Do I leave or stay? I'm 31 and expecting a proposal but am worried that my bf's temper will affect our marriage in the future

[tara678]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

Throughout these 4 years I have been pretty happy. We do fight like all couples but make up after that. My boyfriend is extremely hot-tempered so when we do fight he tends to shout / raises his voice at me / sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me. I am however the complete opposite of him - I'm patient, soft spoken and hardly show any temper so whenever his temper flares up, it really hurts me and I just end up crying.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change - over the years I have seen some improvement but I understand it is hard to get somebody to change 180 in such a short span of time. He has promised to control his temper but I know changes like this don't happen immediately.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood. He is also always the one who apologises first whenever we fight. He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

My concern however is that it could potentially get worse in the future because work stress will definitely increase as you move up in your career - What happens when we get married and he is unable to change because of the increasing work stress and we just end up fighting everyday? And I always get hurt because I have less of a temper and am more patient. What happens if we have kids?? My future kids will have to witness us fighting and seeing Daddy lash out at their Mummy? I don't want that for my future kids.

Should I re-consider this relationship? I'm also 31 this year and am worried I may not be able to find someone else in time to start a family - I'm 31 so I don't have much time left to start over.

Kind of, but it’s recent enough that the op may come across it if she’s still on mn and reply 🤷🏼‍♀️

Doing some reading for work today. Infants match the cortisol level of mothers who breastfeed.

If you are in a relationship that adds to the typical levels of stress that motherhood brings and increases your own level of cortisol often (as in a short tempered, stressed partner) by 12 months old your baby is already predisposed to higher risks of mental health issues and physical ailments than those babies not exposed.

Your level of cortisol is enough, they don't even have to witness direct conflict themselves!

For baby girls the fear responses are greater.

Just a consideration.

DA survivor myself so no guilt tripping but I would have made very different choices for my kids if I had known things then.

Which translates to "There are no consequences for me abusing you so I'm going to carry on doing it"

I'm like your DP, when I get angry I don't deal with it well. I shout, I want to throw things and punch walls. I found this out in my teens and I also learnt to control it in my teens. If I feel myself getting angry I take myself out of the situation and then I walk, or run or cycle until I burn myself out.

I'm 40. Noone has seen me angry since I was 20. I haven't raised my voice in 20 years. I don't have the ability to be angry safely, so I don't get the luxury of being angry.

Your partner can control his anger around his boss, his colleagues. He chooses not to around you. He respects you less than he does them.