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Original poster

He’s asked for a test ???

219 replies

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 19:28

We broke up in pregnancy and as I’m approaching my due date, I have been in touch to ask about arrangements and finance/if he wants involvement. We are not married.

On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards. Do you think this is his way of getting me to do paternity and he has no intention of engaging further? It’s so insulting as there’s absolutely no way he’s not the father and he is a paranoid type but this seems extreme. I’m sad.

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 27/08/2022 20:54

The paternity test is his paranoia in play but he doesn’t have a choice about support even if ( as you should DEFINITELY not) you don’t put him on the birth certificate. Parental responsibility has no correlation with Child Maintenance so the paternity test may work in your favour.
in case I’m unclear: Do NOT put him on the birth certificate.

girlmom21 · 27/08/2022 20:54

Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 20:52

@girlmom21 because he firstly accused me of tampering with contraception and then later accused me of cheating on him. There’s been lots of accusations and I feel every time I hear from him it’s just something else

Because he's in denial. So the logical thing to do is prove it to him and you can move forward cordially.

MrsWooster · 27/08/2022 20:55

Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 20:47

@girlmom21 he will find that out with cms though as they will force a paternity test if he doesn’t comply

Fair point. Still don’t put him on the bc though.

Farahilda · 27/08/2022 20:55

It's not a harsh thing. It's a perfectly normal legal arrangement

And as PR cannot normally be removed, it's risky to assume that an ex would be a good co-parent. If you get it wrong, you're shafted. If you wait, it's easy to add later. PR is a big deal.

Neither contact nor maintenance are dependent on PR

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 20:57

PR?

OP posts:
38daystogo · 27/08/2022 21:02

@Farahilda your jumping the gun here. I didn't say it was illegal I'm saying it's morally wrong. Do you co parent yourself?

This is a poor attitude to hold. If OP wants to pull all the strings..Good luck to her motherhood is rewarding but as a single mother it's quite challenging at times also.

I never assumed nothing. The man is willingly spending his own money so let him spend away.. why is it skin off OPS nose??

I'm not familiar with DNA test but OPS excuse about doing it in her own home sounds like a shit excuse tbh!!

Farahilda · 27/08/2022 21:03

PR = Parental Responsibility, which has been mentioned many times on thread. It is legally defined, and all those with PR have equal say in the eyes of the law about things like schooling, religion, where the DC lives (whether one parent can move child away from the other) overseas travel, healthcare and vaccinations - essentially all the big decisions on childrearing

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities

38daystogo · 27/08/2022 21:04

Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 20:57

PR?

Parental responsibility.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 21:04

@38daystogo what do you mean my excuse about doing it in my own home? Xx

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 27/08/2022 21:12

Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 20:57

PR?

PR = parental responsibility.

OP I suggest you get proper legal advice from a Family Solicitor specifically about not putting his name on the birth certificate if he sorts it out himself to get his name on it.

He can't be put on the birth certificate if he doesn't come with you to register the birth as you aren't married. As you two don't get on then he can't come with you as you clearly don't feel safe with him around. Therefore he has to sort it out later anyway.

You also don't need to tell him the baby has been born until you have got out of hospital as until the baby is born they don't exist as an individual.

The fact your ex-partner has bothered to engage a solicitor means if the child is proven to be his he will have no issues in taking you to Family Court to get his name on your child's birth certificate. A court will expect you to agree to put your ex-partner on the birth certificate if he is proven to be the father - if you don't they can Order it - and they may even make you double barrel your child's last name. Your ex-partner may also get a Child Arrangements Order as well due to you being "difficult" which you have to obey but he doesn't.

Farahilda · 27/08/2022 21:14

38daystogo · 27/08/2022 21:02

@Farahilda your jumping the gun here. I didn't say it was illegal I'm saying it's morally wrong. Do you co parent yourself?

This is a poor attitude to hold. If OP wants to pull all the strings..Good luck to her motherhood is rewarding but as a single mother it's quite challenging at times also.

I never assumed nothing. The man is willingly spending his own money so let him spend away.. why is it skin off OPS nose??

I'm not familiar with DNA test but OPS excuse about doing it in her own home sounds like a shit excuse tbh!!

I didn't mean to imply you thought it was illegal, rather that it's not harsh.

It's very normal (and a frequent legal arrangemebt)

Once conferred, PR is rarely ever removed - even from abusive incarcerated men. Now, not saying this man is remotely like that. But he's an ex. And OP needs to think carefully before giving him the right to equal say in making key decisions about the child. She might for example want to move house to a different part of the country (for family or career reasons) He could prevent that for the next 18 years. He could take her to court t decide the DC's religious observances. He could fail to return the chid after contact, and OP would have to go to court to see if she could get an order for return - not automatic as he is equal parent and child won't be returned until she secures an order.

If PR could be removed, then yes I'd probably have a different view. But as it can't, then I think it's worth pointing out what that means with a difficult ex.

PR and contact aren't related. A father without PR can still be fully involved. So I don't think it's morally wrong to co-parent without PR

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 21:15

@RedWingBoots pleas can you explain what that order is? Why would only I have to comply? Thank you

OP posts:
user1484512193 · 27/08/2022 21:18

Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 00:19

@user1484512193 we were in a relationship and living together. It’s made me very suspicious as to why he wants to do a home test but hopefully he’s being sincere.

and no, I don’t want an alcoholic as a partner

Don't blame you... didn't see that bit...

38daystogo · 27/08/2022 21:22

@Farahilda I don't know weather OP too has money for a lawyer but if the man is casually spending at this stage there's nothing to stop him taking OP to court and gaining a legally binding child arrangement order himself?

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/08/2022 21:29

I think you should do the test and let him get on with doing his.
I might be offended but my logical side could see it's just providing him with proof and then move forward with getting him to do what he should as a father and provider for his child.

