Yes, I'll have a cottage pie ready meal as that meal last night was disgusting.”

@Fluffygoon that made me really laugh. She's a toxic cunt. She's brilliant at doing the poor Victorian orphan routine. Had not thought about private ambulance, I'm now researching.

MonkeyfromManchester · 20/12/2022 18:44

@briarhill we love our lovely house. But I know what you mean!

UnderTheOakTree · 20/12/2022 18:58

@MonkeyfromManchester Thankyou for your advice re adult social care - I'll investigate after Christmas. Don't know how you're managing with all you have going on, but I hope it all calms down a bit for Team Monkey soon!

farnworth · 20/12/2022 21:58

@MonkeyfromManchester
i have followed all your updates for so long. You have inspired me.
Your details about the Hag have made me able to cope with my own MIL’s most farcically toxic moments with far better grace. Your writing style has been, despite the turmoil you have been through, very witty at times and helped make all Haggish MILs seem more like pantomime villains, and so somewhat a little easier to cope with.
I have been so thrilled by MMs progress and by the hopes for your calmer future together. It has kept me feeling strong and hopeful.
I am finally posting tonight as I wanted to cry on your behalf at your latest updates. Please do all you can to get her out of your home ASAP. Remember it is your and MM’s safe place - she deserves no space in it. You also do not need now to see her on the 25th if you do not want to.
Do all you can to preserve your and MM’s sanity and happiness - you have done far far more than enough.
Sending supportive virtual hugs.

StrawberryFizz27 · 20/12/2022 21:58

Oh @MonkeyfromManchester
What an absolute nightmare for you. You need to get her out of your house as soon as you physically can, she is an evil old woman.

I've not been in here for a while and have name changed since last Christmas. I've had my entitled toxic brother at mine the past 2 Christmas's and he is NOT here this year. Thank fuck.

Hoping everyone has as peaceful Christmas as possible.

MonkeyfromManchester · 21/12/2022 06:46

@UnderTheOakTree I'm really pleased I could give good advice. Honestly, the social workers were fantastic. I have bipolar and I laid it on with a trowel about my mental health and MM’s (he has terrible anxiety - I wonder why - surely it's nothing to do with his appalling childhood).

Don't feel guilty about anything to do with your mum. The social workers have seen toxic old people before. They've seen the damage on their children. They can get a care package in place for your mum. Get as much help as you can. Hag has three care calls a day - funnily enough, she's absolutely helpless here, but doesn't use the carers’ help.

@farnworth I'm so glad I've helped you. This is the only way to deal with the Toxics.

My good grace has flown. I'm a naturally very kind person - I was brought up that way - but Hag is totally vile with no redeeming features whatsoever. My best mate thinks the situation with the Hag would make a fantastic darkly humorously sitcom. MM is getting tons of support from our local councillor on getting the lift in her lair fixed. She’ll be out of here soon. And I imagine when we evict her from the B&B and send her back to her lair she will swing between the Victorian Orphan routine (doesn't work) to screaming banshee and will threaten us with not coming on Xmas Day. I don't get involved with that shit, and MM is expected to beg her to come, which he doesn't anymore and just says that's your choice. She hates it and is puzzled as to why she doesn't have fhs control over him that she has with Slave Son.

MonkeyfromManchester · 21/12/2022 10:34

SHE HAS GONE! Cue dancing in the street. The Caretaker texted at 8.30am this morning, Mr Monkey told her. I think she honestly thought she was staying here or at least for Hag Daycare.

“Why can't I stay here?”
Me: “Because you can't”
“What? Not even for the day?”
Me: “No”.

I started packing her bag immediately. Mr Monkey was calling her a taxi. Taxi arrived at 9am. Back in her house by 9.05am. I went with MM as support and in case she had a ‘fall’. I put nothing past the witch.

She couldn't fucking believe it.

Flat is as squalid as ever. Not been in it since March 2021.

We had squabbling over her wanting to go down the stairs to get rid of the mouldy food. She stores her bread in her spare room.

It seems - today at least - that she's coming for Xmas as she was asking about the arrangements.

I am still shaky, but I'm SO HAPPY.

XXX

CrispyTofu · 21/12/2022 12:13

I haven't posted for a while but follow this thread, you are all doing so well and I take such comfort from the support I see on this thread.

I haven't heard from my parents (bar a Christmas card) for 6 months (their choice). However, I can feel myself getting more and more worried about them just turning up at Christmas. I don't want to contact them but I also think that if I do make contact then at least I am in control. I'm just so scared they will turn up and ruin Christmas for me and my family (DH and DS). Any advice?

MonkeyfromManchester · 21/12/2022 16:09

@CrispyTofu I really feel for you. Don’t get in contact with them as it opens up a dialogue which will be really painful for you. It also gives them a clue that you’re anxious.

If they turn up on your doorstep - they won’t - simply say you don’t want to see them and close the door. Don’t have a conversation. It’s about being assertive.

