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Original poster

He’s asked for a test ???

219 replies

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 19:28

We broke up in pregnancy and as I’m approaching my due date, I have been in touch to ask about arrangements and finance/if he wants involvement. We are not married.

On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards. Do you think this is his way of getting me to do paternity and he has no intention of engaging further? It’s so insulting as there’s absolutely no way he’s not the father and he is a paranoid type but this seems extreme. I’m sad.

OP posts:
theonlygirl · 26/08/2022 19:31

I think anyone is entitled to know that a child is definitely theres. you shouldn't take it as an insult, even if you are certain it's his. Just get the test and proceed from there. Good luck with everything.

Marinamountainzoo · 26/08/2022 19:31

I'm sure others would have a different opinion, but in your shoes I wouldn't do the test and cut all ties with thus fuckwit.

Otherwise you will be playing these stupid games with him coming in and out your DC life when it suits him on his terms for the rest of your child's life.

Rtmhwales · 26/08/2022 19:34

I offered XH a test even though we both knew it was definitely his baby and he'd been paying maintenance willingly for seven months at that point. I wasn't insulted or offended. Men have no guarantee it's their baby until a test.

Str8talker · 26/08/2022 19:34

I realise it's difficult right now to put yourself in his position, but he's just protecting himself. His request won't have any affect on you at all.

thenightsky · 26/08/2022 19:37

theonlygirl · 26/08/2022 19:31

I think anyone is entitled to know that a child is definitely theres. you shouldn't take it as an insult, even if you are certain it's his. Just get the test and proceed from there. Good luck with everything.

Yes, this. I might be a bit insulted that he was thinking I'd lied, but I'd have a test and go through CMS.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/08/2022 19:37

He sounds like a twat but if he wants to pay for the test let him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Marotte · 26/08/2022 19:38

I don't think he can insist you put his name on the birth certificate (I wouldn't, in your case). It may not be unreasonable for him to ask for paternity confirmation before coughing up the maintenance for 18 years, and when he finds out he is indeed the father, then cough up he must unless you decide not to pursue it and he doesn't legally assert his rights and responsibilities. Sounds a charming man. Get legal advice.

FlyingSaucerss · 26/08/2022 19:38

I think it’s sensible for men to get dna tests if not with the mother, I know I would want one

MadeForThis · 26/08/2022 19:39

Yes to the test.
No to the birth certificate

RandomMess · 26/08/2022 19:40

If you had to pay for 18 years of maintenance and wanted to build a relationship with a child wouldn't you want to be 100% sure it was yours?

I say this as someone that had to go through it and I understand that it hurts but I also understand that he wanted to be sure!

Hotandbothereds · 26/08/2022 19:41

I’d go ahead with the test on the basis you know 100% the baby is his and it means he’s offered maintenance, which gives you support - it’s in the best financial interests of your child that he provides for them.

eatyourcrustspls · 26/08/2022 19:41

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate

IWasFunBeforeMum · 26/08/2022 19:41

Don't put his name on the birth certificate if he's a total loser.

Derrymum123 · 26/08/2022 19:42

Let him do the test, definitely not on the birth certificate.

Bollindger · 26/08/2022 19:45

Tell him you agree, he can have his I TOLD YOU SO document with pleasure, and that your going to FRAME it..
You have not cheated so enjoy the fact it will cost him a lit of money...

HotDogKetchup · 26/08/2022 19:47

His solicitor might have suggested it before he makes himself responsible for the baby.

it’s a bit shitty but I would just presume it was a box ticking exercise rather than a moral judgement.

McHot · 26/08/2022 19:48

100% do the test and I've never understood women who want to rewrite history by not putting a child's father on their birth certificate, in fact I think it's morally wrong not to. The certificate belongs ultimately to the child and they should know who their mother and father are, for better or worse.

PeekAtYou · 26/08/2022 19:48

I would consent to the test as he's paying the whole cost.

With the birth certificate, it's easy to be added to a birth certificate but when you register a baby and you're unmarried, you'd have to attend with him. Do you get along well enough to attend the appointment ? Is he likely to veto your name choice (especially your surname?) If he's a dick at the appointment will you be able to resist attempts by him to name the baby what he wants ?

ProbablyPossiblyPerhaps · 26/08/2022 19:53

I can see that it's insulting but I do think that you should do the test - it puts you in a stronger position because you have objective proof it's his child even if he gaslights and tries telling mutual acquaintances it probably isn't, to justify not paying maintenance and look like the victim.

Doing the test doesn't mean that you have to do anything else he "instructs" you to, especially not put him on the birth certificate or give him any sole charge of the newborn.

Do everything by the book very dispassionately and objectively and only communicate in writing with everything traceable, if you think he's game playing or planning to mess you and your child about.

It doesn't matter what he knows or you know because he can say anything unless you keep everything factual, official, provable and with a paper trail (save emails, screen shot instant messages, keep solicitors letters).

Farahilda · 26/08/2022 19:53

Being on the birth certificate confers parental responsibility - it's more than just a statement of paternity.

It's not about rewriting history, it's about deciding the best legal framework going forward.

teaandtantrums · 26/08/2022 19:53

Try not to be sad, my ex husband and I broke up when I was pregnant and I remember how sad and devastated I felt. I would do the test given that you know 100% that your baby is his anyway that way he’ll be obligated to pay his share which I assume you want/need him to do as that’s why you contacted him again.
I don’t see what difference it would make not to have his name on the birth certificate and it may upset your child in the future if there is no named father on their birth certificate.
Try to rise above it and be the bigger person for the sake of your baby.
Goodluck with everything. I had my mum and sister at my DS’s birth it was actually pretty special. Xx

McHot · 26/08/2022 19:55

@Farahilda I disagree strongly that a child knowing who their parents are is less important than some perceived 'legal framework'. A birth certificate goes through life with that person (usually) it is not for the mum , or dad, to pull legal stunts with.

Melroses · 26/08/2022 19:57

If he is doing this with a solicitor's letter, I would get my own legal advice before I responded.

girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 19:58

He's sensible to ask for a paternity test.

Kerrrmieee · 26/08/2022 19:59

Get the test done.

Register baby with your surname.

If baby is his, add him on at a later date.

Offer visits, and as he has a bugged up scary solicitor - he will know that early weeks and months that visits are with you. After a lot of mediation maybe he can take baby out for a few hours but Def not overnight.

He's proving himself to be a bullying arsehole already, so I wouldn't worry too much.

Easier said than done.

So 1) get test done

  1. register baby with your surname without him ( it can be amended later if he shows willing)

  2. some men are controlling twats

  3. don't stress and look after yourself