Page 4 | He’s asked for a test ???

Blanketyi · 2022-08-26T18:28:35+00:00

We broke up in pregnancy and as I’m approaching my due date, I have been in touch to ask about arrangements and finance/if he wants involvement. We are not married. On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards. Do you think this is his way of getting me to do paternity and he has no intention of engaging further? It’s so insulting as there’s absolutely no way he’s not the father and he is a paranoid type but this seems extreme. I’m sad.

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 21:39

Nothing in OP's posts suggests he is a dangerous person or would be a shit dad.

To be clear, I wrote this when OP hadn't mentioned that he is a selfish alcoholic which obviously does suggest he won't be a good dad. By the time I posted it OP had added this in.

But the poster who said they'd cut off from their children a man who broke up with them, even if he was their father, didn't have that information when they said it. And it's a really disturbing way to think.

goldfinchonthelawn · 26/08/2022 21:46

McHot · 26/08/2022 19:48

100% do the test and I've never understood women who want to rewrite history by not putting a child's father on their birth certificate, in fact I think it's morally wrong not to. The certificate belongs ultimately to the child and they should know who their mother and father are, for better or worse.

I agree. Petty to do otherwise, and confusing for the child.

Summerbreezee · 26/08/2022 21:49

Do the test, don't put him on the birth certificate, don't give the child his last name.

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/08/2022 21:55

McHot · 26/08/2022 19:48

100% do the test and I've never understood women who want to rewrite history by not putting a child's father on their birth certificate, in fact I think it's morally wrong not to. The certificate belongs ultimately to the child and they should know who their mother and father are, for better or worse.

Agreed.

PasTropCher · 26/08/2022 22:00

Marinamountainzoo · 26/08/2022 19:31

I'm sure others would have a different opinion, but in your shoes I wouldn't do the test and cut all ties with thus fuckwit.

Otherwise you will be playing these stupid games with him coming in and out your DC life when it suits him on his terms for the rest of your child's life.

Why? He has every right to make sure that he’s the father. You may not be aware, but it’s not unknown for women to tell someone that they are, when really they aren’t.

PinkButtercups · 26/08/2022 22:04

Let him have the test but don't put him on the birth certificate.

Stravaig · 26/08/2022 22:06

So many posters who would purposely omit the father's name from the birth certificate, many from sheer pique! This is why sensible men get paternity tests and use solicitors.

When will some women learn that getting pregnant gets you a child, it doesn't get you the man. Pregnancy and motherhood does not entitle you to an ongoing romantic or sexual relationship with the father of your child. It is your child who is entitled to an ongoing relationship with both of their parents. Both parents are responsible for a functional co-parenting interaction, however minimal.

If you are not prepared to co-parent with the man you only just got pregnant with, then terminate the pregnancy. Don't play silly buggers with the birth certificate or the custody/contact arrangements.

BlodynGwyn · 26/08/2022 22:07

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 21:37

Sorry, you'd attempt to cut your child's father out of their life if they didn't want a romantic relationship with you?

That's genuinely disgusting.

Nothing in OP's posts suggests he is a dangerous person or would be a shit dad.

They broke up, he is establishing paternity and has told her that he wants to be involved in his child's life and will also be financially responsible too.

I can't believe you'd cut out a child's father just because they didn't want to continue being your boyfriend or husband.

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Life is sometimes a little complicated and not everyone has the same experience. Have you ever noticed that?

Boredsoentertainme · 26/08/2022 22:08

I think it’s fine to do this properly, ensure he’s the father and then formally engage. If you want the tests done in a controlled environment then say so. Past that, it’s good right?

PinkButtercups · 26/08/2022 22:11

Stravaig · 26/08/2022 22:06

So many posters who would purposely omit the father's name from the birth certificate, many from sheer pique! This is why sensible men get paternity tests and use solicitors.

When will some women learn that getting pregnant gets you a child, it doesn't get you the man. Pregnancy and motherhood does not entitle you to an ongoing romantic or sexual relationship with the father of your child. It is your child who is entitled to an ongoing relationship with both of their parents. Both parents are responsible for a functional co-parenting interaction, however minimal.

If you are not prepared to co-parent with the man you only just got pregnant with, then terminate the pregnancy. Don't play silly buggers with the birth certificate or the custody/contact arrangements.

Where did she say she wants to be with him?
You're condescending and stick in the 1950's.

Boredsoentertainme · 26/08/2022 22:11

Summerbreezee · 26/08/2022 21:49

Do the test, don't put him on the birth certificate, don't give the child his last name.

That’s horrible, put the child first for gods sake, if this is the father who is willing to engage and contribute why would you do this to your own child?

PinkButtercups · 26/08/2022 22:11

Stuck*

Boredsoentertainme · 26/08/2022 22:13

BlodynGwyn · 26/08/2022 21:31

If he was out of my life, he would be completely out of my life, money and all. I would not be sharing my child with someone I wasn't sharing my life with.

