Do I leave or stay? I'm 31 and expecting a proposal but am worried that my bf's temper will affect our marriage in the future

[tara678]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

Throughout these 4 years I have been pretty happy. We do fight like all couples but make up after that. My boyfriend is extremely hot-tempered so when we do fight he tends to shout / raises his voice at me / sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me. I am however the complete opposite of him - I'm patient, soft spoken and hardly show any temper so whenever his temper flares up, it really hurts me and I just end up crying.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change - over the years I have seen some improvement but I understand it is hard to get somebody to change 180 in such a short span of time. He has promised to control his temper but I know changes like this don't happen immediately.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood. He is also always the one who apologises first whenever we fight. He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

My concern however is that it could potentially get worse in the future because work stress will definitely increase as you move up in your career - What happens when we get married and he is unable to change because of the increasing work stress and we just end up fighting everyday? And I always get hurt because I have less of a temper and am more patient. What happens if we have kids?? My future kids will have to witness us fighting and seeing Daddy lash out at their Mummy? I don't want that for my future kids.

Should I re-consider this relationship? I'm also 31 this year and am worried I may not be able to find someone else in time to start a family - I'm 31 so I don't have much time left to start over.

odds are that when you add in the stress of young children, it will get worse, much worse.

Crikey, do you want to wait for him to be honest with you by punching your face in rather than inanimate objects around the house?

Why aren't you running away from this violent man whilst you still can?

Do not stay with this man under any circumstances now let alone marry or have kids with him.

He is showing you by word and deed who he really is, an abusive man who blames everything else but his own self for his actions. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

You are 31 so there’s plenty of time for you to start over and meet an actual non abusive man.

"sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me."
The purpose of punching something in front of you is to introduce the image in your mind of him punching YOU. It's a warning - a 'don't start or I'll finish it' kind of warning. A threat.

"he has promised to change"
Promises aren't worth the paper they're not written on. What action has he taken? Counselling? Anger management course? Sod all?

"he treats me very well when he is in a good mood."
And when he's not?

"He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me."
He 'explained' it to you because now, he can throw the 'I told you what I was like!' at you should you ever complain. It's not an explanation, it's a Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Yes, I would definitely reconsider this relationship, and I absolutely would not want to introduce children into such a volatile aggressive environment. And yes, the children will increase his stress. And yes, the children will see Daddy lash out at Mummy. Don't do that to children. You can see the inevitable problem, head it off at the pass by finding another partner, because this one is not a keeper.

You have plenty of time by the way - I met DH at 30 and had DS at 35.

You sound rather innocent/naiive. Just imagine your BF getting into a temper with a toddler - and what could happen. Time to pack up and go.

Good of him to admit it. His true self is a violent, raging arsehole who likes to terrify you and make you cry. Because he can.

Please don't stay with him. You're asking for a lifetime of tears.

Exactly. He has shown you his true self. Please believe him.

Because you aren't a threat to him and he doesn't need to show you any respect. All he has to do is say 'sorry' and he gets away with it. He's not a toddler having a meltdown after nursery. Awful excuse.

Read the Freedom programme x

Massive red flag…. He can control his temper around others but not you… and his reason is that with you he can be ‘his true self!!’ Like it’s some kind of accolade for you!! Run, do not continue the relationship with him, particularly if you know you want children. How would you feel if he had an outburst while caring for the baby. Get out now!

One question, do you want any daughter (or son) to feel the same feeling you do now when he gets ‘angry’?

Ooh, that's a massive red flag right there! To reword his answer - 'Of course I don't I'd get the sack. So I choose not to do it to them.'

He CAN not behave this way - he chooses to lose his temper around you.

His true self is abusive. Image of the nice guy to the outside world is all important to abusers but it’s an act they can never hope to maintain. He is showing you who he really is and you need to take heed and action now to get away from him.

you have also forgotten or were never told by others that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Oh God, please leave him now. Once you have had children it will be so much harder to.

This isn't a normal, healthy relationship. Please, please leave.

“he feels that he can be his true self with me”

That translates into.... I can control my temper in front of my boss... cos he is important to me.... but I CHOOSE not to in front of YOU..... so accept the message in that statement...

Your future... your choice..
But a lot easier to walk now... than 5-10 years down the line with two kids at your heels...

How supportive are your parents/family/friends here?. Have you told anyone in your real life circle about him making you cry, he hitting things etc?. Abuse also thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now.

This is who he was 4 years ago too, he targeted you deliberately. He’s masked this in the early days but I would think there have been other concerning aspects of his behaviour towards you and objects over the past year that you’ve minimised or excused.

Aside from the temper issue (don’t glamourise it as “hot-tempered” - he’s a bad-tempered, aggressive man) - how would he have time to have kids if he works 7 days a week? You’d have to do everything.

I could have saved myself years of unhappiness if I'd listened to a much wiser older lady at about the age you are now.

The advice was, if he makes you cry now he will always make you cry.

His behaviour will not improve.

Listen to the older wiser mumsnetters and leave now.

You've got loads of time to find a decent partner and dad.

Do be prepared for the love bombing, whimpering, emotion blackmail and false promises though.

Be his true self with you, - and that “true self is to be an abusive bully”?
He only does it with you because he has learnt he can get away with it, and he uses it to control you. Please leave him. Trust me, you don’t want to have children with him. Their lives will be a misery waiting for the next uncontrollable outburst, and you will be even more miserable trying to protect them, and having to witness their little faces, and the damage it will cause them when he kicks off.
Yes, you have to go!

Rage is genetic IME. You could have a child with that temper.

And he cannot change. It isn't possible. That is one of his innate characteristics. He can control it for a time and this is generally used at work/in public. But the expression "my blood is boiling" really comes from a literal feeling that those with the genetics of rage experience.

You can choose this for you, however misguided that is. You don't get to choose it for children.

Please read When Anger Hurts Your Kids and rethink.

It will definitely get worse as life responsibilities like kids arrive. Please leave.

He will be 100% be worse with kids - the stress in the first few years is immense. Don’t risk it. He has given a glimpse of what the future holds. Run.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood.

Read this again and give your head a wobble.

No man has ever been so disrespectful that he’s punched a pillow in front of me when he gets mad - he’s showing you he wants to punch you but he won’t so he does it to the pillow instead - that doesn’t sound like he likes you at all!

I remember my ex raised his voice during an argument and I flinched and he stopped straight away and never raised his voice again.

He should not be allowed around kids and I don’t think you should be having children either if you think this is acceptable behaviour from a grown man.

If he’s so aggressive in the courtship stage, he’ll be unbearable when you’re married. Also, he wants children, but pregnancy is often the time when men start domestic violence. Buy him a punchbag and find someone who’s not simmering with rage.

I’ve actually asked him this before but his response was “he feels that he can be his true self with me” which is why he can show his temper with me but not his boss / colleagues

No, the actual reason is that he knows he will be fired if he behaves so unacceptably at work, but he won't be fired from the relationship if he behaves so unacceptably at home.

The core problem is that he has a violent temper which he shows when he feels he won't receive consequences for it. The secondary problem is that your boundaries are too weak.

Employers don't tolerate this kind of shit because they have a legal responsibility to protect all their employees. You have a responsibility to protect yourself which I am sorry to say but you are currently failing in, and you should not even consider bringing a child who you will also have a responsibility to protect into a relationship with a man who has shown clear willingness to behave angrily and violently.