November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

Brilliant tweets this morning.

And another

This resonates

And this

The last one I want to rephrase

“Our boundaries are a consequence of what THEY do”

“It's self-care and kindness”

@Fluffygoon they are so bad with objective evidence 🤣

@RoseJam that toddler taming list is exactly what you'd read in a childcare book. Word for word. We could add ‘throw things out of the cot or pram’ as The Hag has been known to throw things or flail on the floor. She's 86 in March.

Yep, she's like a panto dame with NONE of the humour. No redeeming features, whatsoever. 26 days to Christmas Day. My xmas day will be on Xmas Eve (theatre, dinner out) and at precisely the moment we shut the door on her and Slave Son.

@MonkeyfromManchester

I am feeling worried about going NC with my stepmother it will affect my relationship with my dad

As it's getting closer to next week getting more anxious.

On Sunday had sent him a photo and he didn't respond to it.

I feel like my relationship with dad drift off.

He also has his moments but pretty sure it's her rubbing off on him at times.

Feeling quite anxious not knowing what she thinks about my pregnancy and him trying his best to force us to interact.

It's so weird at the moment.

I need to come up with something to get out of the 7th and just say I am ill or something can't deal with it all.

I'm at peace at the moment don't need to feel stressed or on edge. Uncomfortable around her just need to be left alone.

Changename4

Your relationship with dad is already affected to its detriment because he already has and continues to side with his wife rather than you as his daughter. He is truly a weak bystander of a man as well as her enabler; he's probably also the sort who would say, "don't criticise my choice of wife/the wife I have chosen". He has also failed as your parent here by not telling his wife/your stepmother to at all wind her neck in when she has started on you. He would rather you cop her barbs out of want of self preservation and a quiet life.

Do not JADE your father; i.e. justify, argue, defend or explain your decision not to go on the 7th. I would send him a brief message to state that it is with regret you cannot make that date. No more detail is needed or should be at all provided.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Your right

This why I feel like I will blow up at him.

I actually sent him a message after I posted here no reply.

My stepbrother doesn't talk to my stepmother so think my stepmother wants the same to happen to us.

I will do what you said and send a message saying.

How do you maintain your boundaries around elderly parents? Just got an email from my mother who will soon undergo surgery. My brother's coming out to help her and the passive-aggressive subtext of her message is that I should, too, even though I live overseas and this is a horrendously expensive time of year to travel.

In the previous Stately Homes thread I mentioned my mother, brother, and SIL visited me and stayed at my home this spring and it was an absolutely awful, traumatizing experience with my mother nostalgically reminiscing on the 'paddlings,' ie beatings, she used to give me when I was young and vulnerable. I spent the whole summer dealing with flashbacks and nightmares of early childhood trauma and have only recently got that under control.

Since her visit, I've gone down to written communication only, because that is the least traumatizing for me. Of course, I'm the heartless daughter who won't telephone her ailing old mother.

How do you keep up your boundaries in these situations? I'm afraid of being dragged back into the lion's den. I'm sorry my mother is experiencing age-related health problems but I don't want to sacrifice myself to play some sick parody of happy families only to get mobbed by them again.

Of course, my brother is resentful as hell, but he chooses his level of involvement with her and he cannot make that choice for me.

Any advice will be gratefully received. Huge love and gratitude to you all.

@briarhill - take a deep breath and remind yourself that you don't owe your mother, brother or SIL anything. Perhaps a brief reply to her email saying you hope her surgery goes well and you won't be visiting. Then delete the emails and try to put it out of your mind and move on.

Thank you, @Sicario !

I need to join this thread going through a lot of emotional pain I've no idea where to start but hugs to all xxx

@briarhill you owe an abuser nothing. Just as @Sicario says ‘polite email’ only.

in Monkey Towers, we’ve reached the time of ChristmasCard-gate with The Hag. One silver lining is that has started on 2 December rather than 2 November. She has FOUR cards to post, about 10 cards to give to family and neighbours - that’s it. Cue screaming on the phone to Mr Monkey last night as “you don’t know what it’s like”. I was upstairs snd could hear her. It’s just staggering how the woman can take the joy out of ANY happy occasion. So not looking forward to her being here on Xmas Day. But such a blessed alternative to having to be in the same house (at my mum’s) for 48 hours. Just booked a holiday in Paris as a reward.

Hi folks
I'm channelling @MonkeyfromManchester and very much having Xmas on my terms this year...
Mum will be here. Siblings don't generally bother and even when they do she'd rather come here so that's that. She usually just eats and leaves so not too bad.
Mil is invited for 2 hours on boxing day then ill sit back and relax 😌
Xmas eve is my favourite day anyway 🎄
Mum now has a dx of essential tremor and some cognitive decline. No results on polyps yet.
I hope you all have a peaceful and love filled Christmas x

One of the upsides of being NC is that Christmas is no longer the pile of stress that it used to be. My toxic sister was a master of passive-aggressive gifting and you wouldn't believe the absolute shite she would wrap up and send our way.

