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Original poster

Do I leave or stay? I'm 31 and expecting a proposal but am worried that my bf's temper will affect our marriage in the future

203 replies

tara678 · 24/07/2022 17:24

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

Throughout these 4 years I have been pretty happy. We do fight like all couples but make up after that. My boyfriend is extremely hot-tempered so when we do fight he tends to shout / raises his voice at me / sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me. I am however the complete opposite of him - I'm patient, soft spoken and hardly show any temper so whenever his temper flares up, it really hurts me and I just end up crying.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change - over the years I have seen some improvement but I understand it is hard to get somebody to change 180 in such a short span of time. He has promised to control his temper but I know changes like this don't happen immediately.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood. He is also always the one who apologises first whenever we fight. He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

My concern however is that it could potentially get worse in the future because work stress will definitely increase as you move up in your career - What happens when we get married and he is unable to change because of the increasing work stress and we just end up fighting everyday? And I always get hurt because I have less of a temper and am more patient. What happens if we have kids?? My future kids will have to witness us fighting and seeing Daddy lash out at their Mummy? I don't want that for my future kids.

Should I re-consider this relationship? I'm also 31 this year and am worried I may not be able to find someone else in time to start a family - I'm 31 so I don't have much time left to start over.

OP posts:
Robinkitty · 24/07/2022 23:27

Are you conflict avoidant op? I ask because in my situation I became quieter and quieter in my views and opinions so as not to piss off ex DH he then became worse and worse, knowing he could get a way with it. I didn’t want to argue In front of the kids but he would explode so I learnt to keep my mouth shut:
im now being screwed by him in every way whilst he continues to bully me.
walk away OP and find someone who treats you with respect

OldFan · 24/07/2022 23:32

Wow. No @tara678 x

I mean, if this is how you want to spend your life then fair enough. But you can do so much better. And he will get worse.

And don't have children with him please, that would be cruel to them. Living with someone with a temper is very damaging to children (and adults.)

MGMidget · 25/07/2022 00:19

Also, you are only 31. You still have time to find someone else. Look at egg freezing if you can afford it as a back up plan.

Hiddenmnetter · 25/07/2022 07:12

Also be prepared, if you leave or if you make any obvious or overt move towards leaving he will propose. He will do anything he can to ensure you are trapped. Once you are pregnant I’d be prepared to bet he’ll ramp up the violence.

billy1966 · 25/07/2022 08:42

You know well his temper is disgusting and you want to have children with a man with a nasty temper.

Marry him.
Get pregnant.
Wait for the slap.
He is abusive.
He has clearly shown that punching the pillow.

And you want to have children with a man with a nasty temper who will terrorise them.

Why would you even consider doing something so awful.

Give your head a wobble and grow up.

He cannot control his temper now.

What is he going to be like with crying babies, noise, sleep interruption?

I think it would be utterly shameful to inflict him on children.

What a miserable life your children would have with him.

Wake up and grow up.

Angry men do not have happy families and children.

VickerishAllsort · 25/07/2022 08:55

I don't think op is coming back.
She's got a unanimous opinion here and either doesn't like what she's hearing or is busy packing her bags.
I know which I hope it is ......

NightsinBlueSatin · 25/07/2022 09:00

Don't do it, if and when you have babies it'll only get worse. You are not someone's emotional punchbag.

Thumbergia · 25/07/2022 09:24

This is your opportunity to NOT be the woman down the line saying "I wish I'd heeded the warning signs and left much sooner".

Split now whilst it's simple.

HyperionWarbonnet · 25/07/2022 09:30

tara678 · 24/07/2022 17:53

I’ve actually asked him this before but his response was “he feels that he can be his true self with me” which is why he can show his temper with me but not his boss / colleagues 😔

So his true self is a violent aggressive bully.

Leave and work on your self esteem. Meant kindly, the fact you have to ask means you need to need to leave and work on your boundaries.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/07/2022 10:25

he has promised to change

Oh that old chestnut.

Honestly, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

Get out now. You're only 31, you have plenty of time to find someone who isn't an abusive partner. And he is. And he will only get worse if you accept it.

wellhelloitsme · 25/07/2022 10:46

You'd be foolish to marry him knowing he is like this.

You'd be incredibly selfish to have children with him knowing he is like this.

This is not what a decent man and good partner looks like. Nowhere close.

