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Original poster

Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

217 replies

pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:19

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 21/08/2022 17:35

He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

my opinion of my DP would be completely shaken if he took the stance that your DP has done. Disturbing

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 21/08/2022 17:36

Absolutely grim. Technically legal, but morally depraved.

Your dh is jealous. All the laughter over what she doesn't know because of her age is them fetishizing her youth. How young and inexperienced she is compared to these two worldly, mature men is making them feel so powerful and masculine. Gross.

OfficiallyBroken · 21/08/2022 17:36

It's abundantly clear from the derogatory conversations that your friend and DP had in the company of both you and this young woman that both men are enjoying the power imbalance this relationship has.

I'd have nothing to do with the friend again. He's clearly a creep who grooms young women because women his own age see whatever glaring issues he has as a long term partner.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure how I'd see past my partner's behaviour in your circumstances too. He's giving off creep vibes by his behaviour and omission of the age gap warning. It comes across that he wanted you to be uncomfortable too.

I'd also be leaning towards reporting the friend to the governing body for the sport. This does not speak highly of his suitability to be around young people in a role of authority.

Age gap relationships can be wonderful where people with equal power standing and ideas meet. This just sounds like a creepy middle age man getting his rocks off by grooming a young woman just as she's venturing properly into adulthood.

TheWeeDonkey · 21/08/2022 17:41

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

That's the same age gap between me and my son and his friends so no I would not.

I'd think you were grim and having some kind of mid life crisis

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 21/08/2022 17:42

breakuphelp · 21/08/2022 17:32

I wonder why she is dating him. Is she poor? Wants a roof over her head? She’s still a kid, poor thing.

Your DP and his friend are utterly revolting and no decent man would be jealous.

Sorry OP you sound lovely.

Daddy issues? Shit upbringing with not enough attention or love? I would've done the same as her at 18 as the idea of someone in a position of authority falling for me would make me feel so special and be proof that I am worthy of love and attention.

This is why the imbalance is so wrong.

Seaoftroubles · 21/08/2022 17:42

All kinds of wrong, but what's even more worrying for you to deal with is that your D.P thought that you were over reacting!

Creatingusernamesismygame · 21/08/2022 17:45

pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:19

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

What did you DP say when you asked him how he’d feel if his own DC turned 18 and went off with a man in his 40s?
You are not being unreasonable or over reacting. My opinion of my friend would greatly change if he did the same. He wouldn’t be welcome around ours again that’s for sure.

Smilingwithfangs · 21/08/2022 17:49

If he teaches the sport at a regional level and she’s a student then I suspect the sports governing body might not see this in a positive light

dread to think what her parents make of it too

tbh aside your friend is verging on ….not sure what word I want here….abusive?….I would be seriously questioning where my DH was at if he reacted the way yours has. How can he not see this is wrong? How on earth did he imagine you would feel comfortable with a cosy little foursome?

the age is bad enough, the teacher/student thing very dodgy and the whole giving up her planned future to shack up together is ringing massive alarm bells.

not sure what you can do other than keep saying you want to be no part of it.

Gingerkittykat · 21/08/2022 17:50

He is a disgusting creep.

Is there any way you can hold out a hand of friendship to the girl so she knows there is someone who will listen to her and potentially help if it turns sour? She is in a very vulnerable position.

Endlesslypatient82 · 21/08/2022 17:53

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

Speak for yourself, perhaps amongst your peers or the thread you read but I know no one that would think a 43 year old female getting together with a “young” 18 year who she sports coaches would best thing other than… grim

likepeddlesonabeach · 21/08/2022 17:59

You know you’re not overreacting, she’s a child and he’s the parent of a child not much younger than she is. Hard to imagine how a parent of a teenager could see an 18 year old as anything other than a kid.
One day this girl will likely look back on this relationship with horror and anger at him plus any other adults who normalised this, don’t be one of them.

NorthFaceofthelaundrypile · 21/08/2022 18:05

Coming on to say similar to @Smilingwithfangs - I’m surprised he is happy to risk having the accusation of grooming levelled against him, given that he was no doubt her coach before she reached 18.

Gnr24 · 21/08/2022 18:07

That's disgusting, I have an 18 dd and I would be horrified if this was her , it makes me question what her life at home is like . As I know my daughter thinks her parents are 'old' being 42 , so couldn't possibly imagine what she could see in him , I thinks she's really vulnerable.
I'd seriously question why your Dp thinks this is ok.
I don't think all men would be jealous I know my dp would never see an 18 yr old as a girlfriend, even though 18 is a young adult they are still children in many ways just starting out in the world.
Grim

mackthepony · 21/08/2022 18:09

I'd be unfriending the old creep and seriously rethinking dh.

Absolutely begs belief

SizzlerFizzler · 21/08/2022 18:10

I would be a bit unsettled if my own husband didn't see anything wrong with a man in his mid 40s having a sexual relationship with an 18 year old. But who'd no doubt quake at the idea of his own daughter being in a similar situation in a couple of years time. Other people's daughters are fair game however.

So many 'nice guy' men will be slapping him on the back for this no doubt.

Justleaveitblankthen · 21/08/2022 18:12

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

There was just such a thread very recently. Can't remember the exact ages, but the OP was bored and married. I don't remember many PPS being in favour, not just because of her husband either..

mackthepony · 21/08/2022 18:13

I'm 40 and all 18 year old look like my son (aged 8). So no, I wouldn't be saying go for it.

As a PP said, the word grim springs to mind

A580Hojas · 21/08/2022 18:13

Absolute ICK in every single way if this is true. Utterly revolting. Although not that much different to Nick Knowles, Michael Sheen, Jack Nicholson, Rupert Murdoch et al.

But 18 and on her way to Uni? Just awful, awful, awful.

Original poster
pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 18:13

I should probably clarify that he isn't her teacher, he teaches the sport, she competes and they met at regional competitions. So he hasn't been teaching her in that kind of teacher-student relationship as they don't leave near each other.

I admit the more I think about it the more I'm dismayed with DP aswell. He didn't really answer me when I asked him how he would feel if it was his daughter.

I've sent her a friend request via social media so extended a hand if need be.

OP posts:
idiotmagnet · 21/08/2022 18:13

I dated a 40 yr old from age 16-19. I'm now middle aged and am still dealing with the effects. Whatever she may think the relationship is, it's not that.

Pbbananabagel · 21/08/2022 18:14

This is genuinely horrific, for the 18yr old and also for his children, the 15yr old is going to very swiftly hate their dad for a start.

A580Hojas · 21/08/2022 18:16

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

Don't spout bollocks like this, it makes you look daft.

Maireas · 21/08/2022 18:20

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

bullshit

Maltester71 · 21/08/2022 18:20

It’s weird but it happens.

can totally understand you not wanting to socialise with a teenager as ‘equals’

also I doubt it will last

twoqueens · 21/08/2022 18:27

Of course it's gross.
I would also be pissed off and grossed out if I were you that my DP thought it was perfectly ok. Pure misogyny.

Poor girl/women missing out on the full Uni experience because she's playing house with a dirty old man and his kids.