Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

[bethatgirl]

It's been a year now for me and I feel better for it. I do still have shit days, and I also worry about my future, being alone, financially, everything. It's a rubbish old situation we're in!

[Nelly10]

@EmptyInsidetothecore believe me it won’t be rosy! They don’t change and the women there with now have to deal with all there shit! I hope you have a lovely Xmas however you spend it.

@bethatgirl yes I worry about finances a lot because they are still not sorted. It’s weird when I look at my future now it’s just blank like not negative not positive. I really just deal with the day to day stuff or just the weekly things. I don’t think there’s much point in looking into the future because no one knows what that holds. It could be amazing but I just try to stay focused on the here and now. X

[Lieslies]

Sometimes the karma bus turns up 🤣https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4940712-omfg

[threeandmeandthedog]

You handled that with total
dignity @Lieslies - sounds like you have forged a good life for yourself, set clear boundaries and things are looking up for you. Interactions with exDH always unsettled me- can’t have been easy for you. You did it with minimal drama 👊 Good for you!

[bethatgirl]

@Lieslies brilliant, and well handled. How dare he try and come crawling back after a year!

[Nelly10]

Anyone sent closure emails once divorce was finalised? Exh ex in-laws?

Or Is it best to move on?

[threeandmeandthedog]

I haven’t @Nelly10 . Everyone’s circs are different. But for me it would not give me closure. I think, on a personal level, closure comes from letting go, focusing on yourself and living your new life for YOU. My ex cheated and the remorse he showed, which was minimal , made no difference.

I am still friendly with Ex in-laws , but keep them at arms length now as I am getting on with a new chapter of my life.

Consider what you are hoping to gain from this? Will your ex and ex ils care? Are they people you want in your life moving forward? Are you hoping for understanding or some form of apology from them?

if you are doing it for yourself- and expecting nothing in return and will be unfazed by their reaction, then I guess you have nothing to lose. However if it opens you up to more hurt then it might be better to try to move forward the best you can. For me, closure is living your life for you and finding peace and happiness in that 💐

[Nelly10]

I don’t expect or want a response.

I do want to set the record straight, I feel like I stayed quiet for many many years and never stood up for myself.

I’m a good person they know that but I want to tell the truths whether they believe them or not.

I am getting on with my life and only concentrate on myself and my family but I feel like this is something I need to do for me.

[butterflyandbees]

I wanted to do another update on here and am glad I found the thread again. So it has been 10 months since STBXH left, he said he would start divorce proceedings as soon as he moved and it never happened so I got the link from him and went online to start them myself. As everything had been already divided, it is simply a box tick to say the marriage has irretrievably broken down and then the divorce will be completed by May.

Not long after he left I was finding my feet, enjoying the peace and quiet of not being shouted at or put down. I realised he had been very angry and controlling and I was slowly rebuilding my confidence. Then this last month, I had a chest infection and was very ill, I had to continue to work and my beautiful Persian cat developed kidney disease and had to be put to sleep. Something in me just broke and I suddenly I regretted the end of the marriage again. I started crying a lot and missing my ex. I started feeling a loss of control over everything around me. Last year being alone in the hotel came back to me and then the panic attacks that had stopped began again in earnest.

My ex was the only family I had so it felt like the end of so much more than just a marriage to me, it was the loss of my tiny family unit.


He also took a 5 week holiday to Thailand, very strange for a man who never wanted to travel, and it got me thinking some very dark and horrible thoughts. He has been very weird with me since that trip, refusing to speak and only communicating via email, but in a very cold manner

I have never had a conclusive reason he abandoned the marriage as it seemed to change with every conversation after he left. Sometimes I had done nothing wrong, other times I was a cold person and didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved.

I had a very brief rebound relationship with an old friend and that came to nothing as he was just using me while I was feeling very vulnerable and alone. I am scared of men and relationships now, but really feeling the loneliness and isolation as I see everyone around me connected to their partners and families. I am still taking Citalopram antidepressant and have had a lot of counselling, I seem to recover for a while then fall into this pit of despair and loneliness that is all consuming.

How is everyone I spoke to on this thread coping now, I hope all is going well for you all and you have come out the other side into happiness.

[Nelly10]

@butterflyandbees sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I think it’s worse when you are ill you can’t cope with things as much. Hopefully you can get back on your feet, I don’t have much advice about coping it’s a one day at a time thing I think especially when you are finding things difficult.

Do you have any other support nearby friends etc?

14 months for me I feel like things are actually worse than this time last year. Second Xmas financially things are very difficult and I have dcs so having to gently mention about it being a skinny Xmas. I don’t feel as hopeful as I did this time last year infact I think I was still in shock last year. Like I say I don’t have much advice, one day at a time and try and get support where you can.

Good luck.

[Soonenough]

It is so up and down though. Even though I am long past your journey , every so often something will trigger a feeling of desolation again. The good thing is that now, I know the feeling will pass and with each time, gets less distressing.
When you are alone, being unwell or going through a tough time , it is tempting to think that your previous relationship would be nice to have back. Really though , think about it , how much support was he when he was actually around ?

And long trip to Thailand?? Sleazy sex tourist is what it screams of . Yuck . Dodged a bullet methinks .

[butterflyandbees]

Soonenough, you read my mind re Thailand, I have been having the most horrible thoughts about why he would even consider going there. I want the divorce completed just for that reason alone. I have no proof of anything, but why not a week in Spain.

[Soonenough]

Dont give it any headspace. It will look great on the assets declaration as an expense this year.

