Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

[pleaserecycleme]

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

The coach / player element rings massive alarm bells for me about how long it's been going on. It's like teachers who strike up relationships with 6th formers. Just No.
The vast majority of adults would find this uncomfortable. Few parents of 18 year olds would be comfortable with it.

Through clearing. She's ditched her first choice (which was a considerable distance away from Friend) so is picking our local uni through clearing.

Ask yourself (apart from the obvious) what a 43 year old would have in common with an 18 year old. Now ask yourself if it is fucking disgusting

That's disgusting. She's being abused but hasn't realised it yet. Keep your own children well away from him.

So he taught her and she was his student? Just awful behaviour. So she's banked a huge life decision on this guy and he's ok with this. He's not the person you thought he wa and I'd be not impressed with your partner either.

Did she mention her parents?

I think most men would be envious of the situation. They might say to their partners that it’s not acceptable but they will never tell their mate that. We idolise the young too much and don’t seem to have boundaries anymore with young people.

Creepy I agree. However unless she is crazy I can't see it lasting long once she starts uni.

When I was 17 I dated a man aged 32. Except it wasn't dating, it was a much older and experienced and financially secure man giving attention to a young girl who had left a chaotic home and barely started college.

He just wanted sex, to buy me ridiculous clothes and basically have a young girl give him all her attention (because friends told me it was wrong so I dropped them, I had no job or kids to take time away from him).

Right now, if my 34yr old brother told me he was dating an 18 yr old id tell him clearly he was disgusting, like your DH's friend is.

As you say, it's the imbalance of power and the fact she seems so vulnerable and immature in older company. Literally whole worlds apart.

It's disgusting and I wouldn't associate with a predator like him.

Good grief! What is it with these older men. Why is he really with her? What do they have in common, what interests do they share, what can they talk about? The answer is probably nothing much at all.

I would definitely be looking at my friend a lot differently because of this. What a creep.

You can find it as icky as you wish, it's not your business. They are committing no crime and it probably won't last anyway, once she goes to uni and hangs out with the student crowd.

Love is love

a favourite refrain of groomers and groomees.

So by that age gap, when his daughter is 16 next year, he and your dh would think it was all good if she dated a 41 yo? Grim.

If she lives 100 miles away how did they meet?!

None of your business.

DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them
This would revolt me.
The relationship is of course legal but I'd feel sick personally.

She's 3 years older than his eldest 🤮
It's just wrong. Says a lot about him really.

@Mumteedum Agreed I'm seeing Friend in a new light, and DP aswell if I'm being honest. She didn't mention her parents at all only to say she has no siblings.

@Iliveonahill sadly I agree with you, I think a lot of men would just be jealous he's got himself a teenager. DP hasn't said anything but I do wonder if he's a little jealous.

@MermaidEyes they met through the sport they both do - he teaches and she's a student of said sport. It was at regional competitions that they met.

'he mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September'

I feel sorry for his kids. 😩

He’s revolting.
Don’t stop socializing with them though. Offer to take her out to coffee or something and give her your phone number and say something vague about first year of uni being hard and sometimes it’s nice to have a fresh set of listening ears.
If the relationship goes south (which is likely if he expects her to play stepmum to his teen and preteen kids) then she’ll have you as a contact in your town and while she sorts out some new accommodation through uni.

When i was 16 i had a 33 year old boyfriend. It was a terrible idea, i cringe now because it was so grim and horribly unhealthy

Also, you're not overreacting. I think if this man could get away with dating a 17 or 16 year old, he probably would. You said yourself this girl looks a young 18. Blreghhh.

She’s going to struggle to make friends at uni if she’s scurrying off home afterwards to her 43yr old bfs place. Many of them will have parents his age or just slightly older.

So 2-3 years older than his kid? All kinds of wrong