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Original poster

Friend aged 43 dating an 18 year old

217 replies

pleaserecycleme · 21/08/2022 16:19

DP and I have a mutual friend who is a similar age to us. He is divorced, with kids aged 10-15, and we've been friends with him for a few years now. In that time he's had a couple of relationships, one serious and we helped him through that very difficult breakup. All these relationships have been with women of a similar age to us aswell.

He recently got a new girlfriend, his first since the serious relationship breakup, and contacted DP wanting to meet us for a drink so he could introduce her.

We met last night, and I admit I was shocked when he arrived with an 18 year old woman. A very young looking 18 year old too, who was lovely although seemed young for her age aswell. Turns out DP knew her age but didn't tell me, which in itself I find odd.

Friend and girlfriend seem to get on well, they met through a mutual sport that he teaches and she is a student of. She mentioned that she is about to choose her university for this September, and that she has decided she is going to go to the one in our town (she lives about 100 miles away with her family). The driver being clearly to move into friend's house with him and his kids.

Although it was all pleasant enough, I found the whole situation unsettling. DP and friend kept making jokes about things she was too young to understand, then saying things like 'oh but you're too young' and then pointing out that I would understand them. She didn't seem bothered by this but I found it uncomfortable and not impressed with DP's behaviour or friend's.

I had a chat with DP afterwards and said I found it all a bit 'icky', surely there would be a power imbalance and in honesty I found it a bit difficult socialising with them. He's dismissed what I said, saying 'as long as they're happy', which I can understand, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Our own children are mid teens and I pointed out he wouldn't be happy if in a couple of years one of them started dating a much older man and moved away to be with him.

I've said I don't really want to socialise with friend now, although he has always been nice and girlfriend was lovely. DP thinks I'm completely overreacting.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
SizzlerFizzler · 21/08/2022 23:24

hotdiggetydog · 21/08/2022 23:08

Shout out to all the actual victims of crime you have disrespected there. Bravo.

Show quote history

Nah, I just recognise creeps looking to excuse predatory behavior with cheesy soundbites.

hugefanofcheese · 21/08/2022 23:28

Yes she's an adult but this gap is too big and disproportionately affects them given their ages for the relationship to be healthy and equal. If he genuinely cared about this 18 year old then he has more than enough life experience to be encouraging her to take up her own choice of university and to see if it worked in slower time, not push her into clipping her wings and staying local so as to be available to him.

I'd be upset at DP's reaction though. Comparing you to her (re the age thing) was not pleasant behaviour. Do you reckon he could have been drawing attention to her age to try and wake his friend up?

I would also suggest adding her on SM and making it clear you're available to talk, I'd word it such that she can speak to you if she needs to talk about anything so it's clear you're not just adding her as a new member of the friendship group. Might sound patronising but she might not have much support and be glad of it if the reality of turning down her choice of uni and big adventure to another city for a middle aged dad dawns on her.

Palmfrond · 21/08/2022 23:41

18 year olds still have the whiff of nappies on them. And he’s got kids of his own in their mid-teens? Gross.

And as a man in his 40s myself I’d also be really concerned as to why an 18 year old would be interested in me. Even if they were a very worldly and mature 18 I’d be wondering “why is this kid so worldly and mature?” I mean, god forgive me, but mid-20s with a career and their own car, in my sad little fantasies, maybe.
And making serious decisions like choice of university based on this relationship? It’s not good.
If I were the OPs DH, I would tell the friend, and I know this does not address the situation in terms of the 18 year old benefit, but I’d tell him that a) he’s making himself look like a tit. It’s a near equivalent to just waking up one day and deciding at the age of 45 that a leather jacket and cowboy boots are now a good look. But with paedo vibes.
And b) It will end badly. For him.
And c) is very unethical.

Ladylovesbooks · 21/08/2022 23:48

SizzlerFizzler · 21/08/2022 23:24

Nah, I just recognise creeps looking to excuse predatory behavior with cheesy soundbites.

Show quote history

Absolutely !!!!

Justine878 · 22/08/2022 00:03

I can understand why you are uncomfortable with your husbands reaction. My husband had a friend, who I never liked. His relationship stories were always just "off", I was spotting red flags all over the place, but he was my DHs friend, and I left them to it.

When (the friend) was maybe 38/39, he started going out with a 21 year old, and he would joke he had worked out this was the perfect age, and he was going to keep going out with women who were 21 or younger. My husband didn't withdraw immediately... but it was maybe a week later he just "got the ick" (for want of a better term but it fits) and couldn't stomach spending time with him.
The friendship was over. He said later he was uncomfortable a lot but kept ignoring it until he couldn't any more.

But the way your husband was with the girlfriend makes me wonder if that will happen here.

I would give it a little time to see how it lies?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/08/2022 00:32

Not weird to feel icky about at all. I felt odd about the fact one of my friends in his early thirties started dating a 19 year old and found myself distancing myself from him. They’re still together several years later but I still find it all a bit weird and there’s something about their relationship that doesn’t quite seem right when I do occasionally see them together.

Foronenightonly22 · 22/08/2022 00:40

Oh bone - dirty old man.

Foronenightonly22 · 22/08/2022 00:40

Boke!

VillaMia · 22/08/2022 00:50

Icky is exactly the word that came to mind as I was reading your post. I think it gets ickier on learning that he teaches her in a sport - an uncomfortable blurring of boundaries.

OP, YANBU. Your reaction seems reasonable and I understand why your DP’s response has concerned you too.