It was as though she would go out of her way to make sure we all knew just how much she hated having to think of others or put herself out for one tiny moment. It annoyed me because it was hurtful to my kids, but we would always laugh it off. And never any mention of the nice gifts they would receive from us.

I particularly remember the christmas lunch we were invited for and when we arrived there was barely enough food to feed a gnat and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. As Monkey says - the ability to suck the joy out of any occasion.

None of my family of origin have my address since I moved nearly 2 years ago and it's bliss.

Re Sicario's comment:
"I particularly remember the christmas lunch we were invited for and when we arrived there was barely enough food to feed a gnat and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. As Monkey says - the ability to suck the joy out of any occasion".

I've had exactly that at MILs. And I have not since that Christmas many years ago. Her overtly poor behaviour towards me around Eviangate (her sole contribution to Christmas lunch at our house was one 300ml bottle of Evian water for her other son to drink; the woman could not even stretch to buying a large bottle) was also a catalyst for me to decide that we go on holiday for the festive the following year. And most years since we've done that and again this year we will be on holiday. Narcissists are both mean with money and love. What MIL has done with us is to ask us what we would like in a list and then she buys it via Amazon. I've had gifts given to me still in the Amazon packaging whilst H has had his wrapped!!. Even he noticed that. She gave us separate Christmas cards for some years after we were married (I have never come across anyone else's relative let alone a MIL who has done that) until I spoke to DH about it.

My brother will be also away and my parents are not bothered about Christmas in any case. I would also urge you all to have Christmas on YOUR terms. Happy Holidays!!!.

Monkey

Some suggestions re Paris for you to perhaps consider

Re Paris if Fauchon or Hediard are open at the time of you visiting Paris, do go inside because both are lovely. As is Angelina (tearoom with sublime hot chocolate).

The general and immediate area around and in front of the Eiffel Tower is bad, would not bother with going up this. See it instead from a distance or visit the Montparnasse Tower observation deck instead.

I was here three years ago (different name), almost to the week, and had so much support to walk away from my mother, and the fog and the flying monkeys.

Being here was an amazing source of strength and enabled me to step out of the role that she'd allocated me, walk away and not look back. I've had three years of freedom, no knots in my stomach, no disapproval, no anxiety that I had let my guard down and been punished for that again.

It took a long time to walk away and mean it, and the support I had here was invaluable. I hope all of you, whatever stage you are at, have a peaceful Christmas.

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @Sicario yep, weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs everything is UP FOR GRABS for the joy suckers.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I love Paris. Spent tons of time there 80s, 90s - French university boyfriend - then realised last year that I’d not been since 2006 (!) so as a coming out of Covid treat booked MM and I had a holiday there. In the end when we were due to go Mr Monkey’s MH was in the toilet so I went solo. I didn’t change the smart hotel or the wine tour, went, and has a great time. MM took the week off from The Hag by pretending he was in Paris.

It’s Mummy Monkey’s birthday - another Gemini - so she’s coming too, we’re meeting up with a US friend and her daughter and my Dutch family are driving over. Life is about seizing the moment. Not much £ in the bank at the moment so I got a cheap five night deal in a hotel in the 11th. My mum is a 77 year old hipster so she’ll love the cool bars there. Really.

The Paris plan will be greeted with a mixture of confusion and spleen by The Hag.

she did say when we were going in the spring this year

“what are you going there for?”

🤣🤣🤣

Mr Monkey says that every single holiday with The Hag was awful as a child with her raging at any excitement by her children. The violence ramped up. Literally slapping the joy out of them.

Slave Son wants to go on a cruise in Norway and he daren’t. He’s not had a holiday in years. He's 64. MM says when the Hag dies that's he's taking him on that cruise.

Like we say - the JOY SUCKERS.

Hediard has closed - I saw it on Twitter. TRAVESTY.

I will be in cheese heaven.

@PollyTwoBlankets that is so wonderful to read. Hugs to you.

Yes to spoiling your holidays I don’t think I have ever been on one that was met with a positive comment gave also had ‘what do you want to go there for’ , ‘Edinburgh what a horrible place’, ‘we went there we didn’t like it’ or ‘my friend did that they had an awful time’ when she doesn’t know where it is, think that one is invented 🤣or sometimes she just ignores the fact we have been on holiday completely , the joys !

I tried to reconcile with family members twice, and twice I've had to go NC again.

These posts have been a huge help, a reminder of how much effort it takes to just stay in the relationship and let your life drift. Its just hard work with no reward.

Being here was an amazing source of strength and enabled me to step out of the role that she'd allocated me, walk away and not look back. I've had three years of freedom, no knots in my stomach, no disapproval, no anxiety that I had let my guard down and been punished for that again.
It took a long time to walk away and mean it, and the support I had here was invaluable.

@PollyTwoBlankets , this is what I aspire to you!

Thank you to all your brave souls who lead the way to freedom.