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Original poster

Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

217 replies

pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:19

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Clubtropicana10 · 21/08/2022 18:28

MadonnasKebab · 21/08/2022 16:22

not really anything to do with you as you know. If you don’t want to be a part of their social life don’t be. Are you expecting your partner not to socialise with them also?

Are you a man?

Hollol7864 · 21/08/2022 18:30

My sister was that 18 year old dating someone in their forties. It ended badly for both parties. She was very stupid in her choices but also very naive to the manipulation.

AuntMasha · 21/08/2022 18:30

I had a relationship with a 30 year old when I was 16. When I brought this episode of my life up during therapy, the (male) therapist said, “and what do you think about a 30 year old man dating a 16 year old now?” and I said “Ugh, it’s creepy” and he said, “yes, it is.”

I couldn’t see it at the time, because I was young, inexperienced and naïve, but he exploited and used me. It’s never a relationship of equals when one party is an adult and the other a teen.

tribpot · 21/08/2022 18:37

I'm amazed her parents aren't up in arms about her switching uni to be near her middle-aged boyfriend and playing house with him and his kids.

I think the fact they were drawing attention to you getting some of their 40-something jokes was to big her up and do you down, you're not a young bit of stuff like her. But you don't mention that explicitly so I may be reading too much into it - it still sounds creepy and rude, to be talking about stuff she wouldn't understand.

I truly hope for her sake that she gets one whiff of freshers' week and dumps this sad old git pronto. At which point she will need some help finding accommodation, so I think @TwoWeeksislong 's suggestion is great.

I have a 17 year old son and I would hit the roof if he took up with a 42 year old. It's grim beyond belief.

EarthSight · 21/08/2022 18:49

@PeppaPigIsAnnoying Yes I can see you know a lot about women 🙄🤔

Kione · 21/08/2022 18:50

TwoWeeksislong · 21/08/2022 17:10

He’s revolting.
Don’t stop socializing with them though. Offer to take her out to coffee or something and give her your phone number and say something vague about first year of uni being hard and sometimes it’s nice to have a fresh set of listening ears.
If the relationship goes south (which is likely if he expects her to play stepmum to his teen and preteen kids) then she’ll have you as a contact in your town and while she sorts out some new accommodation through uni.

Absolutely this.

Livpool · 21/08/2022 18:54

That is grim - I know she is an adult but he sounds like a groomer.

DoctorManhattan · 21/08/2022 18:54

I’m a 44yr old man so similar in age to this guy, and I just cannot fathom going out with an 18yr old. I can’t even imagine going out with a 28yr old. It’s creepy and weird, and that applies whether it’s a ‘normal’ guy off the street or some A-list celeb.

I have neighbours whose daughters are this age and there is absolutely nothing in common between them and a man my age; even jokes and humour are different. The flip side is that I also can’t fathom how a girl that age is attracted to a 43yr old man, even acknowledging that some people like older partners.

2anddone · 21/08/2022 18:59

That's given me the real 'Ick' I am a similar age and can't imagine dating one of ds friends Envy(not envy!!)

Snugglemonkey · 21/08/2022 19:02

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

I absolutely wouldn't. I have no issues with an age gap, my partner is 18 years older than me but not if one partner is 18. They have no life experience and that absolutely results in a power differential that is uncomfortable.

If the younger partner were male, I would say the same thing. An 18 year old is barely even an adult. They absolutely have not finished maturing. What is wrong with an adult who wants to date a child?

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/08/2022 19:09

It’s a bit weird.

It’s not responsible of him to encourage her organise her Uni / life choices around him. At this stage she should be running around having lots of different life experiences, not playing happy families with an old man and another woman’s teens. A fling with an older guy is one thing, but a proper relationship it can never be. Not just because it’s a 25 year gap, but because at that age that gap is even bigger.

