Do I leave or stay? I'm 31 and expecting a proposal but am worried that my bf's temper will affect our marriage in the future

[tara678]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

Throughout these 4 years I have been pretty happy. We do fight like all couples but make up after that. My boyfriend is extremely hot-tempered so when we do fight he tends to shout / raises his voice at me / sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me. I am however the complete opposite of him - I'm patient, soft spoken and hardly show any temper so whenever his temper flares up, it really hurts me and I just end up crying.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change - over the years I have seen some improvement but I understand it is hard to get somebody to change 180 in such a short span of time. He has promised to control his temper but I know changes like this don't happen immediately.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood. He is also always the one who apologises first whenever we fight. He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

My concern however is that it could potentially get worse in the future because work stress will definitely increase as you move up in your career - What happens when we get married and he is unable to change because of the increasing work stress and we just end up fighting everyday? And I always get hurt because I have less of a temper and am more patient. What happens if we have kids?? My future kids will have to witness us fighting and seeing Daddy lash out at their Mummy? I don't want that for my future kids.

Should I re-consider this relationship? I'm also 31 this year and am worried I may not be able to find someone else in time to start a family - I'm 31 so I don't have much time left to start over.

OP, you're a grown up, you can make whatever decisions you like regarding this man.

Your children won't have the same choices, they will be stuck in a family with a man who loses his temper and punches things.

I grew up with an unpredictable father. I never knew if he was going to be the fun dad or the angry dad, and it could switch in the blink of an eye. I was terrified and lived my childhood on eggshells, even when he moved out, because he was still around. Even simply just saying hello to him, it was a lottery which dad I'd get.

Please don't consider having children with this man, you'd be setting them up for a pretty poor childhood. He's unpredictable now, what is he going to be like with the added stresses of babies, toddlers and children who can be a bit naughty at times?

By the way, OP, be prepared if you decide to end the relationship for him to suddenly do the whole propsal thing to try and make you stay!

Don't be taken in by this!

@tara678 So, we are 4+ months on from your original post. How have things been? Did you come to any conclusions?

My boyfriend from 23-27 was like that. Totally “got” me life and soul of the party but had a violent temper. He did the punching wall thing too and was verbally aggressive which he called “arguments” but was actually him verbally abusing me.

The voice inside me said he could not be father to my kids so I ended it. Wasn’t easy. Met Dh the following year. In 20 years we’ve barely raised our voices to each other - but he is just as fun and interesting as my ex but 10 times the man and a fantastic father. I literally shudder to think how close I came to staying with my ex.

@tara678 Red flags! Red flags are waving at you and you have to see them!

His excuses are pathetic. He is a fully grown adult man who is abusing you under the guise of being his 'true self'. He knows that what he is doing is intimidating and threatening to you and that is why he does it.

He respects his work mates enough to not behave like that to them but he doesn't think you are worthy enough of getting a handle on his anger? What a tosser!

Please dump him and move on now before you invest your childbearing years into him. Not only will he never really stop, he will up the anti with gaslighting you and making you feel that you are the one causing it not him.

This relationship doesn't have a happy ending. Your love won't ever fix him because deep down, he doesn't believe he needs to be fixed and he doesn't love or respect you enough to really try.

So he admits that he can curtail his temper but doesn't want to with you? Seriously? And he tries to sell that as a positive? If he was physically aggressive and used the same line 'I would never hit my workmates but I hit you because I can be my true self with you' - would you think that was a positive?

You said he treats me very well when he is in a good mood

Is that what you dreamed of for a husband, someone who would treat you well some of the time?

You said all couples fight - they really don't. Most can disagree, respectfully and without raising voices or falling out.

You said he's trying to change - what form does that take? Has he spoken to someone? Booked a course or therapy? Read books? Or are they just words, aimed at keeping you there without him actually doing anything to change?

It's a 'no' from me. I wouldn't knowingly walk in to a marriage with someone who is already showing me their aggression. It will likely get worse, not better.

Oh dear. Did this thread appear in the suggested "threads like this one " list by any chance. It is not a live conversation as fas as I can tell. @mumsnet is sticking with this feature , but it really doesn't enhance the user experience to find you have been taking the trouble to advise someone who has probably not thought about this thread for months, and probably won't see any of these recent replies.

Red flag 'promise to change'! Run, now, as how he is behaving, what he is saying, is really just a prelude to what comes next.

omg massive red flag. I was married to a man like this but he never showed his temper until it was too late.

Temper is a definite no-no @tara678 .

I experienced too much of that from my dad. No fun at all.

It also would have a very negative effect on any children you went on to have with him.

Sounds like a no-no to me. If you want to have a child, there are ways to do this without a partner

I’d ask him to seek professional help or else leave. It’s horrid living with someone who can’t control themselves, believe me. People can change though - they just have to want to and to do it properly with help. If he loves you he’ll do that

He won't change - he will get worse with age too

1. Make sure your contraception is good whilst you take time to reflect

2. What has he actually done about his temper? Has he been on an anger management course or started counselling? I'm ready to bet he's done neither and has just made random promises that he's trying. That is not good enough. And shows really clearly that you're not worth making ant form of effort for.

3. You are absolutely right to worry about the future

4. You can't change him. But you can change your future

that's not true. having a temper is one thing, not controlling said temper is a choice

unless he has had traumatic brain injury, he can lower his voice and not punch things. be doesnt it at work

@tara678 no case abuse starts with abuser knocking out your teeth. it starts slowly, with uncontrolled temper outbursts, insults, then things get punched , then you get shoved, until you find yourself getting hit in the face with a full force.

You should leave - he clearly does not feel bad about the things he does so he won't work on himself...and remember. You're an adult. You have some agency and ability to defend yourself and react. If you will ever have children, then they too will become his targets because in his head there won't be any consequences of hitting them

Why do you want to be with a person whose “true self” is angry and leaves you in tears?

If you have a hard time accepting the absolutely unanimous advice that you run from this guy like you would run from a forest fire then I suggest you enter individual therapy to explore your inner world. Because somewhere along the line you learned that this shitty treatment was more than good enough for you.

This is a zombie thread. However this stuck out:

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

I don't get this. They've agreed to marry and bought a ring so one of them must have already asked the other to marry them. So why do we need to wait for the guy to propose because it's already agreed isn't it???

And when you're standing there at 3am with a crying newborn baby in your arms and he starts shouting at you and punching things?

How will you feel then?

How did you even come across this zombie thread to resurrect it?!

i really hope OP ended the relationship.

Leave. 100%. His temper won’t get better- he’s showing you who he is so believe it. He will get worse and if you have children, he will do it in front of them. You are still young and have plenty of time to find someone who can communicate calmly and deal with stress in an adult way. Take it from someone who’s lived it- they never change.

It probably appeared in "similar threads" and people comment without looking at how old it is. It happens.

@AnotherEmma Sorry?

Run.

Zombie thread.