He’s asked for a test ???

[Blanketyi]

We broke up in pregnancy and as I’m approaching my due date, I have been in touch to ask about arrangements and finance/if he wants involvement. We are not married.

On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards. Do you think this is his way of getting me to do paternity and he has no intention of engaging further? It’s so insulting as there’s absolutely no way he’s not the father and he is a paranoid type but this seems extreme. I’m sad.

If you're worried he'll fudge his tests results, engage your own solicitor and insist it's done via a hospital or gp

He is on the children's birth certificates and that list is what I have hanging over my head every single day.

He was convicted in January, we actually split 3 years prior to this and I had stopped contact 12 months prior due to his worsening behaviour. I don't recommend women putting men on birth certificates if they have any doubts on their intentions to parent because living like this is hell. Let them take you to court and show they want to parent their child.

I had one done 20yrs ago. Samples were taken by Gp following provision of photo ID

Why are people saying no to putting him on the birth certificate? Genuine question. Does this help or achieve anything?

I think fathers should be on birth certificates. The fight is between the parents not the child.

If you go via CMS and he denies paternity the force legal testing that he has to pay for.

Been there.

That's not entirely true. He could object to it and go to court but any move abroad would have to be in the child's best interests. Refusing to allow the child a better life simply to stay in the area as a dead beat, non-existent Dad wouldn't happen. There is lots of case law on this.

I agree with PP who said he should be on the birth certificate as it is the child's. I would register first then put him on a few weeks later if he was going to be difficult about the name but that's all.

If you refuse he'll just get a court order anyway, he'll have proof of paternity and you will like the difficult one.

I don't get why so many think he is going to mess them about from the little that's been posted. He's actually ensuring he is recognised as the father and wanting to be involved both financially and practically. We've no idea why they separated whilst OP was pregnant. Baby isn't here yet and the parents are starting to sort what will happen when they are.

Just do the test and then everything is official. You should also put him on the birth certificate - you owe it to your child. I can’t imagine how sad it must be to have that part left blank .

As explained upthread, because if the father is on the BC he can block everything from house moves to holidays if he fancies doing so.

Which is one thing if you've split from your nice, reasonable fair minded ex who just wants to co-parent amicably.

Quite another if your ex is abusive, a deadbeat who's never going to engage with his child, &/or just a dickhead who likes to pull the strings & watch you dance.

At that point - especially if the split is pre-birth - the mother might well decide it's worth foregoing the slim prospect of possible CM & also avoiding the attendant embuggerance that comes with giving an unpleasant ex parental responsibility via the BC.

If I was a man I would definitely want a test done if I had any doubts.

My ex said this as a way of getting out of being involved but never actually wanted to do a test even when I paid for it (he did in the end).
But it sounds like your ex may have genuine concerns if he’s the one that has got a solicitor involved and is willing to pay for it.

Some men are dicks.
But if you don’t provide proof off paternity he has no expectation to be involved or pay.

If the DNA comes back that the baby isn’t his and you know 100% that it is. Then I would take it back to court.
But tbh if someone is going to lie about doing a DNA test then I’m not sure I’d want them involved anyway.

Just do the test and then everything is official. You should also put him on the birth certificate - you owe it to your child. I can’t imagine how sad it must be to have that part left blank .

I agree.

The child is as much his as OPs.
I don’t get why some women try and use the baby as a weapon.

It’s a very controlling thing to do from someone who chose to have a relationship, sex and create a baby with this man and now all of a sudden because they’ve broken up he shouldn’t be allowed on the BC.

My DD doesn’t have her dad on hers as he refused to go on it.
It has to say ‘unknown’ which is a horrible thing to have on the birth certificate.

I wish my ex wasn’t on the bc it’s all well and good saying just put him on but there are reasons why women don’t want to, my ex has no contact yet on bc so has PR I can’t go on holiday without asking his permission yet I have no contact with him 🤦🏻🙄 there’s a good reason not to put him on though like I said he’s 100% right for asking for a test I would to if I was him

I don't even know where my birth certificate is. I've never even seen it, and I've never needed it yet. Any bugger could be on there for all I know 🤷‍♀️

I think when you asked him about finance, he went to see a solicitor to ask how it all works, and the solicitor advised the test.

(Either that or he plans to do a dodgy test at home to ‘prove’ he isn’t the father and try to avoid maintenance payments.)

But my guess it’s his solicitor going through a standard procedure. Suggest you get your own legal advice before allowing him on bieth certificate as that gives him some control over eg school decisions and travel etc.

Might be worth a look at this site
www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/cafcass-dna-testing-service/

I'm not long back from being abroad and wasn't asked for anything from my ex, and I get on with him so it wouldn't have been a problem.

No court in the land would stop a child going on holiday just because one parent said no for no reason. I suppose though it's the hassle and expense if you had to do that each time!

i think you was lucky, others do get stopped

He can apply through the court to get pr and if he’s got a paternity test proving he’s the dad they will order it

I must have been!

He still couldn't stop you though, but I can imagine how stressful it would be having to go to court every time you wanted to go abroad if he refused!

I strongly feel that a father (regardless of their relationship with the mother), should be on the birth certificate. Only in extreme cases (violence etc) should they not.

The birth certificate is not a tool to punish or use as a power play. It ultimately belongs to the child. It is a factual legal document recording who their mother and father are (and/or "other parent" in same sex couples). To deny your child this factual record would just be so wrong imo.

As for the DNA test; he would have been advised by his solicitor to obtain one as a prerequisite to contact/financial provision. It's probably not a dig at you. As you're sure he is the father just do it; then you can arrange the contact with him your child deserves to have and also the financial help he should provide. Rise above the BS, put the child first.

I am going to do the test if I is in a controlled environment and not a home test.

no issue him being on the certificate. No issue with him seeing the child. No issue with maintenance if he puts forward a sensible proposal.

Just totally suspicious and confused as to why he’s done this?! I’ve never said I wouldn’t be anything other than amicable about the baby… so it makes me wonder what’s going on. Maybe he’s planning on putting 40k into pension from salary or something to prepare to not have to pay much

On the face of it he sounds sensible and organised, he is preparing himself to be a father. I agree with a previous poster to match his communication choice by also consulting a solicitor and communicting via them. Your solicitor can advise on best practice for conducting paternity tests. Formally establishing paternity helps you as well, for CMS, the courts, and for your child someday.

@Blanketyi I imagine he has only followed the advice of his solicitor - nothing else.

What is the relationship with your ex like ATM - have you not been speaking, hate the sight of each other or are you an reasonably friendly terms? No thoughts about being back together from either of you?

If he was out of my life, he would be completely out of my life, money and all. I would not be sharing my child with someone I wasn't sharing my life with.

I would write back to his lawyer and tell them he is not the father. I'd be done with him once and for all.

You'd deny your child a relationship with their father because your relationship didn't work out?

I don’t want him in my life (career obsessed selfish alcoholic!) but I just wanted to keep all doors open for the baby.

That’s it really. I’m just so suspicious as to why he has asked this before the baby is here… organised for what… to pay into his pension and hide his money ..?

Sorry, you'd attempt to cut your child's father out of their life if they didn't want a romantic relationship with you?

That's genuinely disgusting.

Nothing in OP's posts suggests he is a dangerous person or would be a shit dad.

They broke up, he is establishing paternity and has told her that he wants to be involved in his child's life and will also be financially responsible too.

I can't believe you'd cut out a child's father just because they didn't want to continue being your boyfriend or husband.