To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

He sounds like such a lovely boy and you a lovely SM. Agree with everyone, find out what you can legally do and then kick this idiot out. Poor boy, I hope it works out for you all.

Good on you OP. It's already been said but yes, DSS can stay with you without your DPs consent required. Tell DSS that you want him to stay, make sure you have a friend or someone nearby when you tell your DP to leave. Don't even give him the option to discuss DSS.

He is 16 so he can move out legally, therefore his father can't make him leave. His father however can refuse to support him.

definitely! Fight for your DSS. What does his DM think? (Sorry if I missed that bit).

but Women’s Aid - & a solicitor too if you’re married.

Good luck OP

This is lovely of you to want DSS to stay and sounds like the best outcome.

However do just consider that DSS' loyalties may be to his dad, even if he treats him badly. He could be scared of him, or genuinely not want to upset him, so choose to go anyway. It's likely it would cause a pretty longterm issue in their relationship - albeit a totally justifiable one! - if he chose to live with his dad's ex.

You will also have ExDH in your life even once you've removed him, via the ties with DSS. Unless it ends up down a restraining order route.

I don’t know about legalities surrounding the house. We’ve only been married for 3 years. I’ll need to get some legal advice on that. And advice on getting him out.

I feel so stupid. I had no idea when I married him that he was like this. Had no idea how badly he’s treated DSS in the past, nor that DSS was in foster care. DH kept all that from me. It took about 6 months after the wedding for the real DH to start emerging.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house)

Unfortunately it's not as simple as that. You're married. The house is a marital asset.

How long have you been married? The longer the marriage, the more chance that it will be considered a shared asset. It is your 'd'hs home too, and you can't just chuck him out. It's shit, but that's the way it works from a legal perspective.

Good on you for wanting to offer a home to your dss though. He's of an age where he can decide, but again this would need ratifying in court to give you legal powers to claim things like child benefit, CMS etc.

His mum isn’t in the picture. He’s had no contact with her since he was small. We don’t even know where she is.

I definitely would and I really hope you do it as it sounds like you would all be better off without him.
But I would be worried about the ex being spiteful.

At 16 is he legally allowed to move out?
I don’t know if there are rules saying they have to stay at home now until they finish education but if he’s legally allowed to move out then his dad can’t stop him.

Do you have any shared children?

I agree with a PP that as you are married the house is a joint asset so will probably have to be sold and split.

What a wonderful SM you are, your DSS justifiably treasures you.

Good luck

Yes, good idea to see a solicitor. Hopefully Womens Aid will be able to put you in touch with one so at least you have an idea of your rights before you speak to him.

Financially, can you manage to support a teen? I'm guessing your husband won't be paying child support for him but hopefully you'll be able to claim Child Benefit and other benefits (if you need them).

DSS is sixteen he can choose where he lives. Nothing to do with Dad.

kick him out and let the boy stay. You sound like an angel and you will change his life.

Best of luck in the separation I hope it goes smoothly.

This. Hope it works out ok. Both you and your DSS sound lovely xx

This is what I was thinking. If you're married, it's a marital asset and you can't force the husband to leave. You can ask, but if he's as volatile and intimidating as you say, and abusive to boot, then you're best calling women's aid and getting a plan together to separate and forcing a sale on the house.

DSS can still be welcome with you, but it's not as simple as saying please leave and him complying.

@KickOut As PP say, your DSS can choose to stay with you (not easy to choose to free yourself from an abuser, so he may find it hard - but it's definitely possible).

There's every chance you wouldn't have to give your husband too much if you split - short marriage with no children means that he may well get only whatever he brought into the marriage (maybe a bit more if he has been contributing to a mortgage). But you need proper legal advice.

You sound absolutely lovely, btw, and your DSS and DD are very lucky.

The usual situation in a short marriage, especially with children, is to put the two parties back to the situation before they were married. He won't get the house or part of it.

Get moving now OP. The quicker you start this the better.

You should definitely sell legal advice on this. It's a short marriage so hopefully clean break. But I would be staying a paper trail with my go etc so you have proof he was abusive. I would even contact SS our women's aid and ash them to advise on the best way forward to extricate yourself from this man.

@KickOut I think for the moment you need to focus on yourself and your DD. You cannot control what happens with your DSS obviously you can offer him a place to stay but his loyalties will lie with your DH. Get legal advice and try to get a barry h order given the circumstances to keep you and your DD safe. The threshold for such an order is high but it is worth pursuing.

I think re the house get legal advice. Length of marriage may be a factor in equity distribution, a couple I know split after a 2 year marriage - no kids- and 50/50 split was never even considered due to the short marriage and the fact he’d owned the house for about 15 years at that point. She wasn’t named on the house. I think she was awarded a token amount but not even 10% as her ex bumped it up to that. You will also be housing 2 children.

I remember now - this was the rule applied as it was less than 5 years and no children together. They each took away the assets they entered the marriage with.

oratto.co.uk/wiki/family-law-solicitor/short-marriage-divorce/amp

DH actually earns more than me and has 2 properties he owns that he could go to, plus a good pension pot and savings. He just squirrels it all away and keeps it rather than paying his fair share. Splitting assets would cost him more than it would cost me as he has more. He wouldn’t like that at all so in that respect he’d be better to just go and not kick up a fuss about the house. But yes, he is spiteful and will probably go out of his way to make things horrible and difficult in other ways, just because he can. That would probably involve taking it out on DSS, which worries me. I really don’t want DSS to go with him.

What a wanker he is!

Surely at 16 DSS can just decide to stay with you. He could move out if he wanted to.

I have nothing useful to add to the advice you've been given, but just wanted to say that this thread has brought a little tear to my eye - what a wonderful stepmum you are, and what a wonderful stepbrother and stepson he is. I wish you joy and peace as a family of three.