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Original poster

He’s asked for a test ???

219 replies

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 19:28

We broke up in pregnancy and as I’m approaching my due date, I have been in touch to ask about arrangements and finance/if he wants involvement. We are not married.

On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards. Do you think this is his way of getting me to do paternity and he has no intention of engaging further? It’s so insulting as there’s absolutely no way he’s not the father and he is a paranoid type but this seems extreme. I’m sad.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 27/08/2022 11:32

@Isaidnoalready

Why not. E.g women do die in childbirth. Imagine a father refusing to put the mother's name on the birth cert cos he's already shacked up with someone else.

That is the same level of atrocity as a mother vetoing a fathers name.

vroom321 · 27/08/2022 11:45

The child may never know who their father is. It doesn't mean they will have a relationship but surely they should be able to find out when old enough?

category12 · 27/08/2022 12:31

Why would not including the guy on the BC mean the child never knows who their father is?! Bizarre.

It's a massive jump from not automatically giving him PR by having him on the BC and keeping his identity entirely unknown from the child. How do most people know who their fathers are? It's not from reading their BC.

AhNowTed · 27/08/2022 12:44

category12 · 27/08/2022 12:31

Why would not including the guy on the BC mean the child never knows who their father is?! Bizarre.

It's a massive jump from not automatically giving him PR by having him on the BC and keeping his identity entirely unknown from the child. How do most people know who their fathers are? It's not from reading their BC.

It should not be within her gift to "give" him parental rights.

The child has 2 parents whether you like it or not.

And if it's no big deal to you leaving his name off, what's the big dealing putting it on.

category12 · 27/08/2022 13:01

The big deal is that PR is a big deal 😃and he could be a disengaged parent yet still put spokes in the wheels of decisions OP wants to make.

But anyway I haven't been arguing that she shouldn't put him on, (especially if he's willing to go to the lengths of sending solicitors letters already.) I've said she should go along with it to avoid an unnecessary fight.

As they're not married, she needs him to attend registration or give her documentation in order to add him, she can't just put him as if it's down to her alone.

Lachimolala · 27/08/2022 13:29

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 23:30

The birth certificate had never bothered me. I would be more upset if he’s not on it. I just want the child to be ok.

This is incredibly stupid decision. It’s not just a piece of paper to say who mum and dad are, it’s a document which ensures he has dozens of rights he didn’t have before.

You’ve told us that’s he’s a selfish alcoholic that you already distrust and suspect of hiding money that could be used to raise your child, and you want to give this person parental responsibility?

I put my ex (also an untrustworthy alcoholic and abusive to boot) on my eldests BC and I’ve lived to regret it ever since. He has no contact with our son, pays no maintenance etc. But he absolutely relishes in making my life as difficult as possible using his parental responsibility to do so. It’s my biggest regret.

The best advice you could take on board is to give the baby your surname and leave your ex off the BC for now. If he proves himself he can be added at a later date very easily.

ImAvingOops · 27/08/2022 14:35

That is the same level of atrocity as a mother vetoing a fathers name
I don't think you really understand the meaning of the word 'atrocity'!

Mothers who are not in relationships with their baby's father, invariably get left to do all the hard graft of parenting and no single mother should make life harder for herself by giving away her autonomy in making key life decisions, to a man who hasn't yet proven himself as in it for the long haul.
A woman who has gone through pg and birth has more right to name her baby than a man, who at this point has done nothing more than deposit done sperm. Babies should be given their mothers last names by default.

vroom321 · 27/08/2022 15:05

category12 · 27/08/2022 12:31

Why would not including the guy on the BC mean the child never knows who their father is?! Bizarre.

It's a massive jump from not automatically giving him PR by having him on the BC and keeping his identity entirely unknown from the child. How do most people know who their fathers are? It's not from reading their BC.

How is it bizarre? If the mum doesn't want the dad involved and hasn't told the child who their father is. They may never find out if the dad isn't named on the BC.

I'm not on about the OP just in general.

poetryandwine · 27/08/2022 15:09

OP,

I’m very glad you have decided that the DNA test needs to be in a controlled environment, and less glad that you seem unbothered by the question of PR.

No one here can have a definitive answer for you. You need proper advice, and instead of responding to the solicitor yourself, you need an equal authority to your ex’s in your corner. Please consult one as soon as possible.

And def give the child your name. No matter what.

meditrina · 27/08/2022 15:13

That is the same level of atrocity as a mother vetoing a fathers name

The centuries old tradition in the UK is for babies to be given their mother's name. If married, that could match the father's.

