Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

[Stayingstrongish]

Sending love to all of you, it’s a hard thing to go through and I don’t think other friends really understand till they experience it.

It’s less than a year since my divorce and my ex has already got remarried and is soon to have another baby with his new wife. Rather him than me! I worry about the impact of this on my kids though, I don’t think he has given any thought on what huge changes he is bringing to their lives.

[Lieslies]

It's a year since it ended.

I still miss him sometimes, very much, but I'm learning to separate out what I'm really missing, and 9 times out of 10 it's not him as such, but something we used to do.

I was happy to find out last month that I am not completely repelled by all men and the prospect of another relationship in future. I'm still not ready for that, but I really enjoyed a day spent volunteering with a lovely man, who has restored my faith a little.

[ThePredictableScript]

Its been a year for me in November and I am beyond over him. We still work together and are really amicable but I have zero feelings for him. I met someone else in April and hes just put the brakes on it, actually ended it couple of weeks ago and I was FLOORED. Just as bad as my marriage ended. Why do we feel like this ladies?! Wasn't expecting it tbh. So yeah, ex hubby who?? which is good but still unhappy due to a man! Think I need to be single. Love reading all your updates🥰glad that you are all ok and have all come such a long way.

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

@ThePredictableScript

Its been a year for me in November and I am beyond over him. We still work together and are really amicable but I have zero feelings for him. I met someone else in April and hes just put the brakes on it, actually ended it couple of weeks ago and I was FLOORED. Just as bad as my marriage ended. Why do we feel like this ladies?! Wasn't expecting it tbh. So yeah, ex hubby who?? which is good but still unhappy due to a man! Think I need to be single. Love reading all your updates🥰glad that you are all ok and have all come such a long way.

I know that feeling of being floored by a relationship ending @ThePredictableScript

It made me angry at my ex again. I actually can’t take it out on the guy I was seeing as he’s just too nice, and even ended things in a lovely way. So coupled with a solicitors battle that I could do without, I’ve gone back to feeling moody and angry.

I have written many draft notes to the ex and the guy I was dating but haven’t and won’t send them. It helps me download.

[Nelly10]

Nearly 12 months for me.
I’m struggling with terrible dreams, I’m usually very distressed in them or very angry. I always wake up in the night with them.

Anyone else experienced this?

[threeandmeandthedog]

Yes- me too! Horrible dreams about fighting with exH or him cheating, or having to move house: I wake up and they feel very real and upsetting. Have only been having them for a month. They have replaced the anxiety dreams I have been having for the last 25 years about failing my a levels. I never thought I’d miss those.

I suppose the plus side is a wake up relived that I am no longer with that fuckwit and it was just a dream and no longer my reality. Hopefully they will pass.

[Nelly10]

Yes it’s always linked to the cheating & lying. I feel like it’s lack of closure of it all and hoping it’s just a time thing, and it will pass.

Like you say though it’s better than being in an anxiety induced hellish marriage!

[butterflyandbees]

7 months and one day since my husband moved out, according to his friend he has been holidaying for 5 weeks. I don't miss him at all, but I do loathe that he just abandoned the marriage, giving no real reason. The book runaway husbands by Vikki Stark has helped me a lot in coming to terms and giving me some sort of closure. I am glad to have the house and don't miss the business we had together or his angry moods and shouting.

I had some counselling and they put me on to a domestic abuse support worker as I had been very controlled by him, but didn't realise any of that until I was alone and no one was being critical of me every day.
The only thing that I find difficult is that I am doing housekeeping/cleaning work and the money is limited but I have managed to keep out of debt and pay the bills and mortgage.

I had a very short rebound relationship, also crap and I am content on my own, I can't say I'm happy but the peace and quiet is worth a lot to me.

The things I regret was that I didn't save more money while I was with him, and my biggest regret is that I begged him to stay, I still dream about that as I humiliated myself.

[Lieslies]

I dreamed about him the other night, for the first time. He'd let himself into my house and I was trying to get him to leave, telling him to fuck off.

I think it's my mind telling me to really let go of him once and for all.

[ThePredictableScript]

@butterflyandbees love your update, I remember out of all of us I think you was taking it really hard, its amazing how far you have come in such a short space of time! You seem in a really good place😊
I have been on/off with the rebound, not spoke in a few days though now, I honestly cannot believe I feel like I did in the early days of my marriage ending. Its awful. It has to be the fact I'm just not happy with my life. Rather than build it up post separation, I went on a diet, smashed it, got to 8 stones 10 but didn't do much, then met the rebound and he became my life when kids were at dads. It just seems never ending the kicking of life over the past year ahhh. Need to give me head a wobble.

