Do I leave or stay? I'm 31 and expecting a proposal but am worried that my bf's temper will affect our marriage in the future

[tara678]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

Throughout these 4 years I have been pretty happy. We do fight like all couples but make up after that. My boyfriend is extremely hot-tempered so when we do fight he tends to shout / raises his voice at me / sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me. I am however the complete opposite of him - I'm patient, soft spoken and hardly show any temper so whenever his temper flares up, it really hurts me and I just end up crying.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change - over the years I have seen some improvement but I understand it is hard to get somebody to change 180 in such a short span of time. He has promised to control his temper but I know changes like this don't happen immediately.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood. He is also always the one who apologises first whenever we fight. He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

My concern however is that it could potentially get worse in the future because work stress will definitely increase as you move up in your career - What happens when we get married and he is unable to change because of the increasing work stress and we just end up fighting everyday? And I always get hurt because I have less of a temper and am more patient. What happens if we have kids?? My future kids will have to witness us fighting and seeing Daddy lash out at their Mummy? I don't want that for my future kids.

Should I re-consider this relationship? I'm also 31 this year and am worried I may not be able to find someone else in time to start a family - I'm 31 so I don't have much time left to start over.

The OP needs time to reflect. There’s a lot to take on board here.

OP, do think about this. Be strong and think long term about how your life will be.

Don't marry him, OP.
My mum married a man with a bad temper, believing that he was "hot-tempered" (sounds so much more romantic than "bad tempered", doesn't it) and she could "tame" him.
End result was my childhood spent being told to tippy-toe around him to keep him sweet, or watching him have a tantrum about something and hope it wasn't directed my way.
Now they are both old and stuck with each other and he only has my mum to take it out on.
She never did manage to tame him, you see. But she won't leave as she feels she it too old (she is pushing 80, to be fair).
Your man won't change. Telling you about being his true self means he has no intention of changing - after all, he's told you what he's like, so it's your fault now if you are still there.
Don't end up like my mum.

Do you think you can safely walk away?

My lovely DH has never raised his fist to me or punched anything in front of me. Wouldn't have stayed or had children if he had
I know it's hard to hear but please leave this man now because it won't get better

I have name changed for this @tara678 OP.
I am twenty years down the line from you, and ruined my own life, and the childhood of my children. Even though they have monetary things, their father’s temper is the core of our family’s life.

We love it when he isn’t there, and it drives his anger to know it’s true.

he has told you that his temper is the real deal. Do yourself a favour and run away and soon as possible, the abuse you are getting now he will happily inflict on your when you are fifty and when you are eighty.
Don’t give him a chance, give yourself a chance of having decades of life without this and him.

If you met him today, would you start a relationship knowing what he’s like or would you walk to the other side of the street.

I would leave.

How would you feel if he acted like this in front of your small children? Do you want a daughter to think this is acceptable and accept the same treatment? Would you want to son to think this is acceptable and act this way with a partner?

Are you aware of how many men ramp up the abusive behaviour when they see you are trapped by marriage, pregnancy or small children?

You are 31, having a child with an abusive man is not your only option for having a family.

It is not true that all couples fight. DH has never shouted at me, not once, and we’ve been together decades. We disagree, sure, and we discuss it like adults. Sometimes we sulk a bit, then we apologise and agree to disagree. We never shout or hit things or make each other cry, that is unstable threatening behaviour.

The time just before you get engaged is the HIGH POINT of your relationship. Then things get much harder with babies, sleep deprivation, reduced libido, money stress, parental bereavements, illnesses, and the general disappointments of getting older. Sorry but it’s true. The high point of your relationship with this guy involves him punching a pillow and making you cry and saying “this is my true self.” If you marry him, I guarantee that one day he will instead be punching you and your children.

LEAVE HIM NOW. Do it because your future children deserve a good-natured dad with an even temper. Do it because one day you’ll be tired and ill and need help from your DH and this man is never ever going to look after you. Do it because every hour in England&Wales, 100 women telephone the police asking for help because their partner is violent towards them. None of those women expected it, all of those women thought they’d chosen the right guy. Don’t be one of them.

Very well said!

Take heed, OP.

