To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

Just wanted to say well done for finding the courage to leave DH.
You sound like a fab step mum, i hope he is able to stay with you so you can all support each other as a unit of 3.

Thanks for your comments and advice. I will definitely get some legal advice about both financial and DSS before taking next steps. I’m going to speak to a friend about it all over dinner tomorrow too.

@Elleherd Thankyou for this insight. I am concerned that DSS feels similarly. He is always apologising to me and DD for his fathers behaviour no matter what I say to him. His father has definitely used psychological abuse as a weapon against him along with the verbal and previous physical abuse. I’ll make sure to tell DSS he can always come here no matter what. Thank you.

Keep us posted on how you get on OP. We are rooting for you. Stay strong. Your daughter and step son need you. I’m delighted your husband has more assets than you so unlikely to want/demand a share of your house. Get shot of him x

Haven't read the full thread. However, on the legalities, your step son is old enough to choose where he lives. You do not need his father's consent nor does there need to be any involvement from social services.

However, you cannot simply kick your husband out despite owning the house. As it is the matrimonial home, you need to go to court and get an occupation order.

DSS is 16 and old enough to make up his own mind about who he wants for live with. A friend of mine split up with her partner. They have two children together and oldest stepson.(15) When they split up the stepson stayed.

She has brought him up though since he was a toddler. Not had much contact with mother. But he was sofa surfing so different circumstances.

Just tell him he's welcome to stay even if his dad no longer lives there.

He’s 16 he can legally live where he wants to live. It’s nice that you would like him to stay

Thank you on behalf if you dss. You could well be the difference between him growing up as a fairly stable adult and a really screwed up one.

www.dvassist.org.uk/

DV Assist can help with Occupation Orders.

Good luck, hope you can sort some funding for dss, especially if he wants to go to uni. I think the funding available was one reason why my friend was a family fosterer as this dc had a sibling with another family member. You'd be free of any contact with dh

Just wanted to say well done for finding the courage to leave DH.
You sound like a fab step mum, i hope he is able to stay with you so you can all support each other as a unit of 3.

I completely agree!

Good luck OP!
I’d love to hear updates to hear how you’re getting on.

Yes, this is certainly the case in England. It cost me £10k to get shot of my ex-husband, in order to house him 'adequately' by providing him with a deposit. We had both been renting prior and it was a relatively short marriage (5 years).

I got custody of the mortgage. He walked away with his swag bag. If you make the sum reasonably decent and pick up the mortgage, they'll usually snatch your hand off.

However, in turn I was able to claim child benefit and child support after the divorce. (You can apply earlier, but I bided my time because reasons.)

I think I'd keep quiet re dss until
you're at a point where you've finally got dH to leave.
You could tell dss your intention but ask that he doesn't say anything for now.

You sound lovely, wanting to continue to have DSS. You need a SHL, and a child wishes will be taken into consent re where they live (I believe, from something else when I was divorced) but check obs.

I had the house situation, with a longer marriage than that, but it was deemed historical property, so mine.

A SHL will be worth their weight in gold. I went for a woman, as I felt she got me more. Please pick one you think will be on your side. Years ago, I had a bloke who was more interested in my tits, so I sacked him off.

Good luck.

At 16, DSS has legal capacity to decide which parent he lives with. Any court will support his choice to live with a non-abusive stepfamily where he's happy and settled.

I honestly do not see the issue

he could move out and move in to a bed sit if the mood so took his fancy.

he wants to stay. You are happy for him to stay.

DH may well be pissed off but nothing needs to be “run by him”.

How long have you been in his life?

*Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12)

putting dss aside for moment, wtf??? Your dh needs to leave. And if that means for DSS feels guilty and follows him, so be it

BUT you HAVE to prioritise your 12 year old DD

I know everyone praising you for being a great SM, and it is great

but you need to also be a great mum, and protect your young DD

As pp have said a 16 year old has choices, he doesn’t have to go where his father goes.
You can go to SS for advice but I’d just kick the husband out and get the locks changed pronto. He can shout the odds about his son but if the lad doesn’t want to be with him or even see him I can’t see a judge going against that when 3 of you can testify as to his father’s abuse.
Good luck, you and the children should not have to live like this.

Yes the DSS does have choices

The poor 12 year old DD doesn’t, and she seems to have been roundly ignored

Much has been said but I would just add that I think you need to make it very clear to DSS that you actively want him to stay. He probably won't believe it, he's been conditioned to think adults only put up with him because they have to, that he's a burden etc. I know you want it to be his decision but don't use the balanced approach too much, he needs to know that you really want him to stay.

That’s not very fair. By removing the H from the scene the 12 year old will have a much better home life.

No need to kick the OP when she’s down and dealing with it. There’s no 🔮in life.

DSS sounds like a decent lad who deserves a break and OP is doing her best for the three of them.

You sound lovely @KickOut

ss does your dss. Giving you some of his Saturday job money . Bless his heart

make it clear to dss that you want him to stay with you

he doesn’t need to go with his dad

he is 16 and can chose where to live

Sending strength OP well done for protecting both your children. Hope you get some good legal advice, also don't be scared off from getting what you're entitled to from the divorce with his other properties especially as you probably won't get much in the way of child support for his ds. He sounds like the sort who may try to spite you no matter how much in his favour you split your assets so may as well get what you're entitled too. You could consider it compensation for the abuse. X