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Original poster

Do I leave or stay? I'm 31 and expecting a proposal but am worried that my bf's temper will affect our marriage in the future

203 replies

tara678 · 24/07/2022 17:24

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have bought the engagement ring together. The ring is with him so I'm just waiting for him to propose.

Throughout these 4 years I have been pretty happy. We do fight like all couples but make up after that. My boyfriend is extremely hot-tempered so when we do fight he tends to shout / raises his voice at me / sometimes when he is extremely mad he tends to release his frustration on objects around him i.e. like punching a pillow in front of me. I am however the complete opposite of him - I'm patient, soft spoken and hardly show any temper so whenever his temper flares up, it really hurts me and I just end up crying.

We have spoken about his temper before and he has promised to change - over the years I have seen some improvement but I understand it is hard to get somebody to change 180 in such a short span of time. He has promised to control his temper but I know changes like this don't happen immediately.

I do love him very much because apart from his temper - he treats me very well when he is in a good mood. He is also always the one who apologises first whenever we fight. He has explained that he is hot-tempered by nature and this is further aggravated by work stress - he works extremely hard (7 days a week) because he says he wants to start a family with me.

My concern however is that it could potentially get worse in the future because work stress will definitely increase as you move up in your career - What happens when we get married and he is unable to change because of the increasing work stress and we just end up fighting everyday? And I always get hurt because I have less of a temper and am more patient. What happens if we have kids?? My future kids will have to witness us fighting and seeing Daddy lash out at their Mummy? I don't want that for my future kids.

Should I re-consider this relationship? I'm also 31 this year and am worried I may not be able to find someone else in time to start a family - I'm 31 so I don't have much time left to start over.

OP posts:
User839516 · 24/07/2022 19:13

My husband is kind, patient, thoughtful, funny, great at making the best of a bad situation and has never in 16 years raised his voice to me. Being pregnant, childbirth, looking after a newborn and raising toddlers has been really, really hard, and that has been with unfaltering support. I absolutely wouldn’t want to do it with someone who shouted at me and got violent when he was stressed. These things you want to do (marriage and children) are super stressful. Go and find someone to do them with who is going to help you and make it more enjoyable and ease the burden. You should be more concerned about having children with the wrong person than not having children at all.

sunshinesupermum · 24/07/2022 19:15

Leave. He won't change and will only get worse as he ages. You deserve better.

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 24/07/2022 19:18

No, no, no. Definitely do not marry this man, and do not have children with him. He is abusive and it will only get worse when kids come into the picture. You will be miserable for years, then you'll leave. And he will rage against you leaving, he has shown you his temper already. Save yourself the stress and heartache and find a kind man.

LarryUnderwood · 24/07/2022 19:18

So his true self is aggressive and violent. That's what he's telling you with that answer. I'd believe him on that. Get out.

Ginger1982 · 24/07/2022 19:19

If you marry him, you're an idiot. He will hurt you.

Frazzled2207 · 24/07/2022 19:19

Going against the grain a bit I’d only marry him on condition that he goes to some proper anger management therapy.

i do know someone who had major issues with anger but after therapy is now able to control it far better.

if he won’t seek professional help, it’s a no-no. Sorry

KosherDill · 24/07/2022 19:22

He's not going to change.
It would be reprehensible to subject children to that. Shameful.

Leave.

thechiefstew · 24/07/2022 19:23

Don’t marry him or have children with him. I’ve been where you are and still struggling with the fallout now. It’s harder to leave once children are in the mix. There are good men out there, and you deserve someone who at the very least, doesn’t intimidate you.

dotty12345 · 24/07/2022 19:25

This sort of shit is why me and my cat are happy!

Pinkbonbon · 24/07/2022 19:27

Sexdoesmatter · 24/07/2022 17:42

He's not punching pillows to release frustration, he's doing it to show he's capable of violence to get you to 'behave'. 31 is young and if you want to have a family, the sooner you leave the better.

This. Its an abuser tactic.

I bet he doesn't punch stuff at work.

He chooses to act like he has 'list control' in order to control you. To make you feel you have to tow the line so that he doesn't break your shit. Or your face.

Get out now. Don't have kids with a violent man. This shit isn't going anywhere. Because he doesn't want it to. If he actually had a problem with anger and it bothered him, he would be in therapy of his own choosing.

People who scare the shite out of their partners by screaming snd breaking things and showing no remorse -are sociopaths.

Run
Run fast and run far.

C0mfyChairP0se · 24/07/2022 19:28

He will get worse not better.
He will get in to the habit of externalising everything on to you.
And if you stand up for yourself it won't resolve issues, he'll martyr up, the victim of your boundary.