[bethatgirl]

Ahh, so lovely to hear from you Butterflies. I've always wondered how you've been getting on. You are amazing.

It's lovely to hear that a few of you have had rebound relationships, although not nice if they haven't worked out well.

I've been trying to move house the last couple of months. I just want a fresh start. I don't have to move, but I want my own place with my kids that has no memories.

I plan on enjoying being free and single until next year as I'll regret it if I don't haha! I feel loads better but there's always the odd time I feel really low about something.

We've got this! X

[Nelly10]

Feeling mega low today. The financial strain is really having an affect now. My divorce is really just nothing happening with it. I feel trapped in my old life still. I’ve really tried to stay positive. I’ve done pretty much everything I can think of I can do to get myself through this process but I really feel like I’m caving in now.
I just keep thinking of all the people that have been involved in the breakdown of my whole life and they’re all just fine and getting on with there’s, I honestly not done a anything to anyone in my life and my life’s been utterly destroyed.

[threeandmeandthedog]

Nelly- sorry you are having such a shit day. It’s like a bit of a half life waiting for divorce- one foot is stuck in the past and keeping you there so you can’t move on.
How far are you in the divorce process? Is there an end date in sight?

On days and weeks like this, the only thing that really helps is trying my best to put one foot in fro t of the other. And if I can’t- I just accept I can’t. It’s ok to feel sad and angry and frustrated at the unfairness and crap mess of the situation. Sometimes you just have to sit with it- cry, rage, go to bed. It passes. It’s exhausting. The limbo, the worry about finances, the awfully slow pace of it all and trying to process wtf has happened to your life.

Just hold onto the knowledge that there will be better moments, days, weeks and years. All you need to do now is hang on. Call a pal, take to the sofa, accept the low day, it will end xx

[Nelly10]

Thank you for the kind words.

No end in sight regarding finances or anything I’ve tried to get this moving today

I just feel like my resolve is just totally going, I thought by this point I would have started to see some flickers of moving on. It’s just a long, difficult and arduous process which I’ve been put into through no fault of my own and I know there are hundreds more like me on here.

It just gets very lonely and isolating trying to deal with it.

I will just get through today, hopefully I will be more lifted tomorrow.

Thank you again.

[offtherecord]

how odd, what you have written here is entirely my life, i never asked him back either i would not do that and after seeing what he has gone for, i feel for her, she knows absolutely nothing of what he is YET.

He wont let go either, he is following the exact same pattern he did with me, i ignored the red flags, there were some early on too. why are these people always the same, follow the same path, she thinks he is perfect, just like i did, she thinks it is all me, none of it was or is. how come you see them as clear as day when your out of it. severly manipulative, entitled, gaslights, aggressive, very controlling only realising now just how much of a control freak he is, i feel nothing for him. i feel pitty if anything, it is a shame for them really, they cannot help themselves must be terrible to have to have control of another person to feel good.
she wont see any of it for years to come, i worry for her, the smear campaign too , i let them think its true now, after all he is a master manipulator, sad really, im free though he will always be him.

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

How’s everyone doing?

Struggling a bit this weekend.

Was about to start a new thread but thought I would add on here instead.

Theres talk about Xmas now. I had dc last year on Xmas eve and the they went to STBEH for a couple of hours and back to me. So, only fair the opposite happens but it’s just bothering me. It’s the plans DC are telling me about, his family up, where they’re eating, who’s cooking what etc. it’s just sad. I haven’t got a huge family and so will be on my own (potentially) and it just hits hard 😔

I keep getting flashbacks and visions of STBEH and his whorebag (new nickname). I had to miss something at school so that didn’t bump into them, which pissed me off. I know they’re going away as a couple next weekend (DC have told me) and again, it just hurts. The whole speech of “I can be happy single” was always bullshit and I knew that, but it’s nearing 1 year since he left and I found out about the affair afterwards, so they’ve been together a year and fucking off into the sunset. Twat.

I’m also still torn up about my lovely guy I met in the summer. He was so perfect and he ended it as he’s got his own shit to work on (which I totally respect) but I miss him, a lot. We connected so deeply and he’s not in my life (bar the odd text to see how each other are, and even they’re lovely ones) and it makes me feel so alone.