I would write back to his lawyer and tell them he is not the father. I'd be done with him once and for all.

That’s horrific, and so utterly selfish.

PasTropCher · 26/08/2022 22:14

iamhurtingheart · 26/08/2022 20:00

Wow OP I feel for you. I can't believe there are people here saying he's right to be doing this, when you are certain, and presumably, haven't been with anyone else.

How so? She’s certain, but he isn’t, and he’s the one wanting to check.

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 22:16

@BlodynGwyn

Life is sometimes a little complicated and not everyone has the same experience. Have you ever noticed that?

Absolutely.

I'm not sure why that means it's morally sound for you to say that if the father of your children broke up with you, your default reaction (that you stand by) would be to purposefully deny them a relationship with one another.

It's cruel.

Damnautocorrect · 26/08/2022 22:17

goldfinchonthelawn · 26/08/2022 21:46

I agree. Petty to do otherwise, and confusing for the child.

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It’s not petty if it could be issues for going on holiday, applying for schools, doctors etc. if an absent dad is going to be a twat at any point in those 18 years it’s prudent to protect yourself. Doesn’t change who their father is. Just means you can go on holiday without a letter from a stranger permitting it

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 22:18

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 22:16

@BlodynGwyn

Life is sometimes a little complicated and not everyone has the same experience. Have you ever noticed that?

Absolutely.

I'm not sure why that means it's morally sound for you to say that if the father of your children broke up with you, your default reaction (that you stand by) would be to purposefully deny them a relationship with one another.

It's cruel.

Cruel to the children I mean.

And the father obviously, but incredibly cruel to the children too.

I like to think in reality you wouldn't actually punish a man in this way for ending a relationship with you.

hewouldwouldnthe · 26/08/2022 22:23

Marinamountainzoo · 26/08/2022 19:31

I'm sure others would have a different opinion, but in your shoes I wouldn't do the test and cut all ties with thus fuckwit.

Otherwise you will be playing these stupid games with him coming in and out your DC life when it suits him on his terms for the rest of your child's life.

So you're advocating OP gets no financial help from the father and he get to walk away Scot free

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/08/2022 22:24

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 21:34

I don’t want him in my life (career obsessed selfish alcoholic!) but I just wanted to keep all doors open for the baby.

That’s it really. I’m just so suspicious as to why he has asked this before the baby is here… organised for what… to pay into his pension and hide his money ..?

See, I was with most of the other posters, about putting him on the birth certificate, doing the test etc....until you said he was an alcoholic!!! That definitely puts a different soon on things, alcoholics aren't knows for their reliability, support or honesty.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/08/2022 22:24

Isaidnoalready · 26/08/2022 20:19

That's not a proper test then is it? When my ex threatened to get a test (I said go ahead he never bothered because he knew she was his and he would owe more money) csa said it would be done at the Dr's and he would need photo id as proof

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I wouldn't say yes to a home test. It would need to be done properly with a doctor supervising and Ex not allowed to take it away with him afterwards to send it. Maybe he's planning to fake it so he can get out of CMS and lie to everyone about how you cheated for sympathy.

cherish123 · 26/08/2022 22:34

What's wrong with him wanting to know if he's the father?

BlodynGwyn · 26/08/2022 22:48

girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 21:32

You'd deny your child a relationship with their father because your relationship didn't work out?

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Yes I did. I did that. I kept my son away ex-husband because being a mother is a very important job. Number one rule is to PROTECT our children. Even if it means not having the child support money, or what you call 'maintenance' in the UK.

I divorced him. He very much wanted his son to join his growing business, which was international drug smuggling and a pimping business.

Happy to report my now almost 50 yr old son never went into a life of crime.

Seems as if the OP's ex is a bad example as well. But for some of you it's worth having your children mix with the wrong sorts for money.

Sunshinegirl82 · 26/08/2022 22:49

Is he asking for an antenatal test? Presumably not if he's suggesting it be done at home?

In which case nothing can happen until the baby is born in any event. I'd respond saying you will notify the CMS at the time of the baby's birth and you'd be willing to submit to a DNA test organised by them, in a controlled environment.

BlodynGwyn · 26/08/2022 22:51

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 22:18

Cruel to the children I mean.

And the father obviously, but incredibly cruel to the children too.

I like to think in reality you wouldn't actually punish a man in this way for ending a relationship with you.

Show quote history

I divorced my husband. Please read my post above and then tell me again how cruel I was to my son and ex husband.

I didn't mention he also shot three people, including a policeman.

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 22:54

@BlodynGwyn

I divorced my husband. Please read my post above and then tell me again how cruel I was to my son and ex husband.

I didn't mention he also shot three people, including a policeman.

And if you had mentioned the fact he had done so, and that he was a drug smuggler and pimp literally everyone would have said you were quite right to cut him out of your childrens lives as quickly as humanly possible.

But you didn't say that. You said that as a matter of principle you would cut out any father who didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

And that is what people took issue with.

As you well know.