Allmarbleslost · 24/07/2022 19:29

I would bet you any amount of money that this behaviour will get worse once you're married op.

bluegardenflowers · 24/07/2022 19:30

It will get worse I promise. End it. If you were of a similar temperament and enjoyed that kind of interaction (fuck knows why anyone would) then fine if you can hold your own, but you aren't and are frightened and intimidated by it AND HE DOENT CARE THAT YOU ARE. If he was he'd see how it affects you and not do it.

Don't believe any of his promises either.

Being hot tempered is not an excuse to abuse your partner.

Justcallmebebes · 24/07/2022 19:30

Please don't have children with him, at least

Solasum · 24/07/2022 19:31

My son’s father has anger issues. In all of his previous relationships he has had screaming fights. He disagrees with me that all relationships do NOT involve shouting and swearing and belittling. He also used to occasionally hit things, though never me. Tellingly, one of his ex girlfriends and I once had a heart to heart, and it was asked whether he had ever hit either of us. He hadn’t, and I don’t think he actually would, but I think as a woman confronted with a big angry man, it is understandable that the thought had crossed both of our minds.

I did not want my son to be around an angry man all the time, so we separated. Small children are often very very hard work and very frustrating. By living apart, ex was able to engage with him in a way that was manageable for him, and now our son is older he is able to cope much better, and they are close. I have put in a huge amount of time and energy into teaching my son how to deal with frustrating and difficult circumstances without exploding. It is something I do constantly. I am determined that he will be able to cope better.

Ex has mellowed a lot over the years, but does still have a temper. In many many ways he is absolutely delightful. BUT it is not nice to be waiting for someone to explode.

Think very carefully before continuing your relationship. How would your DP react if he was v busy workwise, and was confronted with a baby that would not stop crying? Are you confident he would be able to control himself?

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 24/07/2022 19:32

AnotherEmma · 24/07/2022 17:29

Sorry but I don't think you should marry or have children with him. Arguments and anger get worse when you add children, sleep deprivation, tantrums etc into the mix.

100% this, I’m afraid. :-(

bluegardenflowers · 24/07/2022 19:33

So his 'true self' is someone who can threaten and intimidate you? It's abuse and he is abusing you, please get out before it's too late. I like many others was in this type of relationship. You are lucky that he is showing you his true self before you commit and have children. Most wait until you are pregnant.

2bazookas · 24/07/2022 19:33

He's shown you "his true self " and you should walk away. Away from a man who threatens with punches "near you". He justifies verbal abuse and physical threats of violence with " he had a bad day at work". One day, that temper punch will be aimed at your face or your child's head.

Its not good enough to be "lovely when he's in a good mood". You need to feel safe and secure ALL THE TIME, even in the midst of a row.

He's had chance to address his anger issues and didn't bother. That's his true self. He's not going to change and doesn't even want to; he doesn't value the relationship enough to do it for you.

Paq · 24/07/2022 19:37

RUN.

FizzyPiglet · 24/07/2022 19:37

I've only read your updates OP so hopefully others have said this...

If you don't want to leap up heart racing in the night when the baby cries because it makes him cross and shitty the next day.
If you don't want to see him purple faced raging at your (probably small) child.
If you don't want to dread that child becoming a challenging teenager.
If you want to be able to have hard conversations without fear of him flipping his lid.
If you don't want to fear getting old or ill and being left in the care of an angry man.

Then sort this out now.

Fuck 'true self' - what shite.
He's an emotionally incontinent child pissing his rage all over you and expecting you to take it.

layladomino · 24/07/2022 19:38

Please run.

And no, all couples don't fight. It isn't normal to fight in a healthy relationship. Honestly, I've been with DH many years and we've never 'fought', We've disagreed but always respectfully. No shouting, sulking, insulting.

This is not a good relationship. He will get worse. Imagine being his child?

nca · 24/07/2022 19:41

Leave. And whatever you do, do not marry him

Regularsizedrudy · 24/07/2022 19:41

Punching objects/damaging possessions is classed as domestic abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. It will only get worse if you get married or have kids.

MGMidget · 24/07/2022 19:46

I think babies and children will triggerhis temper more than a stressful workplace. It is scary for children to have a parent shouting and smashing things in front of them. There is also a risk he smashes a child one day too. Personally, I would seehis behaviour as a red flag and get out now but I appreciate that is going to be hard to do. Maybe talk to a domestic violence helpline to find out more about how violence develops in relationships or read up on this to help you decide.

Mmmmdanone · 24/07/2022 19:50

I was married for a long time to a man who intimidated me with his bad tempers. Now we are separated it feels like such a relief. You don't have to live being scared of aggressive behaviour. I did for far, far too long.