Still got a huge friendship circle around me and everyone thinks I’m doing ok, but it just hits you doesn’t it - you can have brilliant days and then bam, a shit one/two/three and takes you right back.

Might take tomorrow off work the way I’m feeling

Any words of wisdom. Is the 1 year anniversary from splitting a driver in all of this?

[Lieslies]

Reach out to people now about Christmas - family and friends - and let them know you have no plans yet. I bet you get an invite or two. I'm going to a friend's this year and I wish I'd spoken up earlier last year, when I nearly ended up on my own and felt very upset about it. People assume you're sorted if you don't say anything.

I know it's difficult when you have young children, but if you want to be happy you have to take the responsibility for making your life into the shape you want as a single woman. It's about accepting the life plan you had has gone, and putting a new plan in place.

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

@Lieslies thanks for responding with such lovely words of wisdom. I have had a couple of offers too, but it feels wrong somehow, encroaching on other families on Xmas day. I know it’s a genuine offer but I need to think about it. Might have a look at something voluntary to do.

I think I’m finally admitting I have a fear of the future life. I’ve got lots going on with work, hobbies and filling my time, and when I’m on my own, I have the fear. And it’s like DC hold me back as I have to stay in this area for them, when really my dream would be to move to seaside or the city and get out of this place where they are now together.

have been a bit promiscuous of late too and that’s landed me in trouble health wise so need to give myself a slap too!

[Lieslies]

I know what you mean about feeling like you ate gatecrashing another family's Christmas. But if they are genuine offers - accept one. I've found people love having someone different around to shake things up a bit.

I also fear my future. Retirement is going to be fairly shit financially, not much I can do about that, but I can't let that ruin the here and now.

[Lieslies]

Oh, and my OW is now thought of as SlaggyMcSlagFace, which takes away a lot of the anger which only hurt myself, and makes her a figure of fun I can laugh at, because quite honestly she's the fool.

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

Yeah I think you’re right. My one friend came to mine last year with her kids and that was lovely, but I had my dc with me; we may do that again but I won’t have dc. I need to check what she’s doing.

love that nickname, I’m stealing it 🤣🤣

[Nelly10]

I’m a year too. My stexh has been with OW around 2 years now, at least a year whilst married then since we split although he still denies it. I don’t actually care about him or them tbh.
Xmas was a non negotiable for me kids are with me main days again they actually asked if they could stay at home plus it’s the family home we have traditions etc. Then with him Boxing Day onwards.
Sorry op, have you cut off totally SM etc? Kids don’t tell me much about any plans and I don’t ask, it helps hugely if you totally separate your life from his/kids when he’s with them.
I think it’s probably been much easier for me as I hadn’t loved him for a good while. I think if you still have feelings it will be a lot more difficult, time is a great healer as they say x

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

Thanks @Nelly10
We’re 50/50 with kids so it wouldn’t be fair in my mind to deny him Dc and his family are up this year so Dc want to spend time with them, which of course pains me, but it’s nice they’re making the choice. Dd was a bit worried I’d be on my own but I’ve played it down and said I’ve got plans etc as don’t want her to feel guilty.

don’t know what you mean by SM?

I think I realised today I need to stop being told and/or ask about the future plans. I don’t need to know and that’s what’s causing me anxiety (tbf it was nice Dc told me they’d been to see a house and they liked it). It was just a stab in the heart for me. I come back to them having this whole other life I’m not in for half the week.

I don’t have any loving feelings for STBEH, just anger and hatred of him. He doesn’t realise how much he hurt me, and he’s moved on and happy and I’m still navigating the mess of being single.

[Nelly10]

Social media? I don’t have anyone associated with him so I don’t see anything.

Yeah I would just start not asking the DCs about anything I only ever respond if they want to tell me something/mention something.

It’s extremely tough being the single mum but just because he’s in another relationship doesn’t mean it’s all rosy don’t think it is.

You will get there, get some plans for Xmas in. It’s literally a day/2 days then it’s onto the next thing.

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

Sorry @Nelly10 head up my arse, of course it’s social media 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m not associated with him or his friends on there (he’s not on much anyway) so it is only what dc tell me and they’re quite open and stuff.

In my head, it’s all rosy and he’s giving her exactly what I asked for for years. It is what it is and I don’t want him back, I just want him to be miserable - gosh I sound such a bitch!