If you feel they will come and attempt to wreck Xmas disable your doorbell so you don’t have the drama of constant ringing. The Hag - my toxic MIL - loves ringing the doorbell as seen the other week.

MonkeyfromManchester · 21/12/2022 18:54

@StrawberryFizz27 thank you. You have a lovely Xmas with no toxic ghoul.

thisisme2468 · 21/12/2022 19:27

Can I ask a question? Has anyone’s relationship broken down not because the parent is a narcissist but because they are under a narcissist’s spell? And that narcissist is a sibling rather than partner/other parent?

thisisme2468 · 21/12/2022 19:29

@CrispyTofu I feel the same about the possibility of ambush. Is this your first Christmas since communication broke down?

farnworth · 21/12/2022 22:07

@MonkeyfromManchester So pleased to get the update. Hope you have had a lovely Hag free evening!

CrispyTofu · 21/12/2022 23:45

@MonkeyfromManchester thank you, I think I just needed someone to tell me not to make contact.

@thisisme2468 this will be my second Christmas but this is the longest we've gone without any contact. It's so hard isn't it, I think the thought of what might happen is the hardest. How long have you been LC/NC?

MonkeyfromManchester · 22/12/2022 09:01

@thisisme2468 this happens. Someone like @Sicario is an expert on the toxic sibling and the impact on family dynamics.

@farnworth thank you! I had lunch with my friend whose dad is a coercive narcissist and she's NC with him. It was really good to talk to her.

@CrispyTofu no worries at all! This forum is brilliant for shoring up boundaries.

MonkeyfromManchester · 22/12/2022 09:29

Shellshocked.

I am absolutely exhausted and actually physically shaking (still!) after the Hag’s visitation. Even though she went home yesterday. I was obviously running on adrenaline.

Her being here has absolutely put mine and Mr Monkey’s work schedule to pot. I was supposed to finish on Tuesday!!!! I'll be finishing tomorrow. Luckily, I work from home and it will be pyjamas today. I'm still in bed and slept really badly.

She's an evil woman. MM reflected yesterday of some of the things she said/did when he was a child. Pushing him out of the house as soon as she could - it didn't matter what the weather was like - “you can't come back here, the council can have you.” supposedly, she's a good Irish catholic. But she's 86 next year and surely SURELY can't go on for much longer.

I'm really glad I've gone as NC as I can as having this shit in my life from 4pm on Monday to 9.05am on Wednesday has wrought havoc with my mental health. It's reminded me of why I'm NC and how vital it is.

briarhill · 22/12/2022 10:59

Power to you and MM, @MonkeyfromManchester ! I hope you recover your equilibrium. It's awful, isn't it, how little it takes to completely shake us up if we get dragged into this toxic family dynamic. It's crazy-making.

Wishing all the rest you of you strong boundaries and serenity for the holiday season.

I've learned so much from all of your posts, everyone. Thank you for creating this safe space and refuge. You are all amazing!!! Flowers

MonkeyfromManchester · 22/12/2022 11:06

@briarhill thank you. I absolutely do not understand where they get their energy from to create havoc. And WHY!

This forum is a lifeline with amazing people here. Like you, I've reset my thinking and MM’s.

Onwards!

CavalierApproach · 22/12/2022 11:12

Hello all, first time on this thread. The festive fog is thick today 😶‍🌫️

I usually cope okay but this morning I feel a bit overwhelmed, a mixture of sadness and fear. Sadness about the situation, fear of what the next phone call might bring. Like there’s a fist squeezing your heart. Does that happen to others here? How do you make it unclench?

Trying to focus on thoughts of my DP and lovely teenage DC and remember that those are the relationships that deserve space in my head. But it’s wild how other ones elbow their way in.

I don’t have time to even begin to explain my mum but I wanted to put a tentative foot in here and wave. Solidarity to everyone.

Hoping that’ll make me feel like I’ve done something concrete so I can move on and tackle practical Christmas jobs!

Sicario · 22/12/2022 12:57

@thisisme2468 - I have a highly toxic sister who I also call The Destroyer because that's what she does to relationships. She has an enabler husband (total bullshitter) and was the main reason I went NC with my entire FOO.

My mother was abusive too but became impotent as she aged, so I retained a relationship with her but it became totally unmanageable after my DF died and Toxic Sister ramped up her behaviours. She was always a brat, and I am pretty sure there is a personality disorder at play somewhere.

She causes chaos and upset wherever she goes and blames everybody else. Says terrible things about people and never takes responsibility for the consequences.

It took me years to work out what was going on. No internet back then of course and none of the amazing resources we have these days.

So yes, I know exactly what you're talking about.

@MonkeyfromManchester - I really really would not have that woman in my house ever again. Fuck christmas lunch. It would be a firm NEVER AGAIN which I know would be hard for Mr. M but surely enough is enough? I very much doubt he wants her there on Christmas day either.

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