Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

@butterflyandbees it's not the same rule for all, but I would say in my case, the anger came from that sun set he was sailing off to, wasn't actually a sun set. It was fire and fury.
He and his affair partner tried to take my childrens home, as of destroying their family unit wasn't enough. They came at me with everything (police, social services, smear campaigns). I carried on fighting back. If he was jumping overboard, I was not going to be the one to throw a life boat. I needed to secure my kids.
He's gone now, we are no contact. The man I had children with died the day he decided to enter into an affair. The man that presented himself after, was a stranger, and not one I would choose again.
That's where his anger came from, I saw him, for all his vulgarity, his rotten sense of self importance. I saw through him, he found that uncomfortable

Partner left me after ten years on boxing day last year. Dd and I were shattered completely .
Taking Christmas slowly this year. Its still very hard. But more positives than negatives.

My husband told me he was "done" out of the blue just over a year ago. I loved him so very much (still do) and thought we'd be together forever. What was the worst thing at the time was him telling me it was because I was some awful person who didn't care about him. He brought up discussions from years previously and totally twisted what I'd said to suit his narrative. He told me I lashed out when angry and said hurtful things. I knew 100% that I'd said no such thing but he made me doubt myself. Of course there was another woman, a client of our business nearly 20 years younger than him. He kicked me out of our home and business and just slotted her into my vacant space keeping all our old routines etc. He moved her in the same day I removed my things from our home. I found the script after someone mentioned it on here and it was illuminating.

He now wants to be best friends and is stalling on the divorce and finances. I can forgive him for wanting out of the marriage and almost for the affair. But making me think I was going crazy I can never forgive.

It felt like I'd die from the pain at the beginning. Thankfully I have fantastic friends and family and a new job that I absolutely love. Just need him to play ball with the divorce so I can get out of living in a static caravan at my parents and get on with my life.

I'm 2 years post breakup and year divorced. My general feeling looking back is I just seemed to have got through it one day at a time. And my thoughts were generally of the 'this too shall pass' type attitude. The best thing I did, and I know it won't be right for everyone, was getting divorced straight away- so we had a clean break very quickly. and I don't have to revisit divorce proceedings at some point in the future. I am now happier than I've ever been in my adult life. I have a smaller house, smaller car, smaller income ... and I am hugely happy and alive! I love every day of my independence and freedom. I'm learning what's really important in life I'm learning who I am again.

My husband told me 11 weeks ago that he didn’t love me and moved out. Completely out the blue.apparently I’ve made him unhappy for the last ten years. Rewritten history etc. This only weeks after our son finished treatment for cancer. Wants to pursue his own happiness at all costs.

I don’t recognise the man I have spent 28 years of my life with anymore.

We are going to counselling as I do thing the trauma of our sons cancer diagnosis has been very catastrophic, although he blew our son out on Friday night in favour of watching the World Cup in town with his friends.

I cry every day, and I still love him, but at the same time I’m seeing him for the selfish arsehole that he is.

I also wish I had a fast forward button to the day when I feel on top of the world and wonder why I spent any energy on him.

@thefirstmrsrochester I'm so heart felt sorry your son and your family had to endure cancer. One thing I can promise you; the more he treats your children like a option rather than a priority, the day you feel nothing but contempt will come sooner than you think.

You fought, no doubt for your son, gave every fibre of your being and every once of energy. To watch someone disregard that, so easily, will help in your healing. Your son will always remember who was in his corner

This week for me so pretty recent. I've moved out after years of being married to a controlling narcissist. Smallest DS is with me and happy, older two teenagers are barely speaking to me after their dad kindly pointed out this was all my idea and nothing to do with him. My anxiety is through the roof, I can't bear the thought of them hating me :(

I applied for my conditional order of divorce yesterday and so relieved that it feels like the end is going to be in sight soon. The 20 week wait is over and hopefully by Jan-Feb I will be free and no longer his wife. I can't imagine how surreal it's going to feel.

They won't hate you

It might take time but our children will eventually see the truth about them. We have to allow them to make up their own minds about their parent. I'm so sorry he is badmouthing you - stay firm in your self worth, a narcissist has to find a way to make themselves the victim and blame us. My ex is the same, they have to justify their behaviour in their own heads, so they distort reality to cope. I've learned to pity him - what an exhausting, pathetic life it must be to have to make up lies like this in order to feel OK about yourself. You did the right thing. Your kids will understand that one day.

