Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

[pleaserecycleme]

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

I try hard not to judge people but some people really make it difficult not too.

It's not the age gap, if she was 28 and he was 53, I would consider it different.

I know it's legal but she barely just an adult,is lacking life experience and there's a clear imbalance. He also has zero consideration for his children here who she is much closer in age to.

I would also find hmit hard if my partner didn't see a problem with it.

When I was 18, I dated a 28 year old. Clearly saw nothing wrong with it and he wasn't even controlling or abusive. I just grew tired of him being less fun that guys my age. Looking back, it was really pathetic.

I give it 6 months after she starts uni when she realises what she's missing out on and dumps him

Also, I'm curious where her parents think she currently is? Do they know about him?

There are two separate issues;
1: the clear lack of respect and power imbalance. The conversation you describe was him asserting his power and highlighting things that she doesn’t know to make him feel more powerful and her less so. It is concerning that you dp joined in. This would be enough for me not to want to socialise with them or next time I would draw attention to what was happening and that it is disgraceful.
2: the age gap. I’m all for age gap relationships (I’m in one) but they have to be equal partners. This is not that. At 18 that gap would be difficult to bridge even if she were extremely clever, intelligent and emotionally mature.

That's nasty, and also wtaf is with your husband?

Pair of creeps.

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

You aren’t overreacting. They’re asking you to play along to normalise a relationship that they know is neither normal nor healthy. It’s particularly gross that they met through m a sport where they have a student-teacher relationship. No teacher, whether sport or ofherwise, has any ethics at all if they shag a student.

I’d ditch the friend and tell DP if he wants to be friends with an exploitative perv with no ethics that’s up to him but to leave me out of it.

The 18 yr old will probably look back on this situation and feel like she was exploited. (Demi Lovato sang about that actually - when she was 17 she had a relationship with a 29 yr old that she does not look back on fondly…)

Such a shame it’s influencing her university choice and potentially career opportunities.

Anyway. Ick.

Would your DP be happy for home to date your eldest child in three years?

Grim. Grim they made jokes about it. Grim he sees nothing wrong with dating someone a few years older than his kid. Just grim.

It would give me the ick if my partner didn't see a problem with it.

was waiting for this predictable bullshit.

Like fuck I would.

If she was going to a different uni, I’d agree. But he’s made her switch to one near him, so she can move in with him. So it is likely he will isolate her from her peers by encouraging her to come home to him instead of hanging out with people her own age.

Relatively high chance of her dropping out altogether, I would have thought. Certainly she won’t leave him while she is tied to living in his house to attend uni.

Nope not overreacting. That is not a man who is looking for an equal adult partnership.

I understand that the law has to have a clear cut off, and that 18 is an "adult". But it's still creepy for any 43yo to want to date someone less than half their age.

With that sort of age gap, there will almost certainly be a significant power imbalance. And it won't be in her favour.

So why is she choosing a university place now? She will have been offered and accepted, surely?

Actually I think this is a very good practical point, thank you. I'll reach out to her, privately through social media, and let her know if she ever wants to chat that I'm here. She may not need to, but even so.

Sorry, I see you've answered that

@PeppaPigIsAnnoying nope. I am 43, DS is just gone 19. I'd say you were a predator.

DP was 17 when he met his 38 year old ex, her DS was 16. DP moved 180 miles away to live with her and her DS. She was a teacher. I think she is a predator too. She is a disgusting person. And I low key think DP's parents were pretty terrible for not safeguarding their child. I have discussed this with most of my 30 and 40 something friends and the consensus is it is grim and he was abused. You are talking nonsense.

Bleurrgh. He, and your DP I'm afraid, are utter creeps.

And how sad for the poor girl - imagine spending your university years living with some old saddo and skivvying for him and his kids when your peers are out having unrestricted fun and developing their own personalities.

Very sad and disturbing taking advantage of a young girl.

Absolutely not. My response would be the same. The imbalance of power in this kind of age gap relationship makes it all shades of wrong.

This happened to me with a gay male friend. It was just so awkward socialising with them as they were so young and had no life experience! I don't blame you for not wanting to.

You are not overreacting in the slightest, @pleaserecycleme, and your dh’s friend is a creepy, predatory male.

Hopefully. Or, the more depressing alternative is that she isolates herself from all her classmates and makes no friends due to her relationship off campus and drops out and wastes her youth and potential on a middle aged pervert.

I wonder why she is dating him. Is she poor? Wants a roof over her head? She’s still a kid, poor thing.

Your DP and his friend are utterly revolting and no decent man would be jealous.

Sorry OP you sound lovely.

I am a 43 year old woman and no way would I go anywhere near an 18 year old. None of my friends of a similar age would either. It’s disgusting. M

They are barely an adult and he is a fully grown oneand it’s awful on @pleaserecycleme friend that he and her partner think this is ok! The dynamic of a teen at uni and a middle aged man with kids is all wrong.