To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

Sorry but why does your 16 year old stepson give you money?

Are you in England or Scotland? In Scotland a 16 year old can leave home without parental permission so there's no reason why he can't leave his father and stay with you.

I'm not sure what the position in England and Wales is.

He says it’s to help buy food as he eats a lot. It’s twenty quid here and there. I don’t take it every time but when he insists I have been putting it away to give back to him when he needs it but he doesn’t know that.

I think all teenagers should be encouraged to give a proportion of their earnings to parents. It shows maturity and is preparation for adult life.

Well done OP for juggling so many balls whilst trying to cope with an abusive OH. All credit to you for the great relationship you share with not only your DD but SS. What a fabulous, considerate and responsible boy he sounds and most of that is no doubt down to you as a result of your influence, loving care you have given him over the years. Probably the first stability the lad has known. No easy task at times with teenagers.

The thing is you have only a tiny snapshot of my life on this thread from which you are making completely unreasonable judgements about me, my character and my parenting. I didn’t report your earlier posts, someone else did. You’re entitled to your ignorant opinion I suppose but now you’ve said it again, please just fuck off and leave me alone to try and deal with my situation.

Please do all you can, he sounds such a lovely boy and so deserves a happy home.
I wish you well too, and hope you find happiness.

I haven't read the whole thread, just your posts op.

I just want to say that you are doing a wonderful and brave thing. I hope it all works out for you. I worry your DSS will go with his Dad because he's been brainwashed and also had such a difficult life with abandonment from both his parents.

I really wish you the best, you sound like you have your head screwed on and a huge heart, you've got this.

I agree with you

even if not verbally Avis or to the DD for the entire 2.5 years, for her to be in this environment would have been deeply distressing for her.

My first priority would always be to my 12 year old DD who has absolutely no other option.

The DSS would be very welcome to stay but if he chose to go with his father - that would be his prerogative. SS would be entirely disinterested in where a 16 year old chooses to reside so it really is down to the DSS where he wants to live, as long as he knows my home open to him.

but the dh would have been out on his ear the nano second he dared to be verbally abusive to my young daughter

People really need to stop with their extremely ignorant and unhelpful views.

Op should have left years ago? Yeah, no shit! You think op doesn't know that? You think every woman in an abusive relationship doesn't know that?
It's never that simple. People stay in abusive relationships for decades. It's horrendous and heartbreaking, and what these women need is support and help to leave, not 'oh you should have left sooner' 🙄 Honestly, some people.

Par for the course, sadly. I posted two weeks ago about an issue I was having with someone and got tons of comments rubbishing my character and "I bet you're the kind of person who does x and y" that were completely irrelevant and incorrect. Why posters have to say things that are unhelpful is beyond me.

Agreed. Many posters have no idea what is like to be broken down by an abusive partner. To lose your sense of self. The fight goes out of you, your exhausted from constantly walking on egg shells, always being wrong, the gaslighting etc. The younger the kids are the more you have to worry about shared custody. One they are older they get more of a say. You don’t know how you would react in that situation until they are in it themselves.
It’s very important we support women to get away from abusive partners. Give them support and believe in them. The judgement is unnecessary as OP will most likely have plenty of that for herself.
Best of luck OP. Once your get away from him you will finally be able to breathe again. I hope DSS stays with you.

I feel awful today. Just awful. I’m trying to write a list of questions to ask the solicitor when I speak to them but I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid they’re going to tell me that I should stay and work harder at my marriage. It’s all such a mess.

Imagine reading the OPs posts about abuse and picking on this sentence ffs

OP, I think it's good for teens to hand up a small portion of money too, we as parents are supposed to be teaching them about life and how to be independent. He sounds like a great kid your DSS

They won't say that! You need to find that strength to do this OP, for both the children's benefits as well as your own

They won't tell you that! Also, don't feel awful - feel proud you are getting two children safe!

@KickOut you have to remember that you engage a solicitor for their professional knowledge and guidance with regard to the law and how it will best serve you. They're not people who are there to sit in judgement.

When you put across your questions make them as clear, concise and factual as possible.

Op your solicitor will be on your side, that's their job, it's how they make money. They aren't there to preach or provide marriage guidance.

Your stbxh has really worn you down to make you think that.
Keep strong 💪

no solicitor will tell yu that dont worry

No solicitor would ever tell you that, don't worry. As many on here say: you don't need an iron-clad, faultlessly argued reason, or a million separate reasons, to end a relationship. It is enough for you just to want to end it because it isn't working for you; even if it weren't, from what you've said, you have many complete and adequate reasons to do so.

Your solicitor will provide the advice you need. As for your DSS, I understand what some previous posters have said that he might be sufficiently traumatized as to want to stay with his father, out of a sense of obligation, guilt, or whatever. I suppose all you can do is - once you feel you have enough information from the solicitor and are far enough ahead with your plans - reassure him that you want him to stay, you love him, you are there for him always, and even if he feels he has to go, that he can always, always come back. He's not quite an adult, but he is at a point where social services will listen to his wishes.

Also, while change and drama are upsetting and destabilising, don't underestimate the very powerful impact it will have on him and your DD to see for themselves that no one has to put up indefinitely with bad behaviour. They will see you modelling strength and resolve and self-defence, and that will be extraordinary.

OP hang in there. His abuse is in your ear making you feel bad. You'll be rid of him soon enough.
You sound lovely and so does your DSS. Definitely tell him you love him, want him to stay, and want to be his mum. He probably has gone through life thinking he's just an unwanted burden.

Yes OP, ignore the nasty comments on here, you are doing an amazing thing.
Clearly some posters here are clueless about the effects of emotional abuse.
You are very brave and are doing the right thing for you, DD and DSS.
Stay strong, we’re all behind you.

Exactly I was on a work placement with YT and had to pay my mum £10 rent out of my £29.50 a week I got.