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Original poster

He’s asked for a test ???

219 replies

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 19:28

We broke up in pregnancy and as I’m approaching my due date, I have been in touch to ask about arrangements and finance/if he wants involvement. We are not married.

On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards. Do you think this is his way of getting me to do paternity and he has no intention of engaging further? It’s so insulting as there’s absolutely no way he’s not the father and he is a paranoid type but this seems extreme. I’m sad.

OP posts:
Farahilda · 26/08/2022 19:59

McHot · 26/08/2022 19:55

@Farahilda I disagree strongly that a child knowing who their parents are is less important than some perceived 'legal framework'. A birth certificate goes through life with that person (usually) it is not for the mum , or dad, to pull legal stunts with.

There are other ways of assuring someone about who their parents are.

Abd its not a "perceived 'legal framework' " - it's an actual legal document bringing parental responsibility as defined by law

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2022 20:00

You don’t have to do it. But he’s sensible to ask.

iamhurtingheart · 26/08/2022 20:00

Wow OP I feel for you. I can't believe there are people here saying he's right to be doing this, when you are certain, and presumably, haven't been with anyone else.

girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 20:02

iamhurtingheart · 26/08/2022 20:00

Wow OP I feel for you. I can't believe there are people here saying he's right to be doing this, when you are certain, and presumably, haven't been with anyone else.

But how can he be certain?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/08/2022 20:02

MadeForThis · 26/08/2022 19:39

Yes to the test.
No to the birth certificate

This. It's your baby so give it your name.
If he wants it to have his name, tell him you want a marriage certificate.
But judging from the way he acts, I would not advise marriage.

ProbablyPossiblyPerhaps · 26/08/2022 20:03

teaandtantrums and McHot a birth certificate gives the named father various legal rights - it's not just an acknowledgement of paternity or a record for the child. If he chooses he can avoid paying maintenance and disappear from his child's life for long periods but still make the child's life difficult - for example challenging the school choice made by the mother, or refusing to allow them to go abroad on holiday or on a school trip. He'd have to give permission for the child to move abroad with the mother if she had a great job offer even if he'd had no contact through his own choice for years.

Marotte · 26/08/2022 20:04

Being on the birth certificate confers parental responsibility - it's more than just a statement of paternity. It's not about rewriting history, it's about deciding the best legal framework going forward.

This ^^

SultanOfSwing · 26/08/2022 20:04

All this advice about not putting him on the birth certificate is pretty dumb, IMO. In the first place, it isn’t very nice for your child. But mainly, if he has a positive paternity test, he can get on the birth certificate any time he likes. Wouldn’t it be better for the money spent on getting court orders be spent on your child instead? Why waste it on lawyers and court fees when the outcome is inevitable?

Of course, if you are ready to forgo 16-18 years of child maintenance, then decline both requests. It sounds like he won’t fight you if you don’t want him to pay.

CollieEye · 26/08/2022 20:06

Marotte · 26/08/2022 19:38

I don't think he can insist you put his name on the birth certificate (I wouldn't, in your case). It may not be unreasonable for him to ask for paternity confirmation before coughing up the maintenance for 18 years, and when he finds out he is indeed the father, then cough up he must unless you decide not to pursue it and he doesn't legally assert his rights and responsibilities. Sounds a charming man. Get legal advice.

He definitely can't insist on this. www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

Unmarried parents
The details of both parents can be included on the birth certificate if one of the following happens:

  • they sign the birth register together
  • one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form and the other takes the signed form to register the birth
  • one parent goes to register the birth with a document from the court (for example, a court order) giving the father parental responsibility

The mother can choose to register the birth without the child’s father if they’re not married or in a civil partnership. The father’s details will not be included on the birth certificate.

It might be possible to add the father’s details at a later date by completing an application for the re-registration of a child’s birth.

Marotte · 26/08/2022 20:12

Yes to the test.
No to the birth certificate

This. It's your baby so give it your name.

I agree (if it were me that is) and OP needs to consider this for herself. But, let us be clear, the father being invited to attend with the mother to register the birth (and hence be on the birth certificate and have parental responsibility from this point forward) has nothing to do with what said mother decides to do about the name or giving/not giving the child their father's surname. And if the father gets pushy about it AT the registration, they can be disinvited.

Those who say that an absent and disinterested parent can still use this already-gained parental responsibility to make things difficult for you and the child are correct. Parental responsibility can be gained through the courts by the father later but it takes effort. Some men won't be bothered with the effort, some will. I wouldn't give it away at this point personally.

MineIsBetterThanYours · 26/08/2022 20:12

A test is ok even though I can understand this will hurt as he is clearly showing he has no trust in you (it’s also a good information for you. Anything you will should be done with the idea he doesn’t trust you and therefore can’t probably be trusted either).

being in the birth certificate? I want to say it’s your choice. Because it is but I seem to remember that he would have no issue having the Courts putting him on the certificate with the paternity test.

he is coming at it from a quite aggressive angle. Telling you what is going to happen or not. And with things being in his terms only. I would brace myself for more ‘this is what is going to happen’ type of behaviour.
A good thing though is that a paternity test means he really can’t justify not paying CM.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 20:14

The test is done at home though and I’m concerned he may not do it properly…

OP posts:
McHot · 26/08/2022 20:15

@ProbablyPossiblyPerhaps I didn't need the explanation thank you, a difference of opinion doesn't automatically mean a lack of common knowledge, you know?

