To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

Well said @tentative3

Op I don't have much advice but see a lawyer and give the boy plenty notice. Tell him the door is always open.

But you sound a lovely caring individual xx

OP just to say you sound incredible and thank god DSS has you looking out for him....the very very best of luck xx

Surely the one and only person at blame is the abuser???

I haven’t read the whole thread but if you and DSS want it I don’t see what it has got to do with your H. DSS is 16 and old enough to live where he wants. Sorry you’ve been in a crap situation and glad you have seen the light

i think you’re absolutely amazing to think about your DSS during what must be a stressful time for you when you’re having to cope with separating from your DH too. I don’t know what’s legal in this situation, but I hope your DSS gets to stay with you.

All.the best and positivity op

I thought this. Friends of ours lived together for a year before marrying, in the house owned outright by one partner - it was inherited some years before the couple met. They were only married for two years and this was added to the time they were cohabiting. Because it was less than five years, the court decided that the house was not part of the marital pot and the other partner was not entitled to a share. There are lots of caveats though, and if there’s a mortgage on a house with only one partner named on the deeds, they would then look at whether the other partner is contributing to the payments. Children resident in the house are also high on the list of priorities

I can't offer any advice, I'm sorry. I just wanted to say that your dss is very lucky to have you. You're a good person.

'stay with'?

She's wanting to get the fucker out.

Poor children :( poor you too… get rid ASAP you will all be happier in the end
my heart breaks for the children no- one would hurt my daughter I would kill xxx

good luck OP - what a lovely stepmum you are.

Get legal advice and that twat out your house. Your dss is 16 so technically could stay with you

At 16 your DSS can choose where to live, I guess your DH could protest, but there wouldn’t be a way for him to force DSS to move with him.

I would get some advice from women’s aid, citizens advice or social services though, so you have a plan. You will need to tell DSS in advance, and then you can say to ex that it’s best for DSS to stay with you for consistency with school etc - don’t personalise it so he doesn’t loose face.

You will also need to see a solicitor so roll it all into one. You sound like a lovely step mum and life is about to get much better for you, DD and DSS

I agree about getting advice. Hope you can do what is best for you, your DD and DSS.

@KickOut
I'm so sorry that you're all going through this, particularly for your DSS, what an awful start to his life. Thank goodness he has you on his side.

I don't think you need any advice from me, but I will send you strength and luck and all good wishes for the future. I do hope you're able to keep DSS in your life and to help him going forward.

Tearful reading this, get this thing rolling and enjoy the rest of your life.

Tearful reading this, get this thing rolling - get the swine out and enjoy the rest of your life.

Wow. Some very harsh and upsetting posts though it is AIBU so I suppose I should have expected it. Shaming me isn’t really helpful right now though.

This is so ignorant. It’s not so simple as “right you’re abusive get your shit and go”. No one “allows” an abuser to abuse. With abuse is all kinds of gaslighting and reality bending so the victims question what is actually happening. They doubt themselves. The abusers are very good at manipulation and convincing victims that abuse isn’t abuse or isn’t that bad that they’re over-reacting or even that the victim is the abusive one…as in I wouldn’t have screamed at you and flung the plate across the room if you hadn’t emotionally abused me and put me over the edge.

Ignore it OP. I’ve been there, it took me a year of counselling before I had the strength to end my abusive marriage. You’re doing a great thing.

The victim blaming on here is horrible - some people really need to educate themselves. While they're at it, they could read the OPs posts where she explains how the daughter hasn't generally been the target of abuse, so all their blaming isn't even based on fact.

OP - I think you are doing briliantly balancing the needs of TWO children who both need you. As previous posters have said, and I'm sure you will, do make it very clear to your DSS that you WANT him to stay, and that anything his father says to him with regard you/him being wanted by you is very likely to be made up. It sounds like the father would try to convince his son he's not wanted, just to spite you.

Hi all

Just a reminder - we don't allow victim blaming of any sort. Please bear this in mind when posting.

OP - we're going to move your thread out of AIBU now.