Glaucusatlanticus0 · 25/07/2022 12:35

You have no future together

End it today

Glaucusatlanticus0 · 25/07/2022 12:39

Make a list of what you would like from a new partner

Nobody is perfect

Nobody writes on their list that they want an angry, bully

Maytodecember · 25/07/2022 13:07

Walk away. Now.
His temper hasn’t improved because it never will.
Add a crying baby into the mix and you will really know what a bad tempered man can do.

Underroad · 25/07/2022 13:16

Get out. If he is capable of controlling his temper around other people, he is CHOOSING to lose it around you. His behaviour is a choice. Are you happy to stay with someone who constantly chooses to hurt, scare and belittle you? Do not have children with him. Can you imagine how bad it will be with the sleep deprivation that babies and young children in? Get out get out get out.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 25/07/2022 14:28

Leave now and definitely don’t marry him. If he works 7 days a week and gets extremely stressed and agitated now, how would it be with a baby or young child to add to those pressures? A volatile man with anger issues is a terrifying prospect. Get out while you can and don’t look back.

Dajeeling · 25/07/2022 14:45

Honestly- this is going to no doubt upset people but pre kids seems just like utter carefree and bliss time to me now. As in like- what on earth did to have to worry about it be tired for? This should be the absolute EASIEST and most relaxed you will ever be together until you retire … trust me if you bring kids into this it will escalate massively.

Dajeeling · 25/07/2022 14:46

*as in- what on earth did I have to worry about or be tired for?

Chicaontour · 25/07/2022 15:27

So your boyfriend can control his temper but chooses not to when he is with you? What is he going to be like if things get really stressful? How will he act if you are both sleep deprived or money is tight due to childcare. Will you children learn to walk on eggshells like you? If you were my friend I would say RUN for the hills. He has shown you how he is, trust him. do not settle for this and throw your life away.

Temporaryname158 · 25/07/2022 16:47

tara678 · 24/07/2022 17:53

I’ve actually asked him this before but his response was “he feels that he can be his true self with me” which is why he can show his temper with me but not his boss / colleagues 😔

Brilliant manipulative answer by him here.

leave him. I was with one of these, it started with the aggressive putting down of dinner plates, throwing a towel in my direction with force etc, being moody….it ended the second time he tried to strangle me. I know now all the signs were there. I just didn’t know them. You have been told so please please listen! X

Valeriekat · 29/07/2022 07:39

When I was younger (24) I sometimes had temper tantrums.Stamping my feet etc. My then boyfriend witnessed one of them. The look on his face made it quite clear that my behaviour was not funny or quirky but just plain bad.
I liked him a lot and realised he wouldn't be my boyfriend any more so I didn't do it again even though it was "me being myself".
I haven't had another tantrum and we have been married 37 years.
Of course he could control himself in front of you he doesn't want to behave like a grown up so RUN.

TooHotToTangoToo · 29/07/2022 07:52

You only have to read these boards on a regular basis to know where your relationship will go.

He'll get worse when you're married and step it up a gear when children come along, you and your dc will end up walking on egg shells, so not to upset him and he'll become a bully - this is best case scenario, worst case is he'll become physically violent

StopStartStop · 29/07/2022 07:58

Run.
Now.
It's harder to run when you're pregnant or have several children to drag along with you. Also, if you have children, you're tied to him for twenty years or so.
I predict that if you marry him, he will be showing his temper by pushing you, then slapping you, then punching you. It will be your fault because of your behaviour, or it will be because he can 'be himself' by expressing his anger physically upon you.
Don't take that risk.

Dacquoise · 29/07/2022 08:05

My dad had a temper. He and my mother (who provoked him in umpteen different ways) used to have full on shouting, swearing and fighting matches in front of us. It was terrifying. We heard and saw everything.

As result I grew up hypervigilent and people pleasing so as not to upset anyone. We used to call my dad 'Hitler 'as kids because his word was Lord. Do you want that for your children?

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 29/07/2022 08:13

VickerishAllsort · 25/07/2022 08:55

I don't think op is coming back.
She's got a unanimous opinion here and either doesn't like what she's hearing or is busy packing her bags.
I know which I hope it is ......

But you know which one it's more likely to be too.

Or maybe she tried to leave, her partner panicked and proposed, promising that he will 'change' too. She will accept, they'll get married, have kids and he'll start hitting her.

Bet that's what his childhood was like, his dad hitting his mum. History repeating itself possibly..