Do I leave or stay? I'm 31 and expecting a proposal but am worried that my bf's temper will affect our marriage in the future

[tara678]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

Throughout these 4 years I have been pretty happy. We do fight like all couples but make up after that. My boyfriend is extremely hot-tempered so when we do fight he tends to shout / raises his voice at me / sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me. I am however the complete opposite of him - I'm patient, soft spoken and hardly show any temper so whenever his temper flares up, it really hurts me and I just end up crying.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change - over the years I have seen some improvement but I understand it is hard to get somebody to change 180 in such a short span of time. He has promised to control his temper but I know changes like this don't happen immediately.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood. He is also always the one who apologises first whenever we fight. He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

My concern however is that it could potentially get worse in the future because work stress will definitely increase as you move up in your career - What happens when we get married and he is unable to change because of the increasing work stress and we just end up fighting everyday? And I always get hurt because I have less of a temper and am more patient. What happens if we have kids?? My future kids will have to witness us fighting and seeing Daddy lash out at their Mummy? I don't want that for my future kids.

Should I re-consider this relationship? I'm also 31 this year and am worried I may not be able to find someone else in time to start a family - I'm 31 so I don't have much time left to start over.

Leave. You have to. You cannot happily live with someone with a temper.

Sorry but I don't think you should marry or have children with him. Arguments and anger get worse when you add children, sleep deprivation, tantrums etc into the mix.

I think you should be very glad ypu are not married and run. And I almost never say that. But it's not just about your kids witnessing it, what happens when he loses his temper with them? Babies are hard hard work, and children (whilst an absolute delight) are constantly doing things you wish they wouldn't. What happens when they spill their breakfast / wee on him / throw up on his favourite clothes / scream when he has a headache and wants to be left alone?

He won't change. They never change. Walk away.

FWIW I met my now husband at 34 and had my wonderful little girl at 37 (well; two weeks before I turned 38) so you have lots of time. He was worth the wait, An amazing father and a really wonderful husband.

Don't settle for a man who has such a bad temper he makes you cry. You're an adult, imagine how that would make a child feel.

Leave.
It doesn't get better, and then you're trapped.

DONT. !! Things will get worse

Does he shout at his boss and punch the chair next to him? If not, then he can control his temper perfectly well already.....if he feels it is important enough to do so.

No. This man isn’t what you want. You don’t need someone who makes you cry and ‘lashes out’ at you.

You are still young. You have every chance of meeting someone else. Do not marry this man.

Nope. That won't get better. Don't go for sunken costs fallacy. Just because you've been with him/you've talked about it doesn't mean you're committed - it's ok to change your mind about wanting to marry him. The fact that you're on here asking is a clue to how you're really feeling. This isn't good enough and you don't have to accept it.

No it's a deal breaker , you'd be constantly trying to pacify him to keep him calm. Nor would I want children with someone who can't control his temper

Oh my god. Run. Seriously. Do not get married to or have children with someone who has anger issues.

Leave.

Do NOT marry a man with a violent temper. Run!

His behaviour is abusive - shouting and punching things is to intimidate you so you won't challenge him/ disagree with him again. Please leave and keep yourself safe.

It will only get worse. He's on his best behavior now. End it or you will be the inanimate object someday. And do not put your future children in a situation like this.

At 31 you have enough time to find someone else, marry and have children...easily.

He's not punching pillows to release frustration, he's doing it to show he's capable of violence to get you to 'behave'. 31 is young and if you want to have a family, the sooner you leave the better.

Please listen to the advice here and leave. This takes on a whole new dimension when he is shouting and punching things while you hold a baby. It WILL happen.

Stop waiting for him to make this ok, he never will.

Don't stay.
Having children will make his work stress seem like child's play. It would be irresponsible to have your child's father treat you like this plus it's highly likely he'd do the same to your kids. The terror you left child will feel when daddy loses his shit will be more terrifying for them plus if you split after they are born, they will be forced to spend time alone with him. it will be easier for you to overcome his verbal abuse than for your child

And yes shouting is reason enough to end a relayionshio. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Don’t walk away - run! He won’t improve and it’s not fair to bring kids into a house with man with a violent temper.

He doesn't do this at work, does he? He doesn't shout at his colleagues or punch the wall in front of his boss, does he?

So he CAN control it. He just doesn't want to.

It will get worse. It will get more frequent, and it will get more physical because it can and because it makes him feel good. I bet it is already happening more and more often. You will not be able to protect your children by being calm and crying and trying to reason with him.

Just leave now and save yourself the sad, broken years that are coming for you. And for your future reference, the best time to leave a relationsip is the very first time something like this happens. It is NEVER acceptable, not once, no matter what the 'reason' and no matter what promises he makes. The fact that you are even contemplating marrying this man shows the danger of excusing that first time.

It's not true that all couples fight. I wouldn't want a daughter or niece of mine to marry a man like this.

This exactly. Don't go through with the marriage. At the very least separate while he does an anger management course but, if that is his personality it will always be there lurking in the background.

I have a young DD and I have always told her never to date a man with a temper. I've been there/done that.

I’ve actually asked him this before but his response was “he feels that he can be his true self with me” which is why he can show his temper with me but not his boss / colleagues 😔

And 31 is still young! Lots of my friend's are having/have had babies in their late 30s or early 40s.