To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

OP you sound like such a lovely person!
Bless you.

You could do as per advice given by Pp but I soild be aware this leaves you tied to an abusive man :(

No, do not do this!!! Awful advice!!

In the eyes of SS because DSS is over 16 he can live with you and you dont need to even inform them as he is out of age range for private fostering.

Please get this man out of all your lives ASAP.

The DD has been subjected to this for the last 2.5 years. Verbal abuse.

and he hasn’t been kicked out yet. The op is still navel gazing about it. Whilst her 12 year old DD has no choice like the DSS.

Speak to SS yourself and explain that you need DH to leave as he's being abusive but DSS needs to stay for stability and because his Dad is abusive to him.

If he tells the he wants to stay with you they'll let him stay. He's too old to be forced to go with his Dad.

It's your house so you have every right to kick him out. If you need to, have the locks changed while he's out and put his things out.

Sorry you're going through this, OP

As a side note OP, it's lovely that you're willing to do this for that boy, sounds like that poor kid could do with someone kind like you in his corner, well done

If dss feels the need to go with his dad (he might, for complex reasons) and you've told him he always has a home with you, then there's nothing to stop him coming back to you after even just a day. As long as he knows all that in advance, he will have the security of knowing he can choose to live where he's loved and wanted.

Very good you're getting rid.

Well she's obviously concerned and cares about both. Just because he's not blood related doesn't mean they aren't family. It takes a better person to do what that child's parents should be doing and she won't want him to be alone with that bully as much as her own DD.

Yes he's 16 can live where he wants can't he

You don’t necessarily need DH’s agreement. At 16 if SS got involved it is highly likely they will go with what he wants. He can’t be forced to see his dad. There might be advantages to formalising with SS in terms of PR but it would probably take so long you almost better off with just leaving it. I’d inform the school/college though so they can support him.

Get some advice from Women's Aid on how to go forward with getting him out safely, OP, while keeping stepson with you and safe.

Kick out thank you for welcoming my insight. I'm glad you can see there may be more than meets the eye behind some of your DSS's qualities.
I'd like to add that IME, prh47bridge (normally found on legal) is very experienced and that while you may be able to talk stbex out, I would take note:

prh47bridge
Haven't read the full thread. However, on the legalities, your step son is old enough to choose where he lives. You do not need his father's consent nor does there need to be any involvement from social services.

However, you cannot simply kick your husband out despite owning the house. As it is the matrimonial home, you need to go to court and get an occupation order.

Tell DSS that he is welcome to stay and at the same time tell his dad to get out at once, If he gives any shit then ring the police immediately.
Its nothing to do with social services unless there are threats of physical violence.

No advice but just want to tell you that you sound wonderful. DSS is very lucky to have you

What a lovely Stepmum you are!

Nothing to add but you sound lovely. I’d tell DSS that you’re going ask DH to leave and you 100% want dss to stay and you’ll make it happen.
the advice to talk to domestic abuse services and SS is good and also telling your friend in really life will be a huge source of support

I was in the same position OP.

Split up with my ex, who had an affair.

DSS stayed with me. 16.

Maybe he could have got some benefits but his dad (through maintenance) and I supported him until he went to university.

No outside agencies were interested. He was 16 and safe!

I am absolutely not ignoring my DD. Not at all. But the fact is that the overwhelming majority of abusive behaviour is directed at me and DSS. DH will occasionally pick on DD, usually to provoke DSS or me, but largely ignores her (which is poor behaviour in itself I know). I know that once is too many times. I am doing something about it.

I've been researching some of what has been advised here, and have a telephone appointment booked with a family law solicitor to get some professional advice. In the meantime I’ll be keeping the peace until I figure out next steps. Thanks for the support provided here.

Best of luck OP, do keep us updated.

Could you speak to DSS alone before you tell your husband, tell him what you have wrote here, get an idea of what he wants. If he wants to live with you, then you can keep him as he's 16. If the laws are different where you are, you can approach SS about a kinship informal fostering arrangement, but it may open up an assessment again. How long until he is 17? You sound lovely OP.

If it is something you genuinely want to understand then I would suggest that a thread about a poster's own, current, experience is not the place to learn and you may wish to look elsewhere to expand your knowledge. If you don't feel you will ever be able to understand the complexities around relationships in which abuse is a factor then I guess you'll just have to accept that and not involve yourself in threads or conversations about those issues.

You're doing well. Good luck!

So there'll be a connected persons team in your council's children's services team. It's not a private fostering arrangement as he's over 16 but they will be able to advise on your STBX's right about DSS staying with you.