I'd kill to be in my early 30s again with all of the options you have and a long future ahead of me. Don't squander those precious years on a foul tempered, abusive loser. Please.

You said it!

Being married with small children is the equivalent of running a restaurant. Ask yourself if you would honestly open a restaurant with this guy?

Does he punch cushions at work or is he able to keep his temper there?

The temper loss is completely within his control and he chooses to act like this.

My Mum too - but she's also abusive. They're stuck together in old age, alienating all around them.

OP one day you'll take the place of one of those objects he punches. RUN. Abusive relationships escalate.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change OP, can you see how unlikely that looks? His behaviour is unacceptable. Most women would have dumped him by now - I certainly would.

If he's prepared to change, why hasn't he changed? It's because he has no intention of changing.

If it’s bad enough for you to speak about it, it’s not good enough to stay.

you know you need to end this. It WILL only get worse, once you’re engaged, when you’re married, when you’re pregnant and when you’re trapped with kids. Do not stay in this relationship

Now we have enough evidence (I'm talking hard medical evidence) that children who witness domestic abuse experience the same trauma and suffer from the same mental health issues than children who are themselves abused- even if they never get hit. Also as others have said, pregnancy is often the time when emotional abuse/threat turn into actual physical violence, and that violence felt experienced by the mother during pregnancy harms the foetus. Just don't start a family with him.
Also 31 is very young. I met my partner at age 35 and now at 38 am pregnant with our first child. You have enough time to find a good partner.

Also, sorry to be dramatic, but a while ago a woman was killed by her abusive ex whom she was separated from, while she came collecting her children from him. Remember that as long as you have children with him, you will be forever bound with him and at risk for your safety and even life, even if you separate. So repeating: absolutely don't start a family with this man. The earlier you split the less difficult and less dangerous it will be.

Honestly I feel like banging my head on my desk. "Don't marry (or continue a relationship with) a man whose temper concerns you" is so basic. This isn't a dilemma.

And really, really don't expect anyone to change!!!

From someone who has been married to someone with ‘emotional disregulation’, absolutely leave. You are right it will get worse. You are right to worry about future kids ( who will also bear the brunt of his anger with them).

Leave. leave. leave.

And we’ll done for sporting this early enough to leave!

Unfortunately you CANNOT change him.

And in my experience, not only do virtually no men like this ever change, they very often get much worse once they are secure that you’re not going anywhere (you marry, you have kids, you’re trapped, you’ve accepted the behaviour over time).

A grown man that needs to shout and punch pillows and throw things around during a disagreement with the women he loves has got major issues. Red flags everywhere.

If you're asking the question you already know the answer..

Behaviour is a choice. I have an awful temper. I control it, even though it can be difficult, because that's what adults do.

"He feels he can be his true self around me" is his lovely way of saying "I'm not scared of you and you can't fire me".

Just because you think time is running out is not a reason to stay. Staying with this abusive man just because you want family will absolutely not be fair to your future children. They will absolutely have a shit life because he will treat them the way he treats you when is angry. Why would you even consider having kids with this man??

Once after an argument, with me lying down, my ex picked up a large coffee table and came at me, holding it over me as if he was going to drop it on me. He didn't but it terrified me. He was just 'getting energy out'. One of many excuses he had as he went on to smash and kick things across the house over a few years before I got rid.

And never ignore the rubbish stuff because, outside of that, things are great. That’s what I did. And, to be fair, the rubbish stuff, the temper, was very rare and never directed at me. Things like raging and kicking cupboards if he was making dinner for friends and it wasn’t going well. Post kids, he could not cope with the stress of kids. And the angry, aggressive temper became the norm. He never hit me. But it didn’t matter. My stress cortisol levels were constantly raised anyway. I’d dread hearing his key in the lock. Dread hearing him walk up the stairs. My conscious mind knew I’d never be hit. My body didn’t. It’s no way to live and no way to raise kids.

And mine was nowhere near as bad as yours pre kids. Can’t even imagine how awful yours will be. Being his ‘true self’ with his kids.

Marriages are baed on how well you can handle the disagreements together, not how well you get on when everything is fine. And yours gets violent over disagreements.

It's not a normal relationship at all.

It's not normal to punch pillows,walls,doors or anything.

Why do you think this is a normal relationship ?