Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

@ThePredictableScript that’s great news!

Ive been dating too but none suitable for anything long term yet!

I have no feelings for my ex at all I just want things all completely done now.

Im still trying to sort the divorce, he’s stalling on the house & finances tbh it’s driving me abit nuts.

However I’m just going to enjoy my summer with my dcs, friends and family x

Loving summer bed plans for the autumn as luck on my side got given a fridge freezer so can buy bed earlier.

Aww @ThePredictableScript that's amazing!
I've had one date, but had a lot of attention from male colleagues, however they are either too young, married!, or I'm just not that into them! And I'm enjoying being single and enjoying the summer with my DC's.

Gosh that was the worst gloomy autumn and winter ever! I am happy, and feeling good at the moment. Not discussed divorce anymore, decided I will stay in house for foreseeable. I miss my family life, but im feeling SO much better!

Glad you all are too 💐

Definitely not interested in dating the pool will be tiny so not even going there. It’s lovely even though paying of scammer debts to be free of the financial stuff my ex had weed smoking music studio time not my problem now.

Hi all, I’m 9 months into my separation now divorce is still on going due to stalling over finances and house. I’ve done everything I can to get me through this process, I had counselling, I’m probably the fitest I’ve ever been in my life to help mentally. I’ve spent alot of time with my family and friends. I’ve been out, dated a little, set myself challenges however the last few weeks I’ve had these really incredibly low moments where I’m thinking the worst and that I’d rather run away (these are fleeting but overwhelming). I actually felt more positive 3 months ago. I’m just wondering if this is normal or I’m slipping back ? Was with H 20 years and my youngest dc has struggled hugely and this is impacting me massively. I’ve accepted the marriage is over (multiple infidelities over a number of years only discovered at time of split). It’s the utter destruction of my family im finding it so hard to come to terms with.

@Nelly10 it sounds like you have found lots of coping strategies that help you (like you I have never been this fit in my life!). I think sometimes grief just hits you when you are least expecting it. Grieving for the future you had planned out, the life you had, processing infidelities and making sense of a past that has been re written by these…these are all big things to deal with and sometimes they just hit you.

I am a similar time frame to you and also split due to infidelity. I have been so positive, stopped drinking, got really fit, processed my feelings to the best of my ability, but little things bring me down. What helps is just accepting that this is normal. These feelings are uncomfortable and hard to sit with, but they will pass. Writing really helps me.

I also wonder if I have been running on complete adrenaline. I am now at a point where we have agreed on finances and we are just waiting for the 20 weeks to be up so we can apply for consent and conditional orders. It’s been very stressful and I am exhausted and teary. But wierdly calm and ok. As long as I don’t have to deal with the total arsehole of an ex very often- and luckily I don’t have to.

so it could be that you are just extremely tired? This is a mentally exhausting process. Even more so when you are containing and moderating your feelings the whole time in order to support your children’s emotional needs.

You have a lot to process. At times the feelings that go with this are really overwhelming. This is normal. You are not going backwards. It’s part of the process. Reach out to your friends and family. Be kind to yourself. Remember it will be ok, because it will xx

@Nelly10 I think those feelings are normal. Although I don't feel how I did 9 months ago, there have been times when DH has been back home for things and then left and I've cried. I still feel devastated for the future that is no more and still can't quite believe this has happened to me!!

Thought I’d come on and say hi to you all. How’s everyone been?

I am now 8 months in since STBEH and I separated (his choice, infidelity found afterwards). What a whirlwind few months.

Have reached a really positive place tbh. Feel very much back to myself pre me meeting him over 15 years ago. I’m more spontaneous, happy, less serious, a better parent, worker and friend.

Hit the dating pool in March and fell a bit heavy straight on which knocked me backwards when I needed to step away (red flags in him which I knew weren’t right) and got to a place of being happy single. Someone else now in my life and taking it slow, but at the same time, we’ve been so honest with each other, it’s a brilliant connection on many levels. Never had that in any other relationship. We’ve both got our own (happy) lives and just complimenting each others which feels good. Ticks all boxes of what I want in the future, loads in common, he’s very much into me (plus he’s fit as f*!!) and no red flags all, despite me looking all over for them. Nice and chilled which feels lovely.

DC doing really well, fab school reports and generally coping well.

STBEH is being a pain really (but then not in comparison to others). He refuses all telephone contact and it’s on his terms not mine that we speak. I didn’t like it at first but fine with it now. It’s like he’s decided I’m a narcissist and treating me like text book in terms of how to communicate with a narcissist (despite me not being one). It is what it is and I have no anger or any feelings about it. Leaving him to it. Friends can’t believe his behaviours and how I’m behaving in terms of being fine / humble about things. Haven’t got it in my to be angry, just the odd cuss word I’ll say of him.

