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Original poster

He’s asked for a test ???

219 replies

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 19:28

We broke up in pregnancy and as I’m approaching my due date, I have been in touch to ask about arrangements and finance/if he wants involvement. We are not married.

On Monday I get a letter from solicitors saying he wants a paternity test which he will pay for and that if he is the father he will want to be notified of the birth and on the certificate. Also says if he is the father he will then engage in care and finance arrangements afterwards. Do you think this is his way of getting me to do paternity and he has no intention of engaging further? It’s so insulting as there’s absolutely no way he’s not the father and he is a paranoid type but this seems extreme. I’m sad.

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 26/08/2022 22:57

Ex can include his own name on the bc himself later if he wants. If you do it the bc gives him legal rights over where you and DC live, work, education, travel, you name it.

Ex still won’t have to pay maintenance, named or not.

Don’t include him - potentially cruel to DC who’s going to know either way at some point.

GalactatingGoddess · 26/08/2022 23:03

Yes to the test
No the birth certificate

BlodynGwyn · 26/08/2022 23:03

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 22:54

@BlodynGwyn

I divorced my husband. Please read my post above and then tell me again how cruel I was to my son and ex husband.

I didn't mention he also shot three people, including a policeman.

And if you had mentioned the fact he had done so, and that he was a drug smuggler and pimp literally everyone would have said you were quite right to cut him out of your childrens lives as quickly as humanly possible.

But you didn't say that. You said that as a matter of principle you would cut out any father who didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

And that is what people took issue with.

As you well know.

My situation is extreme and awful but there are a lot of people who do should not be influencing children. Including drunks. I had one child with him - as if I would have stuck around and had more! He was a university graduate and when it came to starting a career he went in high-end crime. I left with my ten month old baby.

Please explain why you keep saying this piece of shit didn't want to be in a relationship with me. It's insulting an ignorant!

GalactatingGoddess · 26/08/2022 23:03

Also please give baby your surname!

GalactatingGoddess · 26/08/2022 23:05

AND don't let yourself be pressured into letting your baby be away from you for the sake of his contact. The early years are so important and if he wants contact it will have to work for baby and you, and he will have to adhere to it

wellhelloitsme · 26/08/2022 23:10

@BlodynGwyn

Please explain why you keep saying this piece of shit didn't want to be in a relationship with me. It's insulting an ignorant!

I didn't say that about your ex.

I said that in your previous post, you stated that if someone (not your ex, not a specific person) no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you then you would cut them out of their child's life.

You didn't caveat with 'if they were a drug smuggler / pimp / etc'. It was stated as when it comes to the father of children, your principle would be no relationship with you = no relationship with your kids.

Maybe you worded it poorly but that's how it read to me and others.

You're massively merailing the thread by accusing people of saying things about you when they aren't speaking about your individual situation (because you didn't include details of it in your first post ) they're speaking about the first post you made which gave no context.

Chill.

Bpdqueen · 26/08/2022 23:14

It sounds like he got legal advice and that's what the solicitor advised I wouldn't take it personally and I don't think anything he has suggested is unreasonable

GrumpyPanda · 26/08/2022 23:16

Boredsoentertainme · 26/08/2022 22:11

That’s horrible, put the child first for gods sake, if this is the father who is willing to engage and contribute why would you do this to your own child?

Show quote history

How exactly is it in the child's interest to have a different name from its mother?

audeloquipalam · 26/08/2022 23:19

Career obsessed alcoholic. So there’ll be that one particular strand of contact that is likely to be well worth maintaining I suppose.

ThePumpkinPatch · 26/08/2022 23:22

Marinamountainzoo · 26/08/2022 19:31

I'm sure others would have a different opinion, but in your shoes I wouldn't do the test and cut all ties with thus fuckwit.

Otherwise you will be playing these stupid games with him coming in and out your DC life when it suits him on his terms for the rest of your child's life.

If she does this, she just looks 'guilty' and it will reinforce to him that he did the right thing to instruct his Solicitor to send the letter! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 23:25

@audeloquipalam what do you mean?

