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Original poster

Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

217 replies

pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:19

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Candleabra · 21/08/2022 16:22

Eww no of course you’re not overreacting

SparklingLime · 21/08/2022 16:22

You are not. Unsettling that your DP accepts the situation so easily.

MadonnasKebab · 21/08/2022 16:22

not really anything to do with you as you know. If you don’t want to be a part of their social life don’t be. Are you expecting your partner not to socialise with them also?

Scautish · 21/08/2022 16:24

You are definitely not overreacting. What a revolting man.

Exasperatednow · 21/08/2022 16:26

It's a bit weird. Whilst technically she's an adult (in law) she has no life experience. If my dd said she wanted to date a man of this age and movd to be with him I wouldn't be thrilled.
I'd be wondering what's wrong him if he can't hold down a relationship with domekne nearer his age.

ChandlersDad · 21/08/2022 16:26

Is she actually 18 or nearly 18 ie 17? Because an 18 year old would have finished year 13 by now…

Original poster
pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:26

SparklingLime · 21/08/2022 16:22

You are not. Unsettling that your DP accepts the situation so easily.

Yeah I think that bothers me too, that he didn't see anything wrong with it. I'm not sure he would feel the same way if it was one of his daughters.

OP posts:
SizzlerFizzler · 21/08/2022 16:26

Absolutely disgusting. Creepy groomer.

Fireflygal · 21/08/2022 16:26

No, absolutely not over reacting. Yuck for so many reasons. I get that your husband might not want to denigrate his friend but he can't approve - if he does I would be questioning his values.

I suspect she is vulnerable, perhaps not close to her family. I hope she meets similar aged friends in Uni who help to steer her in the right direction.

Exasperatednow · 21/08/2022 16:26

*someone

Kisskiss · 21/08/2022 16:27

Gross

Original poster
pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:27

MadonnasKebab · 21/08/2022 16:22

not really anything to do with you as you know. If you don’t want to be a part of their social life don’t be. Are you expecting your partner not to socialise with them also?

No I don't tell him who to socialise with, and they do have 'boys nights' when they go out without me, so stepping back is something I should be able to do. I was more vocalising my thoughts with DP to see what he thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:28

ChandlersDad · 21/08/2022 16:26

Is she actually 18 or nearly 18 ie 17? Because an 18 year old would have finished year 13 by now…

She's 18. She starts university next month.

OP posts:
GlueyMooey · 21/08/2022 16:28

That's too creepy for me. I'd be grossed out that your dp thinks it's ok. I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed.
I'd also say the same if the guy was a famous rich musician or actor.

Bellyups · 21/08/2022 16:29

Fucking disgusting.
Honestly, I hope he is embarrassed about this one day.

SizzlerFizzler · 21/08/2022 16:30

GlueyMooey · 21/08/2022 16:28

That's too creepy for me. I'd be grossed out that your dp thinks it's ok. I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed.
I'd also say the same if the guy was a famous rich musician or actor.

I'm still icked out by the Sam-Taylor Wood and Aaron Johnson relationship. I think they had the same ages as in the OP.

Original poster
pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:30

Fireflygal · 21/08/2022 16:26

No, absolutely not over reacting. Yuck for so many reasons. I get that your husband might not want to denigrate his friend but he can't approve - if he does I would be questioning his values.

I suspect she is vulnerable, perhaps not close to her family. I hope she meets similar aged friends in Uni who help to steer her in the right direction.

The vulnerability thing had also crossed my mind. I was a vulnerable teen and it meant I put myself in some stupid situations. I know how easy it is for a vulnerable teen to be taken advantage of.

OP posts:
ParsleyPesto · 21/08/2022 16:31

Ugh I would lose all respect for this guy. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s a gross imbalance of power and the way that he and your husband made fun of her age is so rude and disrespectful. His poor kids, how embarrassing for them. I bet her parents are feeling disturbed by it too.

ExPatHereForAChat · 21/08/2022 16:35

He wouldn't be my friend anymore. Just because it's legal doesn't make it right. I can't imagine if she was my daughter.

veggiemonster · 21/08/2022 16:39

Absolutely disgusting.

I was 20 in a relationship with a 30 year old and I look back on that now and cringe at how inappropriate it was, let alone this.

Slightly worrying that your DP knew her age and still went through with the four of you meeting up? What did he think the two of your would possibly have in common with her?

I have a 22 year old sister, I'm not much older than her but some things she references I haven't got a clue what she's talking about.

TobyEsterhase · 21/08/2022 16:40

This clearly breaks the "Half of your own age plus 7" rule which means a 40 year old shouldn't date someone under 27 for example

Do not see this as appropriate at all and I couldn't imagine socialising with them

Luluissleeping · 21/08/2022 16:41

He has a 15 year old child and is dating an 18 year old who might move in. Yuck.

Dery · 21/08/2022 16:46

“Ugh I would lose all respect for this guy. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s a gross imbalance of power and the way that he and your husband made fun of her age is so rude and disrespectful. His poor kids, how embarrassing for them. I bet her parents are feeling disturbed by it too.”

This. A huge yuck. She’s too inexperienced to know that there aren’t good reasons for a 43 yo to date an 18 yo - only bad ones. He’s already messing with her uni choices - at a time when she should be spreading her wings and embracing everything uni offers, she’s making plans to live with her middle-aged BF and his children who are more of less her age. Gross.

HEPolicy · 21/08/2022 16:49

How is she 'about to choose her university for this September'

BloodyCamping · 21/08/2022 16:49

Yes this is creepy. However if he had been 55 and she had been 30 I wouldnt have blinked.