Me too. 3 months from confirmation of his affair, 2 months from when I realised he had no intention of doing what I needed to consider savig our relationship, ad I kicked him out. He went straight to live with OW.

No contact for the last month until late last night when I got a whole bunch of calls and texts saying he still loved me, which I texted back once to get him to stop. He was obviously drunk. I'm pleased that it just made me eye roll. A few weeks ago I might have started begging him to come back. I think I've really accepted the man I love has changed and I don't like the new twatty selfish version of him. I still have bad days, but I don't feel the same level of hurt.

Also starting to enjoy the silver linings to this cloud. Some things are so much better now he's gone.

They get angry because they know they are being shits, that makes them feel uncomfortable about themselves, then they turn that into you making them feel bad, and it comes out as anger towards you. It's emotional immaturity.

I'm three years on from separation and four years on from our marriage breaking down. Reading this back reminds me of the rollercoaster of feelings and experiences — desperate terror as it all started and giddy/ manic post-separation.

A year and a half post-separation, I settled into feeling truly content in myself and my life. Now three years on I’ve relocated, have a successful career, two happy children and a lovely partner.

Feeling so brave that I plan to have even more children and risk myself all over again 🙃. None of it was in my plan but life takes you in different directions sometimes

Six weeks ago I moved out everything happened so quickly it was meant to be I’m happier now than I’ve been for years, only now I’ve moved I realised this in fact only after about three weeks. Friends say the same Christmas this year will be fantastic even if in my own I’m having treats favourite dvds. To all of you suffering it will get easier hugs.

Three months for me since I kicked my husband out because of his binge drinking. I'm getting on with life but he's all over the place, sporadicly sending abusive messages and randomly turning up at the house. Luckily, I've managed to get my keys back.

I don't know when he'll be calm enough to talk about starting meditation so I'm just putting off thinking about the legalities until 2023. Adult DCs want to invite him for Christmas Dinner and I said that's OK with me but he just sent a rude text to the one who asked.

I'm in a very similar situation to you. Although my H told me back in January but is still in the house! He has good and bad also which has given me false hope along the way.

Reality has been hitting me thick and fast. This happened to me at the start of the year too. I was relieved initially and then I just panicked and tried to resolve it. Then he came back and I hated him, wanting him gone again. I just know now that its a normal stage of grief and that I have to just keep going through the storm. Its bloody awful though. He still hasn't texted me anything since I saw the text his ex sent (which was an innocent text but he promised me years ago to not contact her as years ago he tried getting back with her whilst with me). No apology though or anything. We just text via my mum about the kids and business. Can't believe he has no remorse. I'm tempted to message him at times asking questions etc but it wasn't working anyway and he isn't exactly messaging me! He was the one in the wrong.

4 months since me and my children packed up the car and left. I had no choice in the end and I don't regret it. Now he's realising I'm pretty bloody serious and his controlling ways no longer work it's getting nasty - as suspected. I am waiting on some good news this week.. we are currently in a temporary flat but doing great. I'm frightened about the future, I'll have a long divorce ahead of me if I could never see him again that would be amazing but it's not going to happen. I do however feel empowered and hopeful for our future.

Today has been really bad. A friend invited me to work her market stall for 2 days while she was busy. Husband at home now wanting to run our business alone, he is looking at property, which he intends to buy over the internet without a viewing!!!! This lovely, down to earth, kind man is now acting like a crazy person. I don't know who he is, why he has changed, but I can't get my head around it at all. I go to talk to him as the person he was and am greeted by this hostile alien. I am frightened for the future, about how I will pay my way and what sort of work I can do after running a company together for many years. Albeit he did the brain work and I did the menial stuff like packing and sorting. When does this pain end...

I’m going through a very bad day.

I was very unhappy and asked for relationship counselling in late March which was quickly turned by him to divorce, suits me fine. I was left in limbo for 5 months because he wanted to stay in the family home, and we have to wait til March 23 before the tenants move out of another home we own. That’s fine too.