OP posts:
usernamealreadytaken · 26/08/2022 23:25

Whether you decide to put his name on the birth certificate or not, I personally think that if the father is known then there should be a legal obligation to formally recognise that in some way and to ensure maintenance is claimed. Every. Single. Time. Unless a mother is independently wealthy, why on earth should the state (other people) have to take financial responsibility when there's an actual parent who could/should/would?

surreygirl1987 · 26/08/2022 23:27

I can't see anything wrong with him wanting to be 100% sure that the child is his. I know YOU know, but he doesn't for definite. Yes it's insulting as it is insinuating you are lying

  • but you've broken up anyway. I'd do it. Puts you in a stronger position legally and if you refuse I'd wonder what you had to hide.
ThePumpkinPatch · 26/08/2022 23:29

@CorvusPurpureus I get what you're saying Corvus but the alternative is saddling your child with owning a BC that says 'Father: Unknown' for the rest of their lives. I think it needs to be a serious consideration. I really wish people would stop saying "No to birth certificate" on here when they know nothing of the situation or how the father would actually behave.

Original poster
Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 23:30

The birth certificate had never bothered me. I would be more upset if he’s not on it. I just want the child to be ok.

OP posts:
ThePumpkinPatch · 26/08/2022 23:32

BlodynGwyn · 26/08/2022 21:31

If he was out of my life, he would be completely out of my life, money and all. I would not be sharing my child with someone I wasn't sharing my life with.

I would write back to his lawyer and tell them he is not the father. I'd be done with him once and for all.

I would not be sharing my child with someone I wasn't sharing my life with.
Wtf?!?! You cannot do that! You cannot play God with a child and say "Sorry, as our relationship came to an unexpected end, so did your fatherhood - see ya!"

You have NO legal right to do this and could potentially end up in prison for doing so. Wow

OldFan · 26/08/2022 23:38

The test is worth doing to get maintenance @Blanketyi but based on stuff I've learned from MN, don't put him on the birth certificate. This is because he can decide to fuck with how you bring up your DC then and make things difficult, even if he doesn't see them much.

Coyoacan · 26/08/2022 23:38

Think twice about the test and putting him on the birth certificate.

Starlightstarbright1 · 26/08/2022 23:38

Honestly..

If the father of my child approached me with a letter from solicitors i would reply with a letter from the cms.

OldFan · 26/08/2022 23:41

I really wish people would stop saying "No to birth certificate" on here when they know nothing of the situation or how the father would actually behave.

@ThePumpkinPatch I think the whole point is that no one knows how the bloke will behave. That's why they advise not having a potentially abusive or fairly absent random who abandoned the mum and the unborn baby having parental rights over the child.

ThePumpkinPatch · 26/08/2022 23:41

usernamealreadytaken · 26/08/2022 23:25

Whether you decide to put his name on the birth certificate or not, I personally think that if the father is known then there should be a legal obligation to formally recognise that in some way and to ensure maintenance is claimed. Every. Single. Time. Unless a mother is independently wealthy, why on earth should the state (other people) have to take financial responsibility when there's an actual parent who could/should/would?

You do realise that all child related benefits are paid REGARDLESS of whether the father is named on birth certificate and REGARDLESS of whether he pays maintenance?!?!

So yes, the state takes responsibility IF NEEDED - regardless of whether the father does or not! 🙄

ThePumpkinPatch · 26/08/2022 23:43

OldFan · 26/08/2022 23:41

I really wish people would stop saying "No to birth certificate" on here when they know nothing of the situation or how the father would actually behave.

@ThePumpkinPatch I think the whole point is that no one knows how the bloke will behave. That's why they advise not having a potentially abusive or fairly absent random who abandoned the mum and the unborn baby having parental rights over the child.

But no thought is given for the poor child having to grow up with 'Father Unknown' on their Birth Certificate!

audeloquipalam · 26/08/2022 23:44

Blanketyi · 26/08/2022 23:25

@audeloquipalam what do you mean?

He’ll have a few bob. And despite the mums preference he’d like to have some kind of formalised involvement if he’s going to be handing it over for the next 18 years. He isn’t expecting the test to say the child is not his. It’s just one part of a broader tactic.

Lacey247 · 27/08/2022 00:00

McHot · 26/08/2022 19:48

100% do the test and I've never understood women who want to rewrite history by not putting a child's father on their birth certificate, in fact I think it's morally wrong not to. The certificate belongs ultimately to the child and they should know who their mother and father are, for better or worse.

Agree

Opentooffers · 27/08/2022 00:03

If you put him on the birth certificate, it becomes shared parental responsibility, so that means you have to legally run everything by him for the next 18 years - what schools, can you even take him on holiday, where you live etc? You can still claim maintanence without him being named.
I'd delay the test till your baby is born, tell him in your own time after it's happened, certify your baby without him, then do the test, under controlled conditions, so you know he hasn't used a swab from someone else to get out of things.Then claim off him.
One day, you could meet someone else and want to move somewhere else with them, but he could stop you doing that if he's named on the certificate, it's worth thinking about.

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