To ask DH to leave but tell DSS he can stay?

[KickOut]

DH is a volatile man. Verbally abusive to me, my DD (12) and his DS (my DSS, 16), does nothing to help around the house, doesn’t contribute equally to bills etc, wants everything his own way, can be physically intimidating. I have really lost myself and I suddenly realised last night after another evening of verbal abuse and mind games that I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore and I want him gone.

My problem is that if I kick him out (it’s my house) then technically DSS goes to, which I don’t want. He is nothing like his father. He helps around the house, he is polite, he’s lovely to my DD (his SS), and he gives me a small percentage of money he earns from his Saturday job without being asked. He hates his father. DH is verbally abusive and threatening to DSS and I know DH has been physically abusive to him in the past. SS have been involved prior to my relationship with DH and DSS lived with a foster family for a short period before going back to his dad. I don’t want him to have to leave and be stuck on his own with a father like that. He’s just about to start college too so needs a stable home environment. I know technically DSS is not my son, but WIBU to kick DH out but tell DSS I want him to stay? Is that even possible?

DSS has no other family that he’s in contact with. His mother is not in the picture.

Remember there are a small (but outsizedly noticeable) proportion of people who post and get off on increasing someone's pain. You see it in almost every thread and they swamp AIBU.

Pick out the posts that are useful and ignore the rest OP. You are very, very much doing the right thing.

Stay strong op. You are doing the right thing.

I spoke to the solicitor today. I was incredibly nervous but she was very nice and explained a lot. She said that DSS cannot be forced to leave with his father if he doesn’t want to and I could consider applying for a child arrangement order if I wanted parental responsibility.

She also advised applying for a non-molestation and occupation order at the same time and that it would be likely that assets would be ordered to go back to pre marriage so I would likely keep my house in a divorce. I’m feeling relieved about that. I’m really nervous about the NMO and OO though. She did say that I don’t have to tell him if I think it will be a problem, that it can be done as a ‘without notice’ order. I don’t know what’s the best way to do it.

Can you trust your DSS to be discrete if you discuss with him what you are planning to do?

The last thing you want is for the NMO to be issued and your DSS thinking you don’t want to see him either.

Whatever you do be careful and put your safety and that of the children before the feelings of your soon to be exH (I know, very difficult to do that when you are conditioned to appease him all the time). If he cannot be trusted to be reasonable, it may be better to get the order issued without notice.

I just don’t know. I don’t know how DH will respond if I tell him before hand. But I’m also worried about not telling him and him figuring out something is going on. He is unpredictable.

I don’t want to tell DSS anything yet.

That's great you sought legal advice.

You have said your DH is volatile and wants everything his own way.
He is not likely to respond well at all to a situation where he feels like he is losing his control of you. The most dangerous time to be around an abuser is when you are leaving.

I would contact Women's Aid for advice on leaving. I would not give him any notice, and I would try to leave altogether and stay at a friend or family members for a few days at the time when he finds out. That way if he reacts badly, you have somewhere safe you can be.

Also.... you can do this OP! You seem very strong and so caring of your DSS. One step at a time, but you can do this!

Don't tell him.

the op shouldnt leave her own house get the order done and then tell himt to leave

Oh you are so lovely
this has warmed my heart

id line up both police and social services before you give him his marching orders

and have a discreet chat with SS and assure him of your planning process and get him on side

you deserve a happy life xxx

Hi OP cal the police if he gets abusive to you in any way. Good luck 🌺

Don't tell him. Call the police if you need help. Can a friend take DSS and DD out of the way, ca someone accompany you while you tell him? Then see DSS immediately and tell him he's staying with you x

Op you have things going in the right direction.

I would speak with Womans Aid, they do so much more than provide hostel services. My friend split from an abusive relationship they were amazing a councilling both her and her DD. And were able to provide advice in dealing with the now ex.

Keep the ball rolling. Do you think DSS would keep your confidence if you told him what you are thinking now?

I think I'd tell him just before 24hrs maybe before you tell H that you want to split. I wouldn't give him weeks to worry and wonder.

Well done on getting legal advice.
It's seems fairly straight forward to get him out. It sounds like the solicitor thinks the without notice order would be best in your situation.
Like PP mentioned, ring Womens Aid about your plan and line up the police in case he kicks off.
Get your backup there and the kids out of the house somewhere safe when you tell him.
You can do this.
These types turn into sniveling cowards when confronted with the police or a judge.

Another one here, sending you support. It's great that you got the legal advice; now get the emotional support you need, too. I have never had to kick out an abusive ex but Women's Aid does this day in and day out. Ditto social services and police. Having them on your side is just sensible planning. I agree with what ppl said up above about doing it with witnesses and the kids out of the way.

Stay safe.

I hope it's going ok for you.