Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

[pleaserecycleme]

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

I feel sorry for her. She won't have a normal university experience. Aside from that, at 18 it's important to be living a life with your peers, irrespective of what you're doing work/study wise, not shacked up with a 40plus year old. I really hope she sees that.

I wonder if there are financial pressures and this is a way of saving a year's rent and bills? Actually worth a lot :/ when you think about it. Some people are in very difficult situations. I hope she is OK.

@lightisnotwhite Ah I see. Thanks for the clarification. I only realised the date of the thread just before you posted!

Course you're not overreacting - it's bloody disgusting and the 18 year old is about to ruin her life by choosing a local uni and thinking about moving in with an almost 50yr old and his kids who are not too far from her own age. She shouldn't be flushing her life down the toilet like that. Hideous. I couldn't be mates with a man like that.

As a rough rule of thumb, half the older person's age plus seven often indicates the lower age limit for dating. Beyond this, you risk moving into "icky" territory.

So, if you're 14, half your age plus 7 is 14 - and dating someone your own age seems reasonable.

If you're 20, any younger than 17 does seem to breach the adult/child gap.

At 43, 28 is a reasonable lower limit and it would suggest that both have some life experience under their belt.

He's a long way outside that and I would have been as uncomfortable as you.

Both this friend and your husband are gross.

25 years and she's barely 18.

I would definitely not be looking at either man the same, particularly your husband with a daughter of 15.

They are both creeps🤢.

You sound lovely OP and reaching out to her is a really good thing to do.

It is very very wrong, and only displays his inadequacy that he is unable to find a partner with a similar amount of life experience/maturity to him.

I know of a 44 year old man who has been dating his 22 year old girlfriend for 2 years now.

A number of his friends have purposely distanced themselves from him, and questioned his motives, as it sounds like you are planning (quite rightly) to do from your friend.

My do would find it wierd and creepy if a friend got with an 18 year old so if I were you I’d be grossed out by your husband too.

DH! And he wouldnt be friends with them anymore.

No you're not over reacting. This is gross. It's on a par with dating your best friend's dad. Yuck.

The fact that he's brought attention to her age means that it's a 'thing' for him. Maybe a 'sugar daddy' thing. He gets off on it. Who'd want to be in a relationship with a creep like that?! She's vulnerable to losing the best years of her life on someone who'll turn into a dirty old man. I'd be making sure my own DP knew exactly how I felt about it.

Ewwww yuk. It's not a healthy age gap.

DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.
No he doesn't.

DP think you are stating facts which are inconvenient to his celebration of his mate pulling a teenager.
DP admires his mate for shagging his student, & dislikes you harshing his proxy buzz.
DP knew damn well the age gap is gross, which is why he neglected to tell you about it.
DP is endorsing a power-imbalanced relationship.
DP is enjoying the power-imbalance, which is why he kept making jokes/references the 18 year old is too young to understand.
DP was trying to rub your nose in it by continually pointing out that your ARE old enough to understand. As if your relative maturity is some kind of defect (which only affects you, not he & his sleazebag mate, curiously enough ...)
DP wishes he could pull like his mate.

Sorry OP.
You are not over-reacting.

You're a star to offer her the hand of friendship OP.

It's worrying that she's dumped her original university choice for this dick.
I wonder if she will end up shakced up in his house, cooking & cleaning for him?

You can only hope that she also immerses herself in university life, & sees what she is missing out on with her peers.

I can’t get over the comments that most men would be jealous of dating a teen. Just because your husbands may well be into that, please don’t fucking speak for everyone else’s. There is no way my husband or any of our male friends, bar one weirdo would be jealous of this.

think logically, if it was true all rich famous men would be dating teens. Very very few are. Younger much more adult women maybe, but not friggen 17/18 year olds.

whays actually wrong with people they’d think this.

They know a lot of weird pathetic fragile ego'd wrong uns.

Youlightupmyday. You seem to think it is your younger friends fault they split up. Can you not see that he is the one that is to blame for pursuing the relationship in the first place as the older person with way more experience. He went for a younger model. Who can blame her for doing the same thing?

I agree. And sorry OP, your husband’s attitude is creepy too.