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Original poster

He’s asked for a test ???

219 replies

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 19:28

We broke up in pregnancy and as I’m approaching my due date, I have been in touch to ask about arrangements and finance/if he wants involvement. We are not married.

On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards. Do you think this is his way of getting me to do paternity and he has no intention of engaging further? It’s so insulting as there’s absolutely no way he’s not the father and he is a paranoid type but this seems extreme. I’m sad.

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 27/08/2022 00:05

Father isn’t written unknown it’s left blank just saying.

OldFan · 27/08/2022 00:06

no thought is given for the poor child having to grow up with 'Father Unknown' on their Birth Certificate!

@ThePumpkinPatch I don't think most people saying a bellend shouldn't be on the birth certificate are saying the child shouldn't be told who their father is. It's just so the child's childhood isn't impacted by the decisions of a potentially abusive/controlling, absent guy, and women are able to bring up the children they care for as they see fit as people who truly care about them and know their needs.

I'm sure someone when they reach their late teens and have any need for independent use of their birth certificate would understand why the mum didn't include the father who left them.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 00:08

@audeloquipalam what do you mean a broader tactic? Sorry, your responses are helpful just trying to understand

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/08/2022 00:10

I get the 'father unkown' stigma on the certificate. But if when the child is old enough to understand, you give a full explanation, I don't think it would become a huge deal for them.

FlyingSaucerss · 27/08/2022 00:17

Father use to be unknown, isn’t anymore just crossed out

user1484512193 · 27/08/2022 00:18

Seems to me like you're more upset he doesn't want anything to do with you... but he wants to see if the baby is his and do his part. I think he's being very responsible.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 27/08/2022 00:19

@user1484512193 we were in a relationship and living together. It’s made me very suspicious as to why he wants to do a home test but hopefully he’s being sincere.

and no, I don’t want an alcoholic as a partner

OP posts:
Stravaig · 27/08/2022 00:24

On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards.

Sounds like OP's ex is going to be a responsible and involved father to his child. Not sure why people are rushing in with stories of deadbeat dads and abandoned children; they're not relevant here.

OP later describes Ex as a "career obsessed selfish alcoholic" - but as OP had unprotected sex, got pregnant, and didn't terminate the pregnancy with said "career obsessed selfish alcoholic" her own judgement is open to question. (Sorry, OP).

Let's give both parents a chance to step up and do their best for their shared child. If that seems insupportable, there is always adoption.

larkstar · 27/08/2022 00:37

@Blanketyi Do you have any real idea how he feels about being a father - is that something he ever discussed - something he wanted at some point? Might you see a positive side of him if he's sincere about wanting to at least not hide from his status - if not his role - as a father? Does he admit to being an alcoholic and a workaholic as you have put it? Does he see that and have any ideas about changing? You seem quite suspicious of his motives - maybe you still need to talk about this - I would have thought he's realised it's a serious situation, one he;s not familiar with or equipped to deal with so he's sough advice and his solicitor has quite logically asked the question - "Are you the father? How do you know?" and that's what's triggered the request for a test - it's all straight forward common sense isn't it? Does he want conflict over this? Do you? Might it be possible to work it out as adults? You explain - you know the situation better than any of us!

GinIronic · 27/08/2022 00:39

Now is your chance to say no to the test and cut him out of your life. You and your baby will be much happier. Don’t ask him for support or money. Stay independent and don’t rely on him - ever.

fuckblippi · 27/08/2022 03:53

How will your child be ok with an alcoholic? I think you're being very naive about the problems this guy is going to give you for the next 18 years.

If it were me I'd ignore the letter and move far away from him, before you put him on the birth certificate and can't ever get away.

Coyoacan · 27/08/2022 05:13

My ex isn't on my dd's birth certificate, but she knows him and all his side of the family and totally agrees with my decision not to put him on her birth certificate.

RudsyFarmer · 27/08/2022 05:17

Sounds like a formality to me. He’s entering into a legal, ongoing financial arrangement and wants confirmation the child is his. Sensible. Reading between the lines I’d get prepared for him wanting to avoid maintenance by a shared 50/50 set up.

loislovesstewie · 27/08/2022 05:36

There is an old saying, 'happy is the man who knows his own child' . If one of my sons was in this position, for the avoidance of doubt , I would suggest that exactly what your ex is doing would be best. Paying for a child who isn't theirs for 18 years isn't acceptable, and I would insist they did pay,and take responsibility. There has always been quite a sizable % of men who are bringing up children who they think are theirs but aren't. Unless a woman has had IVF and a mistake made with the embryo, then she knows the child she gives birth to is genetically hers.
I don't think, on this, any man is being unreasonable.

sashh · 27/08/2022 05:55

McHot · 26/08/2022 20:24

@Tigerstripes1 are you saying he was a convicted child abuser at the time of conception? Or was he charged and convicted within your 9 month gestation? Yours is quite a niche situation there is it not? A bit of clarity would help

Actually it is not as unusual as you might think.

