Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

[pleaserecycleme]

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

Maybe I'm unusual but I think even if she was 25 it would be gross.

Still massively questionable but not as categorically gross as an 18 yr old.

I was making shit decisions when I was 25 but at 18 they the things I felt and did could barely even be classified as decisions.

Oh absolutely, 18 is another level.. Grim grim grim. Just saying all these posts saying it'd be okay if she was 25.. I don't agree.

You are not overreacting at all. Not only is he 25 years older than her, but they met in a context where he's in a position of authority over her (he teaches the sport, she's a student).

It's gross, and I would be distancing myself from him big time.

Why does your DP think it's okay?

Back in '79 I met my love at 2am in a 24hr laundry in Earls Court Rd. The boss came from the back and fixed my coin jam. 3mths later we married. 17 and 42. We have two adult sons and 3 grandkids and he is still perfect to me.
This guy sounds different in a bad way.... 'DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them' is totally patronising and insulting to the gf. It'd bother me she didn't realise that. She sounds immature and the bf likely doesn't care about her thoughts and well-being. Maybe he views her as a 'trophy'. She needs to mature before her next relationship imo.
If op is uncomfortable maybe her partner can see his friend elsewhere?

Some people are more mature by the time they're 18 than others are at 30yo. Each situation is different

Very gross and I wouldn't think too much of DP having a laugh seeming to lap it up, maybe a little jealous of his friend.

I couldn’t have sat there. Or at least I’d have had to loudly say ‘oh you’re almost the same age as our Emily - she went to x school, maybe you know her, you would have been in secondary together! Same school age as your daughter too, eh Steve!’

It’s repulsive. I would be disgusted at my husband if he even tolerated it in his presence. I mean what about when he breaks up with this girl? Your daughter’s in his sights - easy access with a dad who thinks it’s fine for men to have intense sexual relationships with teens. But love is love etc.

Situations are different, but every 18 year old is 18 and every 45 year old is 45. People always love to say ‘oh but she’s a mature 18 year old’ as if it matters. If maturity is what you’re after there’s plenty of mature 45 year olds. Let the 18 year old date a mature 18 year old.

That's a whole lot of hell fucking no right there.

Someone mentioned no one would care if she was 30 and he was 55 but many of us of do;I was very different at 30 as a grown adult woman with a decent amount of adult life experience and all that comes with it under than my belt than I was as a 18 year naive teenager who hadn't live away from home and had barely left college who knew very little about adulthood.

I'm sorry but your friend is a predator.

Is this bizarre 'relationship' still ongoing op? @pleaserecycleme

I'm not advocating it, but when it's roles reversed, the ladies are known as cougars.

What is it with men going after little girls? I don’t understand it 18 year olds look like babies to me! I would be disgusted at H for being 2nd hand involved as well.

Love is love 🤣 I doubt this has anything to do with love!

Creepy fucker and it would be just as bad if it was the male who was only 18

I can understand your perspectives, but the same with some older ladies going for younger men, and the ladies getting the nickname of cougars.
both sides can be just as bad.

When the roles are reversed we say “ew! Looks at that saggy old lady with that woman’s son.”

You're right though, it is a double-standard there should be derision for EVERYONE!

Very good point

It's predatory behavior, I would speak to your husband and then tell the friend straight how his choice in partner is not condoned or appropriate and avoid him.

Why reboot this 3 month old* thread @Kajira - perhaps that 25 year age gap was acceptable to you 43 years ago, but is that relevant in 2022?

• is a recent ish old thread still a zombie? vampire? 🧛🏼‍♀️

Id say it's semi zombie, but not fully umbrella zombie.

Ewww vile sugar daddy much?

I would broadly agree that the age difference is too much, and I would not be happy about this relationship if that was my child.

However, my mother was just 18 when she married my dad who was twice her age. They were devoted to each other, were always together and were only separated by death after 40-odd years of marriage. Before they got married, the pastor asked dad why a fine looking man like him hadn't been married years ago, and he said, "I never met the right girl before". My father didn't have a romantic bone in his body!

Mum always said that while it worked out for her, she wouldn't allow any of us children to be in a similar situation...?!

Zombie thread but 🤮🤮🤮🤮 what a predator, that is vile.

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-11397323/Meet-cougar-Chers-new-bad-boy-Amber-Roses-36-year-old-ex-helping-singer-turn-time-76.html?adobe_mc=TS%3D1667788699

If he cared for her he would want her to have the full Uni experience and date and socialise with her peer group. He's taking advantage of her sexually and she's playing grown ups. I would not want to be around him. Really gross.