Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

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DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

How would your DP feel if one of his kids ditched their uni choice to move to be with him. He’s letting her miss out on. A major life experience to play house. It’s so wrong of him.
I would make that clear to him and refuse to meet again.

No, you aren’t.
When I was 25, I dated a man who was 45. We had absolutely nothing in common. Different music, different decades, different views on almost every subject, different everything.
It didn’t seem to bother him but it bothered me. I was uncomfortable for us both, because he was very wealthy - I felt like everyone who knew us thought that he was with me for my youth and I was with him for his money.
I broke it off after only a few months.

My friend, who i met when she was 28, at 19 met a guy who was 42. She was however very sophisticated and driven for her age but still 19. They married had kids then she started her career properly and is now an incredible high flyer. However at 32, she left him as at 55 he was beginning to get old. She is now with someone her own age and tbh the writing was on the wall.

She will defend all her actions to the hilt and was once furious when i said if my eldest was 19 and brought home a 42 year old I would have been off about the whole thing. She was absolutely sure that she had been fine and right. Tbh, the end of their marriage was written on the wall but many marriages break down and they were together 13 years.

However, he is broken by the divorce and now 57, divorced with two under 10s and trying not be angry and bitter. We are still friends with him too but the whole thing is v sad. And had an obvious ending. He is also supper bitter about the younger guy, I guess because that was his biggest fear.

So wrong, DH would find that really creepy too.

Just yuck. I’m with you. She’s a child to him…or at least, she should be. Gross.

Massively creepy and your dp is a worry too. I would be dropping that friend immediately.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now

Good for you. Don't enable the self-entitled perve.

Zombie thread but 🤮🤮🤮🤮 what a predator, that is vile

Yay, he's now 70 and she's now 45 and gets mistaken for 35. Ick.

It’s very clearly not OK, but she’s going to get to university – full of attractive people her own age – and see immediately what she’s missing out on. She won’t be moving in; if she does, she’ll soon get sick of juggling being a student with being a stepmum figure. Uni is for finding yourself, not becoming what someone else needs.

I suspect she is vulnerable, perhaps not close to her family

at 18 she's naturally vulnerable anyway especially towards older and more experienced/matured adults.

However if he had been 55 and she had been 30 I wouldnt have blinked

it's not the age gap though that's the problem, it's the fact that the gf is 18. There is a world of difference between an 18 yo andf a 30 yo. 30 is pretty much matured adult but 18 is still very much a child. Many 18 yos are still physically growing.

Since this thread started in August & OP hasn't updated since August & the couple live far apart, haven't they broke up by now? Surely she's browsing & sampling the young (male) totties at her Uni by now.

I'd be open-minded.
I don't like infantalising young adults, saying they can't know what they're doing.
I've had relatives & friends (young adults) who liked older guys.

However, my mother was just 18 when she married my dad who was twice her age. They were devoted to each other, were always together and were only separated by death after 40-odd years of marriage

for people who keep saying this the standards were somewhat different in the 60s and 70s. It's different today and many things that were excusable decades ago aren't today.

In your situation I be more concerned about my partner reaction to this relationship. Sounds like your partner thinks its ok and was making slight digs at you, being the older woman at the table.

OP, you say this friend has DC aged 10-15, presumably not girls?

Everything about this is wrong. I’m wondering if he’s always had a thing for younger/underage girls and this is what contributed to the breakdown of his marriage.

I know age is just a number but he is old enough to be her dad! I’d find it really odd as well, she is still a child, she should be having fun at uni and not restricting herself to a much older man, I can’t imagine his eldest child is comfortable with their fathers GF only being a few years older than them.

urgh, didn’t realise it was an old thread

I would also feel uncomfortable, 18 is a very young adult and you're right about the power imbalance. I believe a person can fall for someone of a totally different age but needs to sometimes have the responsibility to say this isn't right for her.

However would I break friends with him? I don't know it depends on how I feel about him generally.

And it's not your husband's family, he isn't doing it. In an ideal world he would agree with you but some people are very loyal to their friends. Or some don't like to criticise, or hope it's a phase. I wouldn't judge your husband for his friend's actions, though I also get it, I would struggle.

I meant to write it's not your husband's fault, autocorrects to family on my phone!

Not true. My DS will be 18 for several months before he finishes yr13.

It's gross gross gross. Extra gross at 18 but even big age gaps when someone is 30 is grim.

Yeah it's weird and YANBU. At 18 I had no idea who I was and was still immature. I think I'd be telling dh that you're distancing yourself from this because it's massively inappropriate and odd.

It probably won't last though so hopefully it won't be a big fallout.

I’m not against age differences but a naive immature girl pre university is a bad choice, he is taking advantage of her.

It is an oldish thread but would be interesting to know if the relationship is still going. I hope for the poor girls sake it’s fizzled out and she isn’t living with him. The thought of my 14 year old dating a man of that age, 4 years time gives me the absolute creeps. I personally, could not be friends with a guy dating a girl that young, it’s wrong.

This thread was started in August. Most courses finish in June/July so ChadlersDad wondering why the girlfriend hadn’t finished College given she was 18.