Do I leave or stay? I'm 31 and expecting a proposal but am worried that my bf's temper will affect our marriage in the future

[tara678]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

Throughout these 4 years I have been pretty happy. We do fight like all couples but make up after that. My boyfriend is extremely hot-tempered so when we do fight he tends to shout / raises his voice at me / sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me. I am however the complete opposite of him - I'm patient, soft spoken and hardly show any temper so whenever his temper flares up, it really hurts me and I just end up crying.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change - over the years I have seen some improvement but I understand it is hard to get somebody to change 180 in such a short span of time. He has promised to control his temper but I know changes like this don't happen immediately.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood. He is also always the one who apologises first whenever we fight. He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

My concern however is that it could potentially get worse in the future because work stress will definitely increase as you move up in your career - What happens when we get married and he is unable to change because of the increasing work stress and we just end up fighting everyday? And I always get hurt because I have less of a temper and am more patient. What happens if we have kids?? My future kids will have to witness us fighting and seeing Daddy lash out at their Mummy? I don't want that for my future kids.

Should I re-consider this relationship? I'm also 31 this year and am worried I may not be able to find someone else in time to start a family - I'm 31 so I don't have much time left to start over.

100% this

I fell for the Sunk Cost Fallacy when I was 30 and had been with my then boyfriend 5 years. I'm now 53 and look back in horror at how many red flags I ignored...the main one being that he'd always said he didn't want to get married (I also fell for the Leap Year bollocks and proposed to him). He used to 'joke' to his friends etc that he'd only married me to 'shut me up about it'

Another red flag that always springs to mind was when he pissed on my front door at 3am on Millennium Eve after a fight because I didn't want to wander around in the freezing pouring rain trying to find an open bar... I then didn't hear from him for a week. Never got an apology, he never apologised for anything (and believe me, there was plenty that he needed to).

I wasted another 10 years on him and finally left when I was 40. I still regret that I spent 15 years with someone that I KNEW was so wrong for me.

Do you want to get married? You have to deal with custody issues if you do. Do want to have a family? Do you want to work? Where do you want to live? Would you be happy not getting married? All issues to consider while you are young

Leave - 'we do fight like all couples' - no, couples in healthy relationships do not fight - you might have the occasional disagreement but I have been married 35+ years and never had a fight or serious row with my DH. We are not 'lovey dovey' and 'best friends type' but we discuss things calmly and if we disagree we just compromise or 'agree to disagree'. We never raise our voices or swear at each other.

But he's still making the choice to do it because he knows he can. Then has the audacity to try and turn it into a compliment?? You can add emotional abuse/manipulation to the list then

Speaking as someone who spent ten years being yelled and screamed at, I'd say "walk"...you've already been given an insight into your potential life together, something I didn't benefit from.

Bad tempers are best managed from a distance

He has actually spelt it out to you! His true self is a violent self. He won't get better and will only get worse. Leave and don't relent.

This is an excellent comment

The fact you are worried and you are writing about it on Mumsnet - is a red flag . This is your intuition trying to protect you . So what if you are 31. You have so much time .

You already know the answer to your question - run.

You have loads of time to meet the right man and wait for a proposal ( if you want ) and have children.
It seems to me your not wanting to leave as you think - I know he will propose soon ( and your so close a wedding !) but seriously being married to a man with a temper is awful - I know. I got married because I was 30 and desperate to get married and have a baby and I thought time was running out . I should have listened to my intuition and left .

Answer this honestly . ( to yourself !)
Are you writing about this on here because if you aired your concerns with your family or friends you are afraid they would tell you to leave your partner ? I think could be the case . Talk to someone who knows both of you and whose opinion you trust.

Please leave, it'll probably only get worse.

Easier to leave now and start over. Don't do what I did, hope they will change, they won't, it will just get worse.

I spent my entire childhood terrified of a parent that fits your partners description. It's affected my whole life and I could see that being the same for any family you had with this man.

Their wrath, and the whole unhappy house trying to avoid angering them. That was the relationship that was modelled to me, and I went on to have relationships with abusers as an adult too. More suffering.

I've escaped all that now, happily married and can tell you that no, not all couples fight.

It's taken me so long to get used to being in a happy home where voices are never raised and we absolutely never 'fight'. Please listen to everyone here.

"He treats me well... when he's in a good mood"
Says it all. Run.

If you had a daughter, would you be happy with her living with a man like this? Surely you are always on tenterhooks waiting for him to lash out? Nobody here is going to suggest you stay with him.

leave before you have kids and it makes it harder to leave.
Leave before his temper turns on the children or into abusing you.
Leave before you have something to stay for.

Ah, the words of an abusive man.

Run

I married that man and was divorced 11 months later aged 27. I’m now 32, engaged, have a baby and I’m with a man who communicates rather than shouts at me or let’s aggression out in other ways like my ex. I really thought I’d be left on the shelf and that I’d never be happy again. Turns out it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

You’re still young enough to meet someone else and start a family, I think the fact you’re doubting his actions and your future tells you everything

Leave. Ending a relationship is hard. You will feel worse before you feel better. You are likely to feel guilty and worried about him. He might use his sadness to manipulate you. The idea of him meeting someone else is probably upsetting and painful for you to imagine (that is a normal reaction, not a sign that you should stay.)

Leave anyway. Stick with it. Don’t go back out of guilt or fear of being alone.

Once you are over the painful phase, you will never look back. Please don’t marry or have a child with a man like this.

Picture a little girl. Your little girl. Who relies on you to protect her.

Then picture him speaking to her the way he speaks to you. Picture her face when he is standing over her, shouting at her.

Then imagine yourself, not wanting to intervene as you will be accused of “undermining” him, and you don’t want to make the situation worse in case he starts shouting at you and scares her more - so you just have to comfort her afterwards.

This isn’t the future you want.

he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

Does he fuck work 7 days a week.
Not only is it illegal but surely he would want to spend time with you.

Him being out all day for 7 days a week is a red flag in itself and he’s either trying to get away from you because he doesn’t like you or he’s spending it with another women

How long has he had the engagement ring for?
Were you there when he brought it?

Please run.
Get away, do the freedom programme they recommed on here, to stop you falling for another abuser (he is an abuser, he really is)
Then when you feel whole, let love find you. You have lots of time, truly.
If you stay you will regret it very very soon after the wedding, and think 'I wish I'd listened to MN' Don't be that person in 5 years, trapped with no job, no access to money, 2 little DCs and a partner you all fear.
Better to be alone for a bit than with this poor excuse for an adult male.

His "temper" is emotional abuse. Do you think if his boss pissed him off that he would go round punching stuff? Of course not.

What he's saying to you when he punches stuff, is next time it could be you if you don't get back in line.

Marrying him would be a terrible mistake. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy.

Don't be a fool.

I got married at 30 to a man who had a hot temper like this and promised to change. The work stress and life stress didn’t lessen and his behaviour didn’t improve. I felt like I was on eggshells in my own home always wondering what mood he may be in. We are now divorced due to his temper… it was hard as we had been together a long time but I only realised afterwards how much it affected me and am much happier now. Good luck op with whatever you decide xx