He’s put a financial proposal forward, via solicitors, which is annoying as costing me to respond, and it’s not what we agreed so perhaps some back and forth over the coming weeks. More annoyed mortgage rates have gone up and it’s going to sting me to buy him out but I can afford so need to stop worrying.

hope all is ok with everyone

Best birthday ever yesterday friends gave me a fabulous day saving now for my new bed then Christmas buying My life just gets better now. The scammer debts start to finish in 9 months so thrilled. Hugs to everyone.

Any tips on how to deal with a bare faced liar?
I am 9 months into the break up./divorce. My stbxh is still lying about everything basically. His affair partner, assets, finances, still denying everything he’s done.
I am absolutely sick of it, its really getting me down now.
It’s just so so unfair, he completely denoted a bomb under our life, marriage family together with no remorse and still the lies continue. I’ve accepted what he’s done the person he actually is. I just can’t believe he’s still lying at this point!
I have 2 dcs with him still young I just get overwhelmed that I’m going to have this for years to come!

I never in a million years imagined I’d end up here.

Married for 20 years, together for 23. Were both early 50s.

We had a really rocky patch a few years ago, then covid hit and I thought we’d come through it, if not stronger, then stable.

But my beloved, wonderful husband has decided he no longer loves me and wants to separate.

I know I won’t be believed, but I am 100% sure there in no one else involved.

I just don’t even know what to do, from the basics, who lives where, pets (no kids), how to tell family, who will be disbelieving and even more shocked and confused than I am.

Help…

@Lostsadandconfused I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Please tell some people close to you so you can get support.

When you feel ready, it would be a good idea to go to a solicitor to go through your finances. They can hopefully recommend a local mediator who can help you reach a financial agreement.

@Nelly10 i think, for your own sanity and energy levels, you need to try and step back from the shit storm and nonsense he is creating which is really hard when if affects you. There is literally nothing you can do to change his behaviour- so don’t waste your efforts and energy trying. Have you got a good solicitor?

Focus on you. Surround yourself with people who can support you and your children. Decide what you want. Find a good solicitor. And find an outlet for your stresses- a counselor, exercise, writing a journal, talking to friends/family, these things do help and are about you and your well-being
.
Its really hard, my STBEX is a total arsehole, can’t believe I was with him for nearly 20years. He is not remorseful and he behaves like a petulant child. this book has helped, a friend gave it to me and I rolled my eyes as didn’t look like my sort of thing at all, but it has really helped me step back from the arseholery of my ex and stop icing his crap behaviour head space.

@Lostsadandconfused so sorry you are going through this. It’s brutal. Get some support from friends and family, tell people in RL who can help you. It’s a huge shock and you need to give yourself time and space to breath and process what has happened and think about your next steps- it helps to tell other people who can be there for you. It’s shit, but I promise it does get better over time.

Hi, I hope everyone is ok. I've been struggling this weekend. My littlest had first day at school Wednesday, although I took the day off that day I've not seen her or her big brother since to see how it's all going. I feel so lonely. Barely had any adult company this weekend. Usually I'm so positive about all this and life has been getting so much better post split (although another one whose husband is stalling on proceedings!). I just miss my kids, and being part of my friends' worlds this weekend. All part of the deal is guess. X

I can imagine that is particularly hard, the first day at school etc. There will be times like that and it's not easy. I feel lonely sometimes and miss not having any adult company at home in the evenings. There are ups and downs all the time aren't there?!. It's still very to new to us all so don't be hard on yourself :)

Thanks @bethatgirl it is! The evenings can be long. Most mums would be jealous of time by themselves on the sofa, which makes me feel quite isolated from them at times. Really I'm lucky though, I have great friends. I hope you're doing ok x

Happy September everyone - how's it going?

I think for some of us it is is nearly 12 months since separating. Would love to say its gone fast but it hasn't.

I had a lovely man for 10 weeks but he's called it this week which has wounded me. Pretty dam perfect guy with multiple green flags and even the nicest breakup too but I'm struggling with it. Tbh its been a tough month during august with financial negotiations, work issues, parenting during the holidays whilst working and now this amazing man not being in my life. Thankfully, still in therapy but it's hurting nonetheless that someone else is 'rejecting' me (tbf he's told me it isn't me, it's all on him and he wants to work through some things). Deep down I know it isn't me, but still.

I'm going to have to stay single for a while because this dating lark is too difficult to deal with when it goes the other way!

I'm a year on, for some reason I feel stuck and my mind is on replay-memories pop into my head, the marriage I had shattered. Then I remind myself why! It's actually been quite scary at times to go it alone, being a single parent is daunting. It's much harder on my mental state when the kids are with their dad at the weekend (eow). I try to keep focused on the new life we have, but I certainly didn't sign up for this!! There's definitely some anger inside me, this needs channelling in a good way so once the boys are back in school tomorrow I'm starting strength training at the gym. I hear it's good for menopausal women and I could certainly do with dropping some weight. I seem to have no interest in meeting anyone else, after the lies and deceit I just couldn't risk getting hurt again. It's very much a rollercoaster ride, a long one 🤣

