To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

You seem like a lovely person. Your DSS is very lucky to have you.

I’m sure somebody else’s if it’s already but at 16 basically you can live wherever he wants and he does not lead his father‘s permission to stay or leave anywhere.

Just to say, that if your DSS decides to stay with you, you could explore the possibility of acquiring Parental Responsibility via the courts, as this would give you some legal standing n DSS's life, and at least equal to his father.
In the nineties I knew of a young person where adoption proceedings were started as a seventeen year old, and the order was gained weeks before his 18th birthday. This obviously made him a fully legal member of the family he lived with forever.
Is this something that you may consider?
His father would not agree by the sounds of it, but it is possible for the courts to dispense with his consent.

Take professional advice (WAid, Lawyer, SS).
Form a Plan.
Tell DSS that you have found a way for him to stay with you. Safe. Wanted.
Kick exH out.

You are a star, btw x

Legally, you don't need DH's agreement. DSs is old enough to decide for himself where he wants to live.

Your DSS sounds like a lovely, caring and mature young man, you are both lucky to have each other. You are amazing for offering stability to your DSS who sadly doesn’t have a parent who can give him that. I hope you three have a wonderful future together.

DSS can absolutely decide for himself at 16. I know this because my own DS left home at 16 to live with his abusive father and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it but to respect his wishes.

There really are no legalities here. At 16 he can live where he chooses asong as wherever it's is deemed to be "suitable " ie not a squat.

You are awesome OP :)

The love, stability and respect you are giving your stepson will remain with him for the rest of his life. Dead serious.

If at all possible, keep your poor SS with you. He deserves so much better than his father.

The difference is OP is not his parent and that may be a sticking point. 16 may well be the age of consent for sex but it's not the age of consent for everything, particularly if his father refuses to give his consent.

OP, please seek proper legal advice on the situation and potential pitfalls before doing or saying anything. You clearly have his best interests but you're not his parent and that's significant where consent is concerned.

Just because lots of armchair experts on here tell you he can do whatever he wants at 16 doesn't necessarily make it true.

Would she need the dads permission at 16? can't a person live on their own at that age?

You can kick dh out and DSS could stay without any parental consent.
As pp have stated at 16 he can make his own decision and the police will not be interested unless there's concern for his safety.
My colleagues son left home on his 16th birthday. Moved in with girlfriend and her dad who was an alcoholic. Police initially checked out the home saw him and girlfriend supporting each other, couldn't do anything as although dad was an alcoholic he was not deemed a great to either.

Not just ‘armchair experts’. Childline agree.

www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/your-rights/your-rights/

I would tell DH to go. He might try to use DSS as blackmail, threaten to take him to spite you.

But you need to establish if your home is secure. I think you need legal advice.

Even if he makes DSS go with him, DSS can always come back to you.

No idea on the legalities but i so hope this works out, what a wonderful relationship you have with your DSS he sounds like a wonderful young man. Fight for him, he deserves it.

Please speak to a solicitor and womens aid. They will be able to support you and give you advice regarding dss and your home.
Even though it’s your home, it’s his marital home so I think he can still have some claim to it. My dh and i sold his house to buy a new one. He owned it before we were married and I was not on the title deeds but the lawyer advised that if I was unhappy with the sale or didn’t want to move then I’d have a claim as it’s still my marital home.

I think it’s amazing of you to want to care and look after dss properly! I hope it all works out for you and you can get this man out of your life!

Please make copies of all essential paperwork, and keep yours safely.

Definitely give Dss enough advance warning so he has time to mull things over and talk to you. It will be unsettling for him, but the changes that take place will be anyway.
Don't ask him to choose in front of his dad. Make it clear that if he stays he can later choose to leave, it isn't put all your all eggs in one basket time.

Be aware reasons mum isn't in the picture may not be what DSS or you have been told. But also that he may well have years of being told 'even his own mother didn't want him' or similar, and those things have cummulative effects.

When it actually comes to it, if he's been well enough groomed, the fear of losing 'his only blood family' may see him go with his dad.

At 15 having already been passed around a bit, I had to make far reaching decisions for when I was 16. I'd been systematically manipulated into believing everything was my fault and I was responsible for so much. I was a burden.
The idea that I'd be wanted or cared about by anyone who wasn't obliged in some way, would have been difficult to process or believe because of what I'd been drip fed. I also felt horribly responsible for damage to others, so made decisions based on protecting them, not considering myself to have any value.

BTW I automatically paid my way without asking too, as well as helping out a lot. It was actually a sign of how I viewed my position, which was probably incorrectly interpreted by nicer adults, while easily spotted by manipulative ones.

Based on all you've said, I'd be telling him that if he leaves and it goes badly, your door is still open to him.

I don’t know the answers to your problems, but wanted to say - what a hugely valuable thing for your dss to know that you want him, and love him, and are looking out for him. You will quite literally change the course of his life. I wish you all the very best of luck escaping from your dh, and a happy future once he is out of the picture.

Please do it.

I know an adult man who has never got over when his father and step-mother (who cared for him since birth - she was the nanny his father employed when his mother died giving birth to him) split up.

He had to go with his abusive father, and not with his step-mother and other half-siblings.

Is there any way you can speak to social work or a solicitor to see whether you've got a chance of keeping DSS with you?
Hats off to you @KickOut, I agree it's the "right" thing to try and do and I hope you manage

What a great person you are -kudos to you

i wold get some legal adivce and then ask your dss what hewould like to do with all the facts-im hopeing at that age he cant be forced to go anywhere he doesnt want to

Your ds can live with whoever the hell he wants at 16

it is your property

invite whomever the heck you want to live there

Get legal advice re getting your dh out of your and your dd's life and also getting a support allowance for dss for you as his foster carer/next of kin. I'm not sure how they do this now but a friend bought up a relative with her dcs and had an allowance. But your dss is entitled to be supported until he's 18 and later if he goes to uni and if you can do it this way it's a complete break from your dss. Good luck

I would be really open with your DSS rather than present him with a 'fait accompli' having figured out all the practicalities. I actually think that that it will make him feel more in control and secure if he can help work through the practicalities with you.

Uncertainty does make children feel very insecure, but only if they feel they have no control. If they feel that they have all the information that the adults have, and are involved in trying to make the probabilities fall the way they want them, they will feel better even if it doesn't all work out exactly right.

Here the main security that your dss needs is the rock solid knowledge that you want him to stay and that he will always be welcome at yours. I think that will go a very long way to make him feel better and anything you can do to reaffirm that is a good thing.