BornBlonde · 22/08/2022 03:52

He sounds disgusting

daretodenim · 22/08/2022 06:23

If he recently got this girlfriend, was she even 18 when they met?

I'd be reporting it to the sports governing body too. When they break up, there needs to be an eye kept on him - there are always more 18-year olds 🤢

Re the uni change. When I was 18 by two weeks I got a boyfriend who was 19. He changed his uni options from oxbridge to my town. His mother was livid thinking I was manipulating him. I wasn't - it hadn't even occurred to me! When I found this all out, I was flattered but I tried to make him include oxbridge on his UCAS form. Even as an 18 year old I knew you don't want someone to choose their uni based on your new relationship.

Your friend is already treating her badly. Letting her impact her whole future so he can have a young body. Disgusting.

I am also wondering, however, if he's a Sugar Daddy??? Coukd that be at play here too? Maybe not a purely transactional one, but partially at least? Lines blurred?? He's unlikely to admit to DH that he's paying her to be there so maybe no way of knowing.

Isthisreasonable · 22/08/2022 07:46

Don't suppose the ex wife is thrilled about it either. So in a couple of years when the gf has hopefully dumped him, is your DP really happy that your kids might be eyed up to replace her?

It would really give me the ick about DP. It's all kinds of wrong.

dottiedodah · 22/08/2022 08:06

PeppaPigisannoying Makes no difference which way round ,its still wrong and all kinds of yuck! Power imbalance. A 40 year old is old enough to be a parent to their younger partner and that puts the youngster at a disadvantage to me.Cue all sorts of smutty jokes about a "sexual education" for the youngster when they should be learning equally with a young person of a similar age/experience to them .I would be concerned if I thought my partner was "jealous" of a friends RL with a teenager only a couple of years over the age of consent!

Endlesslypatient82 · 22/08/2022 08:16

How long have you been with your DP?
How old are you kids?
what is your relationship like anyway?

custardbear · 22/08/2022 08:25

That's just wrong! I remember a family member
Going out with someone who was 26 and he was about 43 ish at the time and that was icky too - 18 and a teacher of this person is bordering on abuse of trust

surreygirl1987 · 22/08/2022 09:29

Good grief. No, that's really creepy.

surreygirl1987 · 22/08/2022 09:31

Yes this is creepy. However if he had been 55 and she had been 30 I wouldnt have blinked

Yes but that argument makes no sense. If someone is 12 and someone is 18, that's obviously a problem but that's only a 6 year age gap which when they're older (say 40 and 46) is nothing. But context is everything here - the point is she is only 18 and he could easily be her father.

1985jf · 22/08/2022 09:35

3 years older than his own child….ew

Abraxan · 22/08/2022 09:52

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

No I really wouldn't.
It would still be creepy if the sexes were reversed. Vile, infact.

This young woman only finished school a few weeks ago. What on earth would a 43y man have in common with someone who is barely an adult, and only 3 years older than their own child?

I'm also concerned about the relationship status with him being teacher at the sports club she goes to and her being a student there.

Abraxan · 22/08/2022 10:01

I'd need to have a very serious conversation with my partner if he thought this was okay. It's so not okay.

Fortunately dh would also find this horrible too. Our dd and her friends are young adults. They still seem like kids in so many ways - students, partying, needing parental support both financially and emotionally, etc. even a couple of her friends who have worked for a good couple of years seem so young still. Neither of us could ever see those kids (technically adults) in that kind of way. It feels grim ever having to try to think about it.

Naunet · 22/08/2022 10:12

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 21/08/2022 17:18

If it was a 43 yr old woman on here saying an 18 yr old lad at work is interested in me, I'm single and fancy some fun you'd all be saying yeah, go for it

Oh sure, because it’s well known that it’s more socially acceptable for a older woman to date a younger man than it is an older man to date a younger woman?! You must live in a parallel universe to me.

It’s creepy, and I for one would be judging him and distancing myself from him. He’s going to move her into a house with his 15 year old daughter, to play at being step mum? So selfish.

Ffsjustltb · 22/08/2022 10:19

I would have serious concerns about his children. It's not in any way good or healthy for them to be part of this. Do they have their mum about?

Ladylovesbooks · 22/08/2022 10:21

Oh sure, because it’s well known that it’s more socially acceptable for a older woman to date a younger man than it is an older man to date a younger woman?! You must live in a parallel universe to me.

Lol exactly I guess that’s the same universe pepped living in where mens bodies are used in a multi billion dollar porn industry that is regularly caught degrading men and with illegal content that harms men and boys
the same one where men are at more risk of being assaulted and murdered by their female partners that’s anyone else
and where men are constantly subjected to sexual harassment in the workplace , in social environments and online

Palmfrond · 22/08/2022 11:42

A 43 year old woman shagging an 18 year old boy is still pretty gross, and there is definitely potential for damage and abuse, but it’s really not the same. Lots of parallels, but not the same.

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 22/08/2022 12:20

I think both your husband and your friend are entering mid life crisis territory here with a big dollop of misogyny on top. That weird playing up the age gap between YOU and her (not him and her) as if it's some kind of competition between the two of you - making you both probably feel shit in the process and they're in the middle chortling. Clearly they mistakenly think men are forever young whereas women lose value with age.

You can't stop the "friend" doing what he's doing, but in your place I would avoid meeting with him out of pure disgust, and I'd have this out with my own partner and put him right about e.g. what grooming is.