To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

It's possible, especially since he's 16. But only with your DH's agreement. Would you get it?

I'm not sure of the legalities but is it possible to approach social services to suggest an informal fostering arrangement given his father's past behaviour and their involvement.

It seems like a non-brainer for him to stay with you as his father sounds awful and would make his life a misery. You sound lovely btw and could make such a difference to this young man's life.

I think you would be absolutely within your rights to do that and at 16 he's old enough to decide for himself where he wants to live. You sound like a very kind person who deserves much better than this abuse. I hope your ex goes quietly.

At 16 dss can live where he liked so he can just say he wants to live with you

And his Dad can not stop him

Your would both need to be very firm and ideally maybe with some help when telling him

Though tell him tactfully and not in a forcefully way

Maybe give dss the offer in front of his Dad then Dss can pick you

I think you can as DSS is now 16. He can choose to not live with a parent if he doesn’t want to, and doesn’t need his dads consent. There was a girl at my DDs school that went to live with friends at 16 because her mother was abusive. I know for a fact she did sixth form while living there and then went on to Uni.

He's 16...so technically could leave home anyway... Even though he's still a legal minor.

Of course, he should stay with you - he sounds a lovely lad! And you can continue to give him stability.

He also needs protecting from his abusive father.

In the first instance I'd run this past social services... You could so this anonymously...

And just lay this out... And ask if there's anything you need to do? .. Other than binning your ex and reinforcing to stepson he has a forever home with you and his sister.

Good luck!

You sound like a wonderful stepmum. Yes let dss stay with you. Let him know he's got a home with you.

You may need to plan this and speak with police/social care for advice e.g. about a restraining order as well (if SS) wanted to stay with you so that you are not harraessed continually...

I really don’t know at this stage. DH can be very spiteful and manipulative and I wouldn’t put it past him to kick up a fuss just to spite me and DSS.

DSS has told me a few times to kick his father out and I’ve said no because I didn’t want DSS to go with him but DSS just shrugs his shoulders and says it’s not my fault, like he’s resigned to the fact he’s stuck with this abusive, horrible excuse for a father. But I’m getting from people posting, he doesn’t have to be. That’s making me feel better.

A friend of mine did exactly the same but the child was a bit younger 8/9 , she's now an adult and very close to my friend and has no relationship with her violent alcoholic father, her mother left when she was a baby and had her own issues with drugs and mh, so she calls my friend mum, the relationship itself was only around 18 months but my friend is unable to have biological children and she says she feels it was meant to be so she could be in the girl's life. The father wasn't bothered about the child going with him though. Would he fight it?

Please do all you can. To keep DSS with you he sounds lovely and doesn't deserve his awful dad. Might be worth a call to SS to look at your options

Maybe give dss the offer in front of his Dad then Dss can pick you

God no, not in front of an abusive man!

Good on you for doing this, OP. Both the chucking out of the arsehole, and the offer to the DSS. I can imagine his father will be infuriated by the idea so it will have to be very carefully planned and communicated to keep you and the boy safe.

At 16 yr ds's can decided for himself where he lives. The police would only be interested if you /your home wasn't a safe place to be.

OP doesn’t need the dads agreement as DSS is 16. DSS can live wherever he wants to without any parents consent.

Have a conversation with your DSS and make it really clear that you want him to stay with you and your daughter. Tell him the reason you have been putting off telling his father to leave is because you don’t want him to go with his dad. The last thing you want is for your DSS to be manipulated by his dad and for him to think he needs to go too and is not wanted. As soon as your husband gets a whiff of you wanting his son to stay he will put pressure on him to leave. Stay strong x

At 16, his father is responsible for ensuring he has somewhere to live. Nobody will come dragging him out of a safe and comfortable home against his will. Thank you for looking out for a boy who needs you.

Social worker here, absolutely you can let him live with you without parental consent. What you are doing is really powerful for him in terms of providing him with stability. Please be thoughtful about asking how you ask him to leave, seek some advice from Women's Aid to think through how to do it safely for you and your DD and DSS.

Good on you for being brave and getting rid of this abusive arsehole.

Prioritise your safety, make sure you can leave/kick him out safely.

Your DSS can legally live with you, his father is still legally responsible for his well-being though. I would give social services the heads up, otherwise he could start playing games and reporting you etc

Yes he can and should stay with you - he sounds lovely. The most important thing here is he needs a stable environment and to feel loved and cared for - 16 is such a vulnerable age for a young person.
Do make sure you tell him OP he is loved and cared for and he does not have to go with his dad and he can stay with you . At 16 they really need to hear you say it!

Aw you’re lovely. Yes do all you can to keep dss

I think it's a no brainer that your DSS should continue living with you, but will your husband leave? I know it's your house, but doesn't he have a legal right to live in the marital home? How long have you been married and will he be able to make a claim on it?

I have no advice but wanted to say you sound so lovely. Good luck with getting rid of this man and offering a safe home to this boy.

Contact social services to see if they can advise on whether DSS can stay with you. Alternatively a solicitor can advise

Maybe give dss the offer in front of his Dad then Dss can pick you

Terrible advice - please don't do this! Speak to dss first let him know you really want him to stay but that he'll have to be firm and strong if he wants to and his dad objects. Be prepared to call the police. Involve social services if you need to. He sounds lovely and so do you. Hope it goes well

Surely if you are married it isn't 'your' house. Obviously you want him out but I don't think it's as simple as just telling him to leave with nothing.