A birth certificate is a child's record of it's origin and it's abhorrent that ANY parent uses it as a legal tool to beat the other parent.

Isaidnoalready · 26/08/2022 20:17

Do the test if your absolutely sure you want him in your life for the next 18 years

When you register the baby use your name even if he is named on the birth cert

Bollindger · 26/08/2022 20:17

Write to the solicitor and say you agree to the test, but want it done at a Doctors.
Otherwise a court will just cost him for the same thing.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/08/2022 20:17

Just let him do the test. It's his right to know. Maybe insulting however if there's nothing to worry about, what's the issue

dworky · 26/08/2022 20:18

I wouldn't do the test as I'd be really pissed off at the implication of lying/cheating. He can't force you to.

Isaidnoalready · 26/08/2022 20:19

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 20:14

The test is done at home though and I’m concerned he may not do it properly…

That's not a proper test then is it? When my ex threatened to get a test (I said go ahead he never bothered because he knew she was his and he would owe more money) csa said it would be done at the Dr's and he would need photo id as proof

Tigerstripes1 · 26/08/2022 20:22

McHot · 26/08/2022 19:48

100% do the test and I've never understood women who want to rewrite history by not putting a child's father on their birth certificate, in fact I think it's morally wrong not to. The certificate belongs ultimately to the child and they should know who their mother and father are, for better or worse.

My ex is not allowed to see his children as hes a convicted child abuser. But as he's on the birth certificate and therefore has parental responsibility can:

Stop me from taking my children on holiday
Stop me from moving house
Stop me from changing the children's school
Take me to court whenever he fancies for whatever petty reason he wishes
Apply for passports for the children so I can't
Take my children and not give them back without a court order

Still seem like a good idea to put men on the birth certificate when you are unsure of their intentions to be fully involved in the children's lives and be a decent human being?

GeorgiePorge · 26/08/2022 20:24

Farahilda · 26/08/2022 19:59

There are other ways of assuring someone about who their parents are.

Abd its not a "perceived 'legal framework' " - it's an actual legal document bringing parental responsibility as defined by law

Show quote history

this 💯
if you are not sure that he is a responsible parent do not give him parental responsibility. This would confer to him legal rights equal to your own unless there is a court order to counter it

it is possible the add his name to the certificate later on if youbtrust him to behave reasonably.

McHot · 26/08/2022 20:24

@Tigerstripes1 are you saying he was a convicted child abuser at the time of conception? Or was he charged and convicted within your 9 month gestation? Yours is quite a niche situation there is it not? A bit of clarity would help

PeekAtYou · 26/08/2022 20:27

Yanbu to think that you need to do it at an official
place with a medical professional. I would not consent to an at home test.

If he refuses a "proper test" then when the baby is born go to CMS. If he still wants a paternity test then they will use a company where you do a test with a professional so there's no possibility of cheating. This will cost £150 which is refunded if he's not the father. It will be interesting to see whether or not he pays.

Solicitor's letters aren't legally binding so don't be scared by them. You can pay letters to say whatever you want as there's no legal basis for them.

In your shoes I would register the baby alone and go to the CMS when the baby is born. He should get a DNA via them then they can sort the rest. If he wants to be added to the birth certificate then the DNA will be proof for him. Is he self employed? If he is then be prepared for him to fiddle his earnings so he pays you less maintenance.

Good luck OP

TooHotToTangoToo · 26/08/2022 20:30

I think I'd do the same in his shoes, it's no skin off your nose if he's going to pay for it all, also means he then has to pay cm. It doesn't however mean you have to put him on the birth certificate.

ImAvingOops · 26/08/2022 20:30

If he was my son I'd absolutely be advising him to do what he's doing.
But if you were my daughter I'd tell you to tell him to fuck off - that a paternity test is deeply insulting to your integrity and that you won't be doing it.
He can force you through the court if he's so inclined and if paternity proves positive he can insist on being put on the bc. He cannot choose the name or insist baby has his last name. Personally I'd make it as difficult as possible for him to assert legal rights. I would offer him visiting access (not unsupervised) on the condition he contributes financially - parenthood means taking on all the responsibilities, not cherry picking. If he steps up and proves himself decent, I'd then add him to bc down the line. But I definitely wouldn't be giving him legal rights from the get go - it's you who will be doing all the real work!

2bazookas · 26/08/2022 20:30

You know the paternity test will prove he's the father so what's the problem?

He has stated in writing he will support the child financially; what's the problem?

Your child did not make this mess and DESERVES to have some relationship with the father you chose for them. Put their needs ahead of your paranoia .