That’s what I would say to DH if I were you, in the hope that he will make the point to his mate. I wouldn’t comment on it further and no need for you to socialise with them if you don’t want to (although I think my mother hen would take over and I’d want to keep an eye on her)

Namechanger355 · 21/08/2022 19:14

This is so disgusting

so he was 33 when she was 8

and 18 is no age at all! Either this is mid life crisis territory or he is an out right creep around young girls

i couldn’t be in the same room as them either tbh so yanbu

and Sorry but think your husband is being a bit odd about it too unless he is just being polite

diamondpony80 · 21/08/2022 19:23

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

I’m 42 and my son and his friends are 18. That’s disgusting. 18 might be legally an adult but is very little more than a child.

rhowton · 21/08/2022 20:13

Gross. It would change my opinion of them.

Kernowfet · 21/08/2022 20:15

Wrong ugh. Sorry, my fiancé did this, at 39 he went off with a 19 year old he worked with. She looked about 15. Just wrong.

Cattenberg · 21/08/2022 20:38

In the late 80s (long before I knew him), my ex dated a 16-year-old colleague when he was 28. When I found out, I thought it was dodgy and posted about it on another women’s forum. Almost everyone thought I was making an issue out of nothing - in fact they decided I was a troll! It was the polar opposite of Mumsnet.

Anyway, I don’t think the relationship in the OP sounds healthy at all. I hope this 18-year-old sees sense and leaves this belittling creep.

thelongconmom · 21/08/2022 20:56

SizzlerFizzler · 21/08/2022 16:26

Absolutely disgusting. Creepy groomer.

This.
your reacting this way because you are identifying with the girl,
your dh is acting fine with it because he is identifying with the groomer.

thelongconmom · 21/08/2022 20:58

I think if she was 25-30 it would be acceptable but a really young woman is just sickening to be honest.

Feetache · 21/08/2022 21:33

Just hope she doesn't decide to get pregnant

Leomii81 · 21/08/2022 21:45

No this is wrong she's way to young and he should know better

Ladylovesbooks · 21/08/2022 22:42

Luluissleeping · 21/08/2022 16:41

He has a 15 year old child and is dating an 18 year old who might move in. Yuck.

makes me wonder if looks at his 15 yr old daughters friends as potential partners … oh hang on that’s right guys like that only suddenly get turned on the day the GIRL turns legal age…..Yeah right

and your husband is ok with that ? I’d be asking hubs if he thinks his friend has a switch that makes him only interested once they hit legal age?
id be VERY concerned about any man who didn’t see that as a major issue . And wasn’t already asking those questions tbh

Fortuny · 21/08/2022 22:47

Ugh. Revolting. I really hope she can get some distance and headspace with her move to uni, I'd be worried he'd try to dominate it (travel home on weekends etc) or use financial support to guarantee her dependency on him.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/08/2022 22:52

I would loose a huge amount of respect for a friend of this age if they dated an 18 year old. There is absolutely nothing in this for her and the thought of this girl changing her uni plans to be with this older man saddens me.
I would be shocked if my husband came away from a situation like this without having an reservations about it.

I know you said he wasn’t her teacher specifically, but the fact he was a teacher involved in an event where she was a student is very dodgy. I assume it was an event for children/young people?

I would 100% not socialise with them. I just wouldn’t want to hang out with an 18 years old or more specifically the dirty old man dating the 18 year old.

hotdiggetydog · 21/08/2022 23:08

SizzlerFizzler · 21/08/2022 17:00

a favourite refrain of groomers and groomees.

Show quote history

Shout out to all the actual victims of crime you have disrespected there. Bravo.

Ladylovesbooks · 21/08/2022 23:21

hotdiggetydog · 21/08/2022 23:08

Shout out to all the actual victims of crime you have disrespected there. Bravo.

Show quote history

So you clearly do not understand that something doesn’t have to be a crime to be very very wrong!

and no it’s not love …. Love involves having things in common , have an equal power balance and not exploiting another person who is in a much weaker place that you

im guess you’re a man Considering you think someone old enough to be. a grandfather dating someone who is barely out of childhood is ok

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