The DC of unmarried parents having the father's name is very new (started about 40 years ago) and doesn't seem to have brought any particular benefits - indeed arguably the opposite as not all like having separate names especially if the father has fucked off. You cannot change the name of a child without consent of all those with PR, so even when the father is absent and totally dysfunctional, you can be stuck.

It would of course be wrong to withhold information about the father in nearly all circumstances. But that doesn't mean that it's either right or necessary to put him on the birth certificate - a legal document which confers PR

38daystogo · 27/08/2022 15:30

eatyourcrustspls · 26/08/2022 19:41

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate

I think this is bang out of line. The birth certificate is for the child's sake.

Pull your big girl pants up now these games are petti but to be fair if he's paying and we don't know if he has good reason to doubt he is the dad... just agree. If you would like to co parent and you need to get to work unfortunately this is how it goes! You have a long way to go ... its draining when 2 people can't be amicable.

Takeitonthechin · 27/08/2022 15:33

I'd seek a solicitors advice, then he knows he cannot walk all over you

Farahilda · 27/08/2022 15:35

The birth certificate is for the child's sake

Not really. It's the official record that confers PR. It's not a statement of actual parentage, it's a record of who has legal responsibility for the child.

Shelby2010 · 27/08/2022 17:11

How long does it take for the DNA results to come back? It might be that you need to register the birth before he has his confirmation anyway.

I think you need to think about what you want eg

  1. Your choice of name & your surname - don’t let him bully you on this.
  2. Child support - ask him (or his solicitor) what he is intending to pay, will he contribute to nursery feee in the future. If he’s likely to mess you around then apply for child maintenance as soon as the baby is born.
  3. Think about what you want contact to look like in the future, so for the first year, for a toddler & when they are at school. Avoid getting set in a pattern that won’t suit you down the line (eg him having the child every weekend - fine when you’re on mat leave, not good when child is at school).
Good luck!
ProbablyPossiblyPerhaps · 27/08/2022 19:10

There seems to have been some kind of fathers for justice type invasion of this thread!

A birth certificate doesn't tell a child who their father is - in the end its a legal document and the man named could very easily not be the father as no proof is required.

Naming a father on the birth certificate gives that man power to disrupt the child's life, when that man isn't a normal fully involved father.

Naming him doesn't tell or give the child anything except that he and the mother agreed to put his name on the certificate. It absolutely doesn't tell the child for certain who their biological father is, nor does it guarantee the child a relationship nor financial support.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 19:15

the letter says he is going to talk about arrangements after a test. Do you think it’s fair for me to say first I want these proposals set out in brief form so I have some semblance of assurance that he is entering into this in good faith?

OP posts:
ProbablyPossiblyPerhaps · 27/08/2022 19:20

Blanketyi you've nothing to lose and more to gain (in terms of paternity being a mater that's factually proved) by doing the test as long as you clearly stipulate it's to be done under medical supervision with ID (no DIY home tests).

Communicate through a solicitor too and say only that - that of course you are prepared to confirm his paternity via a medically supervised test, not a home test at his cost.

Leave it at that and wait for his next move.

ProbablyPossiblyPerhaps · 27/08/2022 19:20

*matter

girlmom21 · 27/08/2022 20:42

Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 19:15

the letter says he is going to talk about arrangements after a test. Do you think it’s fair for me to say first I want these proposals set out in brief form so I have some semblance of assurance that he is entering into this in good faith?

No. There's no point him wasting his time if the baby isn't his.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 20:47

@girlmom21 he will find that out with cms though as they will force a paternity test if he doesn’t comply

OP posts:
Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 20:48

@girlmom21 as he’s not spoken to me and now suddenly demanding this I want to know he’s actually doing this in good faith

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/08/2022 20:49

How can he not be doing it in good faith?
If I was a man I'd want to know if a baby was mine before I invested any time mentally or emotionally.

38daystogo · 27/08/2022 20:50

Farahilda · 27/08/2022 15:35

The birth certificate is for the child's sake

Not really. It's the official record that confers PR. It's not a statement of actual parentage, it's a record of who has legal responsibility for the child.

Do you and OP definitely know that this man won't parent though before suggesting such a harsh thing? How can you be certain.

I'm aware the father can be added to the BC at a later date.... but the original copy will still be held on record.

I think it's below the belt to advise OP this given she has not stated he is some sort of dangerous man. I think it's very childish also perhaps he will parent or perhaps not.... its still wrong though!

Why is the man paying and going through a lawyer if he has no interest at all?

38daystogo · 27/08/2022 20:51

Oh and I forgot to add the BC is given to your adult child! Usually it's quite an essential document.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 20:52

@girlmom21 because he firstly accused me of tampering with contraception and then later accused me of cheating on him. There’s been lots of accusations and I feel every time I hear from him it’s just something else

OP posts: