To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

If you live in Scotland a 16 year old can choose where to live.
I think if your SS stays with you I don’t think his dad could force him.

I would be getting the ball rolling asap regarding divorce as three years is considered a short marriage, you leave with what you came with and there are no needs involved.

My sister was granted adoption by her step mother when she was 15 so very likely it would be difficult for your DH to enforce parental rights over his son, especially if there's abuse involved.

Contact Womens Aid. You can do it by phone or email. They can put you in touch with legal advice re; a divorce and separation of assets plus anything to do with DSS and provide support with ending the relationship.

What a complete wanker of a man. OP you sound lovely, these narcissistic types will seek you out like a heat seeking missile and then destroy you if it gets there needs met. Get out as soon as you can.

You are a lovely woman op. Hope it works out

Glad to hear he has his own assets and won't try and take yours. I think you just need to tread very carefully about how you get rid of him. Do you have male friends and family members who can support you? He is such a bully, it will be helpful if he knows you have others on your side. Your DSS will be so much happier staying with you.

Yes. He is horrible, but clearly a fantastic actor. I never thought I would fall for this kind of bullshit and end up like this. I know I absolutely need to end it now before I lose myself anymore. I can feel myself being slowly chipped away.

Do I talk to DSS now or wait until I’ve got more of an idea of practicalities and legalities? Part of me wants to tell him but another wants to wait. I don’t know what’s best.

Wait until you know for sure more about the practicalities, uncertainity causes a lot of unrest in the children, it is best to wait to tell SS until you know how things might work.

to tell DSS not SS

I think, given your husband has other properties he could use and that he will lose more by insisting on an asset split that puts you in a better position. I'd probably give myself 24-48 hours to make some calls just to be certain on the legal situation, options for divorce, getting copies of bank account information and doing any transfers you need to to make sure he doesn't rinse any joint savings etc (i.e. extracting 50%), as well as locating and copying essential documents before you speak to your step son. Then you can give him a heads up so he can make sure he's e.g. extracted his passport and birth certificate from the filing cabinet etc before you ask your husband to leave, but it doesn't matter for you if he can't hold his nerve and ends up telling his dad.

I just can’t do this. I can’t send him away with a man who will abuse him. I know what you’re saying and I know it means it won’t be a clean and complete break, but I can’t do it to DSS. He tries to defend me and DD all the time, even though he knows it means DH will turn on him. I need to do the same for him and the best way of doing that is to give him a way out.

He's old enough to choose, maybe speak to ss about it and see what thet say

DO NOT speak to your DSS in front of his father! What a terrible position to put him in! It would be extremely difficult for him to say, in front of his abusive father, that he would prefer to live with his stepmother. Speak to him before you speak to his father, tell him you love him and you would be really happy for him to stay with you, but you can't live with his father any more and you are going to ask him to leave. Emphasise that he is a loved and valued member of your family and that you really want him to stay - you are not offering because you feel sorry for him or out of pity.
Good luck!

I would try to get a handle on the practicalities and legalities before talking to your DS. This is undoubtedly going to be a tough situation for him even if he knows his dad is an asshole, so I would try to remove as many grey ares as you can and be in a position to help him understand what he has the ability to decide for himself and how it can work.

I would speak to your SS first, he and your DD are your priority. He's old enough to have a conversation with you about it. I'd tell him you are planning to tell your DH to leave but that you would really want SS to stay if that's what he would like to do.

I want really be absolutely and unequivocally clear that to your SS that he has a home with you for however long he'd like to, whether you and his DF are together or not.

Is your daughter his? I hope not.

YANBU and you sound absolutely lovely.

If DSS's father does kick up a fuss, given that DSS is 16 years old, can testify that his father is physically abusive, has had social services intervene in the past and was taken into foster care, I suspect a court would agree that your house is the best place for him. That wouldn't necessarily mean you would be his legal guardian, though, so anything that needs parental permission might be difficult. However, that's only going to be an issue for an absolute maximum of two years until he turns 18, so in practice maybe not likely to cause problems.

Don't ask in front of his dad. He'll feel intimidated and might choose his dad through fear,.
I would check with SS although I'm pretty sure at 16 he can decide where to live but at least you've covered yourself.
He sounds like he's nothing like his dad and you sound lovely for giving him the chance for a better life. Better for you and your DD too.

You sound lovely op.

Not read the thread but this happened to my dd ex. His mum was not around so lived with his dad. Dad met/moved in with a lovely lady and ex was 12yrs. At 14yrs his father left but ex stayed with this woman and her own children. He didn't leave her house until he was 22yrs and still considers her his mum, her children are his siblings. He had no contact with his real mum or dad.

Good luck with kicking your dh out

Agree about getting advice and sorting your thoughts and plans before telling him.

Then you can tell him you want him to stay and show him how you have found a way to make this possible.

Good luck, do it soon, don't waste any longer living with such a person.

A quick google would tell you that yes a 16 year old can legally live wherever they want (Childline, NPSCC, .gov.uk). His father does still have parental responsibility until 18 but if he refused to provide for his son, your SS may be entitled to benefits via the council etc. That can be explored later once you have got your husband out of the house and have started divorce proceedings.

After a family breakdown I left home at 16 to live with an extended family member, and completed my secondary education whilst there. Withut their help I was going to have to leave school and get a job which I really didn't want to do. It also allowed me to get the qualifications that meant in my 20's I was able to go to university. What you are doing is so important and your stepson will never forget your support.

Get legal advice. Form and action plan. Do it. At 16, your DSS gets to vote with his feet. There's nothing your dh can do other than be unpleasant. Which he is already.

You sound amazing. You are more of a parent than your stbx

Definitely get some legal advice, I’m sure it will be fine as he’s 16. Good luck