It's child abuser's dream and they exchange information with each other.

There is only one way to take parental responsibility away and that is if the child is adopted, and yes some women have had to do that even though they lose parental control as well.

OP

Register the birth.

Talk to a solicitor.

Do the DNA test, at the Dr's, you need him to give a sample at the same time, if he doesn't then he could get anyone to spit in a tube.

category12 · 27/08/2022 06:21

I expect it's been said already but if you're not married, you can't just put the father's name down on the birth certificate, he would have to attend registration of the birth or provide written confirmation.

Otherwise what's to stop a woman putting down Harry Styles or whatever at random? 😁

If he's gone to the lengths of getting a solicitor to write to you already, seems foolish to resist putting him on the birth certificate if he'll appear/confirm for the registration of birth, as he can pursue for PR anyway.

Whydidimarryhim · 27/08/2022 07:17

Hi OP it’s not very nice what he’s doing as you where pregnant when you split up.
You do not need to put him on the birth certificate - that’s up to you.
Re access - you need to think of placing your child with this man if he as you claim is an alcoholic. Will he be safe to look after the baby? Does he have family who know he is a drinker and who will be around to keep an eye.
The damage to children being brought up with an alcoholic parent is immense.
I hope you have real life support. 🌺

AhNowTed · 27/08/2022 10:16

loislovesstewie · 27/08/2022 05:36

There is an old saying, 'happy is the man who knows his own child' . If one of my sons was in this position, for the avoidance of doubt , I would suggest that exactly what your ex is doing would be best. Paying for a child who isn't theirs for 18 years isn't acceptable, and I would insist they did pay,and take responsibility. There has always been quite a sizable % of men who are bringing up children who they think are theirs but aren't. Unless a woman has had IVF and a mistake made with the embryo, then she knows the child she gives birth to is genetically hers.
I don't think, on this, any man is being unreasonable.

I totally agree.

And am disgusted by the number of posters weaponising a child's birth certificate.

Fucking selfish vindictiveness that serves them, and certainly not the poor child.

Lullabies2Paralyze · 27/08/2022 10:19

If he wants to be on birth certificate then I think he needs to go with you to register as you are unmarried. (If in England anyway).

KettrickenSmiled · 27/08/2022 10:27

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 21:34

I don’t want him in my life (career obsessed selfish alcoholic!) but I just wanted to keep all doors open for the baby.

That’s it really. I’m just so suspicious as to why he has asked this before the baby is here… organised for what… to pay into his pension and hide his money ..?

Then FFS don't put him on the birth cert.

And do the test but insist on a properly controlled one by a third party.
Stop feeling sad about it - confirmation of paternity (& the subsequent obligation to pay for his child) is the best door you can keep open for your baby.

category12 · 27/08/2022 10:45

Yes, in the UK he will need to attend registration of the birth or give OP documentation to do so alone. She cannot do it without his co-operation so if he wants it, he needs to do his part. If it turns out he CBA to attend or give the documentation, she literally can't do it.

If he's already getting solicitors involved it seems silly to me to resist putting him on the BC, as he seems prepared to pursue getting PR. Having to do that through the courts is just going to get very acrimonious.

balalake · 27/08/2022 10:46

If he is an alcoholic as you suggest, then he may be looking for any way to avoid paying maintenance, as that is money that could be spent on drink. He may have got the idea from an awful advert (cannot remember what for) where the man hopes the child is his.

I think you may need to seek legal advice as to a reply. As you know the outcome of a test.

vroom321 · 27/08/2022 11:01

Imagine if a father didn't want to put the mother on a birth certificate?

AhNowTed · 27/08/2022 11:12

vroom321 · 27/08/2022 11:01

Imagine if a father didn't want to put the mother on a birth certificate?

Exactly.

Isaidnoalready · 27/08/2022 11:16

vroom321 · 27/08/2022 11:01

Imagine if a father didn't want to put the mother on a birth certificate?

Why is that even a credible argument?

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