Then in august he changes his mind about which house he wants to sell, has a solicitor for a week, and since then has been bombarding me with emails about his latest ideas and financial offers. Then gets pissy with me when I don’t reply.

I just want to do this like normal fucking people, and send letters and emails to each other via solicitors. It’s bad enough sharing the same house, without him shouting and swearing at me, sending shitty texts and his self pitying emails.

He has emotionally bullied me for so many years. I gave up arguing or disagreeing with him a long time ago. He wants me to jump to it every time, but his bullying and nastiness just paralyses me and I just want to run away.

I think I’m going to have to tell him tomorrow that he will have to send everything direct to my solicitor. I’m over 60 years old, but I want somebody else to do that for me.

@Toomanysleepycats that sounds incredibly stressful.
Don't get involved in any conversation with him. I'm sure he has your solicitors details, if not, send them to him.
Why does he get to decide which property sells? He may have lots of fancy ideas, no doubt he's realising the practicalities of divorce/separation which aren't pleasant nor easy to navigate.
I'm loathed to suggest using solicitors for everything but it maybe necessary for this if he is bombarding you.
Can you move out somewhere? Even an air bnb ? Just to release the pressure you're under? He may well back off if you manage to take some control back?

Thank you @cleanbreak2022 i actually “ran away” two weeks ago to my DDs house after a particularly bad day. I’m here because we are doing the house up. I am refusing to discuss anything other than the weather, where’s the butter? He is now only doing things by email, but that’s still too much for me. If he starts verbally abusing me again, I will move out.

This situation is just a microcosm of my marriage. He’s a selfish, entitled bully who is used to having his word as law. I have become a shell of myself and am unable to speak honestly to him.I have just got to get through this bit.

There is enough money for the two of us to continue our lives, but he is so used to having access to 90% of it, he’s furious because 50/50 doesn’t suit him at all.

The whole point is I don’t know how to take control back from him. He’s ground me down so much, I’m a shell of a person.

On the plus side of my divorce I have no feelings left for him and there is going to be just enough money so I’m not frightened of the future.I just need to get through this bit. Then I’m off to start my new and happy life.

Thank you for your concern. This experience has really made me understand those women who won’t/can’t leave a physically abusive relationship. They want to, but feel they need permission first. To stay safe/sane you have to give up your power in the marriage. Once given up it’s nearly impossible to take it back.

It’s an eye opener reading through this thread - hearing about the anger of these men, the rewriting of history, the bringing up of things that happened years ago. My ex went back through five years of texts to send me little snippets which he said proved how unreasonable I was.

I’m now a year and a half into him leaving out of the blue at a time when I was still breast feeding my youngest and getting about two-three hours sleep a night. After the bewilderment and heartbreak died down I started to realise I was happier without him.

No more little comments, no more criticisms which he would say I was taking too personally. Just peace. Sorting out a divorce and trying to buy a new place is far from easy but I am hoping to get settled again. I have a new partner but don’t see myself wanting to buy a place with a man again. I don’t want someone being able to take everything away again

StayingStrongish, its so predictable how they twist and smear. Its like they download a pdf file on how to behave. They have to twist it on us to alleviate their guilt as we know. Same thing happened to me regarding digging up old texts but instead reactions to his behaviour when I was 17, 18, 19.. I'm now early-mid 30s. I mean talk about scraping the barrel. Made me feel good though thats all he had on me. Although he came back and then I was pretty toxic, I was constantly on at him to "stop ignoring me", "make more effort" and then I'd sulk. Previously I'd just cracked on talking to him whilst he stared at the tv/his phone. When he left I realised what a mug I'd been and that doormat died but was replaced by a "nagging woman". Kids weren't happy etc. I love this thread because it shows how theres a few of us in the eye of the storm but knowing we're not alone and then theres the women who are through the other side saying how happy they are☺️

Allof you hugs and more hugs believe when you get your lives back it will be so worth it I’m like a kid for Christmas this year and I have felt like this for years. No being dragged down no political stuff sport morning moon and night. No money spent on smokes weed music career that wasted more money. He soon realised just how expensive bills are when he demanded separate accounts best thing ever I left six weeks later.with tiny savings not much. Very happy now love it.

Sorry meant haven’t felt like this for years.