Test or no test he can wriggle out of paying if he wants to, we are rubbish at making loser fathers pay for their children.

If he thought you were cheating it's just confirms it for him that he's the father.

Every child had a right to know who both its parents are, so it's good to see you want him on the Birth certificate either way.

It may be hard to see his motives, but as far as the test I would just get it done and let him do his. Go from there,

38daystogo · 27/08/2022 21:32

RedWingBoots · 27/08/2022 21:12

PR = parental responsibility.

OP I suggest you get proper legal advice from a Family Solicitor specifically about not putting his name on the birth certificate if he sorts it out himself to get his name on it.

He can't be put on the birth certificate if he doesn't come with you to register the birth as you aren't married. As you two don't get on then he can't come with you as you clearly don't feel safe with him around. Therefore he has to sort it out later anyway.

You also don't need to tell him the baby has been born until you have got out of hospital as until the baby is born they don't exist as an individual.

The fact your ex-partner has bothered to engage a solicitor means if the child is proven to be his he will have no issues in taking you to Family Court to get his name on your child's birth certificate. A court will expect you to agree to put your ex-partner on the birth certificate if he is proven to be the father - if you don't they can Order it - and they may even make you double barrel your child's last name. Your ex-partner may also get a Child Arrangements Order as well due to you being "difficult" which you have to obey but he doesn't.

Show quote history

Well put. Very informative for OP. Court is stressful and expensive. Once you start dragging your business to the Courts it won't be necessarily in your hands... and like this poster has stated.... if this is how it goes I'm afraid it will look very very badly on you.
Once courts are involved neither party is expected to be non compliant. Other wise nothing would get solved in a court.

Stravaig · 27/08/2022 21:43

Honestly, OP, consult a solicitor. They will walk you through the customary steps in agreeing financial and care arrangements, and you will have the security of knowing someone is looking out for your interests, legally.

Ex has sensibly gone to a solicitor to formalise stepping up as a father. Solicitor has said, First, we establish paternity. To do this, you need to be notified of the birth. Everything else flows from there, in clear logical steps.

You say he accused you of tampering with contraception, or cheating on him? My first question is - Well, did you? Getting bogged down in the backstory does not help your baby.

It sounds like this is not a mutually agreed and planned child. It is a complicated choice to continue a pregnancy against the wishes of the other parent. Steadfast support of a woman's right to choose must also acknowledge that it can mean forcing parenthood on the other parent, removing their choice. It will take them time to adjust. Understandably.

You both sound extremely suspicious and distrustful of each other, so proceeding via solicitors and testing and cold hard facts is actually a good thing. It might give you both some solid ground to build your co-parenting on.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 21:46

It’s definitely his. I’m not concerned about that. I’m just sick of his silences then his sudden accusations and at this point I think he should actually explain his intentions broadly then I will do the test.

OP posts:
Thornethorn · 27/08/2022 21:58

How insulting. The way he's going about it seems obnoxious and hard work. But ultimately it's not an unreasonable request in itself. Some people don't want to have the name on the birth certificate and drag their heels a bit, often for valid reasons, but if you're sure your want him involved from the off then this is the way to do it

Stravaig · 27/08/2022 23:02

Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 21:46

It’s definitely his. I’m not concerned about that. I’m just sick of his silences then his sudden accusations and at this point I think he should actually explain his intentions broadly then I will do the test.

I don't see how he could be any clearer about his intentions. He intends to establish paternity; be put on the birth certificate; and then discuss care and finance arrangements. He has spelled it out via solicitors letter!

There is no point in discussing anything until paternity has been established. It is the first and necessary step.

Dullardmullard · 27/08/2022 23:18

He was the one to do the test at home not op which I wouldn’t agree too.

he’ll have to wait till baby is born for the test anyway.

so you’ve had silence and accusations now this. I’d also would want to know what’s going on.

id be inclined to say or write to his solicitor I’ll be in touch once baby is here for the tests at the drs supervised and with ID and leave it at that.

Shelby2010 · 28/08/2022 07:02

For example, if the court agrees he should have the child every other weekend, then you have to make the child available but the court can’t force him to turn up to take the child.

If he is on the birth certificate & has PR, then at any contact he could take the child & refuse to return it. The police couldn’t make him because he has as much legal right as you do. You will need legal advice to establish yourself as the primary residence.

Also, if you think you may want to move nearer family support - do it before the baby is born as he could prevent you taking the child out of the area once it is here.

Shelby2010 · 28/08/2022 07:10

Stravaig · 27/08/2022 23:02

I don't see how he could be any clearer about his intentions. He intends to establish paternity; be put on the birth certificate; and then discuss care and finance arrangements. He has spelled it out via solicitors letter!

There is no point in discussing anything until paternity has been established. It is the first and necessary step.

Show quote history

As the OP knows it’s his child - and he does too really then the outcome of the test is a forgone conclusion. He might want that on paper, but what the OP wants to know if he’s going to be a supportive co-parent, paying a decent amount of support and having reliable contact. Or is he going to be a complete arse, give up his job or become self-employed to hide his money. Or is he going to demand 50% residency and be taking her to court every 5 mins.

Mumspair1 · 28/08/2022 07:23

In the UK, do mother's have the choice about whether to put the father ok the BC even if they know who it is?

category12 · 28/08/2022 07:58

Mumspair1 · 28/08/2022 07:23

In the UK, do mother's have the choice about whether to put the father ok the BC even if they know who it is?

If you're unmarried, you can only put the father's name if he gives written agreement or attends the registration of the birth with you. So you can include him or not - and equally he can choose not to co-operate.

Otherwise what's to stop anyone writing Bob Monkhouse, or Harry Styles, or Ivor Biggun.