It is so slow to recover. @EmptyInsidetothecore I had a short relationship, thought it was just casual but when he called time , it really brought all those feelings of rejection back. I got quite upset which surprised me . Problem is that when your partner that you trusted implicitly lets you down , how do you ever hope to trust a man again. And in OLD, how do you ask if they are single because they cheated? Plus what if I meet someone like my ex that I know was online whilst living with me ? Nightmare

I saw it coming in the sense that I was working on inner child stuff, and knowing that I was protecting some of that internally (eg ex left, dad left, this guy will leave) but actually had managed to come past that and focus on the multiple green flags and actions by him that he wasn’t going anywhere. Then, out of nowhere, he’s ended it. He’s gutted too but he’s just not in the right headspace himself and I respect that - he’s taking some advice I’d given him too, which I’m pleased about too. He was emotionally aware of how he’s feeling (as am I) which was opposite to my ex, and that’s why I felt this was different.

I have to take out of it the positives - he’s raised the fucking bar even more in terms of my expectations and boundaries as he met all of them.

My search for the impossible human continues…

I still get flashbacks too. And my imagination is wild so that’s not helpful when DC tells me things.

I am a sucker for love and companionship and was happy to be single but this guy come along and was amazing. I’ve learnt loads from the short time with him and I have to take the positives but it hurts still.

i would really encourage strength training. I started last December and I’m the strongest I’ve ever been at the age of 40. It’s an investment in yourself and good for discipline, goals and focus.

Happy September everyone. It's been 11 months almost for me and I can't believe it!
I still think about it day in, day out but am feeling happier in general.

I also have no desire to get into another relationship, I'm just not feeling it but would quite like something not very serious lol. I did try OLD very briefly for that reason but it just wasn't for me...... yet. But I do worry because I'm 40, like, what if I don't meet anyone for years and then the menopause creeps up? Does anyone else worry about that? Is it even a thing to worry about? I worry about being on my own forever more which could be a long time, and I also worry about not trusting people. I'm hoping this is all normal.

Yes, over a year for me now, I'm enjoying the excitement of the thought of a new relationship, but actually i don't think I'm ready either. I'm struggling at times without the companionship and the intimacy (eg close physical contact, not necessarily sex), but really I think it would be tol hard if it didn't work out. I worry too about being alone forever, and facing difficult times alone. But on the whole it's positive.
The kids seem to be struggling a bit now, anyone else's the same? It's like reality has sunk in for them.
Love to all x

It will be a year for me in November.
@EmptyInsidetothecore i am doing strength training and am 44. Have been at it since April and I love it- my body has never looked like this before and I feel great.

my emotions are still a bit of a roller coaster but it’s much more steady, lots more happy times than hard times. Still lots of anger towards ex. I hardly see him now, which is how I like it. Got used to the 50/50 with the kids but I still miss them when they aren’t here. I never signed up to parent 50% of the time.

Have started dating… not sure if I am ready but will see how it goes. I love having my own space and it would take a bloke who has something very special to offer to give up my freedom- I like my life and my friends, I am happy in my job, I like myself and I value my own space and not having to share it with a man… I felt far more lonely in my marriage than I do now.

Ex cheated and I think it will be hard to put my trust in anyone again.

@NotReallySure its tough for kids- it’s hard to know sometimes what they are thinking- I think it can be a roller coaster for them too.

Super proud of DC1 who, despite the shit show of the last year, aced her GCSEs and passed them all with good grades ❤️ 🍾

Great to hear from some of you.

@bethatgirl dating is hit and miss. There are some bloody weirdos out there but are some good ones too. As I said in my update, actually found one of the good ones but it’s not meant to be. The rejection feels worse than ex leaving tbh, but I’ve learnt more about myself and what I want (or don’t want) in the future.

@NotReallySure yes, my DC have struggled a bit. On has had a birthday so that’s been different for her this year, great to get a longer celebration (over 4 days!) but ultimately we didn’t celebrate as a family together. They’re also getting a bit of pressure to meet OW. I’ve told her “no is a complete sentence”. I was all encouraging initially but I don’t like it feeling forced. Things have been said within his family to force their hand on it (guilt tripping) and I don’t agree with that. But, that said, they’re flying at school and got good friendship circles supporting them. It’s the sassy attitude that’s hard. One thing ex and I did was be on the same page parenting wise but when you’re on your own doing it, it feels harder, like my guilt kicks in for setting rules and boundaries.

@threeandmeandthedog keep meaning to text you, sorry, mental summer. Glad you’re still doing ok. I’m with you for the fitness, exactly the same, my body is stronger than ever. I also ended up getting a place in the London Marathon (not planned at all!) so currently got a long term goal as I don’t really run! Can relate to the dating comments, my life without someone in is really good and just allowing someone in has moved my goalposts a bit (not booking things in thinking I might be doing something with them). It’s compromise but also made me realise I need to maintain my interests and life outside of a relationship, it’s important isn’t it. Just wish the breakups were easier, it’s killed me this weekend as saw he’s gone out on a big bike ride I knew he was potentially doing and he looks so happy 😞