[Blankspace4]

Just starting the journey. Wanted to keep things amicable but he has taken the legal route. No DC but together almost 20 years.

we both know it’s the right thing to do but I feel totally overwhelmed, lost, lonely and like a total failure in life after failing to be able to have children and now a failed marriage

i Don’t know how I’m going to have the strength, finances and momentum to see this through. A huge part of me now just wants to settle to avoid the disruption but I know that’s not the right thing for either of us. I’m scared (not of him, just what’s to come)

[rockingbird]

Hello, popped on to see you all and update a year on. Here we are again Christmas pending. Up early wrapping presents as the children are with their dad this weekend. I'm off to London on the train early to meet up with my sister and go and see a show / have lunch and do some Christmas shopping. It's been a rollercoaster ride this year.. 🫣 at times I've felt helpless and alone, other times I've felt empowered and invincible. Our beloved family dog was diagnosed with a terminal disease and at the ripe old age of 13 I had to make the difficult decision to have her pts as her health was massively declining and it broke me all over again. I'd asked again and again for support from ExH which he promised then promptly vanished.. when it's not his weekend with the children he's off out and uncontactable!! Despite having previously agreed we would all say goodbye together I was left to sort it out alone with two children and my own emotional state in tatters. Somehow this impacted me all over again, another piece of the family broken 😞 I took some time off work, regrouped and put my big girl pants on, his lame excuses for not supporting us (or even just the children) were just not convincing. The lies have continued, the woe is me when he's feeling lonely has also continued, still from a distance he tries to control me.. doesn't work and is quite amusing but hey ho. I've spent the past year building a new home, I've got very hand with diy and I'm super proud of everything I've accomplished. Christmas remains non negotiable, don't like it - see you in court. Will cost him dearly and he's a tight fecker so won't go down that route! He's taking them Boxing Day to see his mother - I'd love to be a fly on the wall 😆 they both detest her and so do I. Not once has she reached out to see how we are, supporting her lying barstard of a son just like she did her own cheating husband. She's welcome to him. I'm quietly biding my time until my mental state is ready to take the reins and get the divorce started.. it's always going to be messy, his finances are hidden, he thinks I won't fight, but by god I will - when the time is right. I'm not sure where this year has gone if I'm honest, I feel like most of it has been in fight or flight mode.. feeling positive about the future but also a little scared of going it alone if that makes sense. So nice to read all your updates, let's keep on going!

[threeandmeandthedog]

The year seems to have flown. It has been a bloody hard year, but I am divorced, finances done, and by god am I happy to be rid of that cheating, alcoholic, bad tempered, selfish, cold and callous man. Every time I have to interact with him about the DC (which always raises my heart rate to above healthy levels) I am reminded that I am so much better off now. I look back in wonder at how my self esteem was so low as to stay with him for all those years. My 3 DC are all teens, and he has them 50%, and they seem to be settled with this and I am glad they have that relationship with him even though I detest him and miss them.

it is hard being positive in front of DC and not being drawn into commenting when they tell me stuff , eg he is out a lot of the time for his hobby (always came first over me and family life) and they have to cook, he is short tempered and shouty etc. DC know they can come here anytime, it’s a short walk away etc. It is hard letting go and not commenting on his crapness, but I am learning. And the DC will and do vote with thier feet.

Dated a really lovely fella for a bit. But ended it because I realised that I was enjoying being single and right now the last thing I want is a new relationship when I am finding my feet.

I am having to work ridiculous hours to get some savings together and to afford to stay in the house, but it won’t be forever and I don’t mind when the kids are away I can just get on with it.

Its been hard, I do feel very alone sometimes as my parents died when I was quite young and I lost my lovely sister 6 years ago. Ex-h ‘s family are still about, but it’s weird and I need to detatch from them. I have lovely friends and a lovely brother, so I am not alone.

I have focused on looking after myself and the DC, I have stopped drinking and smoking, got fit, leant on my pals when needed, and have quietened my life right down. Some friends have fallen by the way side- which I have been quite surprised at, but I guess these things happen with divorce.

I still feel relieved to be out of my marriage and although I am not looking forward to Xmas, it’s just one day, and any day I can sit in my PJs and eat nice food will be good. So all in all I feel so much happier and stronger than this time last year and I am really really really exhausted too.

[threeandmeandthedog]

@rockingbird I am so sorry about your ddog. Our family dog was PTS at a similar age and it was awful- so sad. So hard to go through without another adult to support you too- but you did it. Your ex wasn’t there when he said he would be and he won’t be- it’s hard not relying on someone for emotional support when you have in the past. His behaviour speaks volumes- it is all about him and he won’t be there for you. It sounds like you did the right thing, took time off and looked after yourself. Good for you!

The divorce process and finances are super stressful- feels very freeing and a huge relief to have it done. Have you found a good solicitor? I didn’t use one for the divorce itself but did for the finances, and it was worth the ££.

Have a great day in London !

[threeandmeandthedog]

@butterflyandbees I am so sorry about your cat too. That sounds really hard. As for ex H- as others said- don’t give his sleezy trips anymore headspace. Minimize contact and detach. I know it is hard, but rather than searching for an answer as to why your ex left, which you Will never get, can you focus on the fact that you deserve more? You deserve to be respected, you deserve to be with someone who is able to express their feelings and talk about thier problems and treat you with kindness, you deserve to have your feelings considered and respected. Your ex does not deserve you. You are far better off not being with someone who treats you that way.