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Original poster

Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

683 replies

Boo123456 · 12/06/2022 19:42

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

OP posts:
Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:16

@Glitteratitar

The majority have said that

NotKevinTurvey · 13/06/2022 10:17

CaptSkippy · 13/06/2022 10:04

Because it's rude and shallow and incredibly entitled to expect someone to change for you.

Show quote history

You must have missed the responses to any thread where a person complains about their husband.

adriftabroad · 13/06/2022 10:17

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:15

So all those saying the op should change because her husband can't change what he finds attractive.

You dont see the problem with that?

Why can't he be the one to change?

Its as easy to change what you find attractive as it is to lose weight

Why is it only down to the op to change to make sure they have a happy marriage?

That is utterly ridiculous.😂

youcantparktheresir · 13/06/2022 10:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nothing 'cool wives' about it.

I'm not attracted to overweight people, and that's okay.

My husband isn't attracted to overweight or obese people either. Not that it matters as he's my husband and I'm not overweight.
But if my DH ballooned and didn't want to acknowledge it or lose weight I would struggle to be attracted to him. Doesn't mean I dont love him.

People are allowed sexual preferences. If I put on weight to a size 18 I wouldn't be offended if my husband and stopped wanting sex. I'd do something about it. It's a two way street. Plus I wouldn't want the health risks with being obese.

So yeah, nothing 'cool wives' about it. It's sexual preference. Nothing to do with wanting sex on tap. He just wants to be attracted to his wife. But then again all men are sex pests, MiSoGyNiStIc (buzzword of the year) or horrible for preferring their wives are not obese. I wouldn't prefer my husband not to be obese. Does that make me out of order too?

No it's not nice to hear but you'd rather brutal honesty than your other half starting an affair with someone he's more attractive to.

youcantparktheresir · 13/06/2022 10:21

SarahAndQuack · 12/06/2022 23:57

I'm curious: would the people who think the OP is in the wrong here also expect their husbands to leave once they hit a certain age? After all, if your husband married you when you were 25, isn't it only natural he will find you a disgusting, hideous crone when you're all of 40? If he left you to date more 25 year olds, that would just be him being 'honest,' right?

Men aren't exempt from ageing either..

We all age. We can't control it.

We can control putting on excessive weight in most situations.

Glitteratitar · 13/06/2022 10:22

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:15

So all those saying the op should change because her husband can't change what he finds attractive.

You dont see the problem with that?

Why can't he be the one to change?

Its as easy to change what you find attractive as it is to lose weight

Why is it only down to the op to change to make sure they have a happy marriage?

Right, so when someone’s husband comes out as trans, the wife should accept it because she change who she is attracted to?

Or lesbians being told they’re transphobic because they won’t have sex with trans women should just change their sexual preferences?

Come on now. It’s human nature to be attracted to whatever someone’s preference is. The idea that you can change that is nonsense. Yes, we do sometimes end up being attracted to someone who isn’t our normal type, but you really cannot help who you are attracted to.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:22

@adriftabroad

Why?

Fairislefandango · 13/06/2022 10:22

No you're not being selfish. But yiu are making excuses. Doing most of the looking after of a four year-old child is not even remotely a reason for not losing weight if you wanted to do so. Eating less or eating more healthily does not actually require 'time to look after yourself'. If it did, all busy people would be overweight.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:24

@Glitteratitar

Exactly.

People don't change.

The billion pound diet industry is proof that most people can't lose weight either

So the liklihood is that neither can change

What now?

Glitteratitar · 13/06/2022 10:25

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:16

@Glitteratitar

The majority have said that

No actually, the majority haven’t said that. The majority have said that attraction is important in a marriage, and if the OP gaining weight has affected that, then she may want to change what is in her control.

To be fair, we don’t know what size OP was before, and whether it is slight weight gain or significant weight gain, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your partner, and it’s not misogynistic, sexist, grim, socially conditioned, etc etc to have your feelings change when your partner changes.

NotKevinTurvey · 13/06/2022 10:25

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:15

So all those saying the op should change because her husband can't change what he finds attractive.

You dont see the problem with that?

Why can't he be the one to change?

Its as easy to change what you find attractive as it is to lose weight

Why is it only down to the op to change to make sure they have a happy marriage?

Change what he finds attractive?

Oh dear. Can we just switch our sexuality then, and decide to be gay or straight?

You seem awfully invested in telling people that they should not be put off by someone who’s obese. What’s the story there?

Glitteratitar · 13/06/2022 10:26

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:24

@Glitteratitar

Exactly.

People don't change.

The billion pound diet industry is proof that most people can't lose weight either

So the liklihood is that neither can change

What now?

Weight does change, and most of the time it’s in our control. So not sure what you mean…

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:29

@NotKevinTurvey

Youve missed the point. I was pointing out that its as daft to suggedt its easy for the op to change as it is to suggest ots eady for the oh to change

Not really.

I've said a few times that if people aren't attracted to overweight people then that's up to them.

I dont really get it tbh but as you say it mostly isn't something people have control over due to social conditioning.

If it means the end of the relationship then that's OK too. No one has to stay in a relationship they're not happy in.

Johnnysgirl · 13/06/2022 10:30

Glitteratitar · 13/06/2022 10:25

No actually, the majority haven’t said that. The majority have said that attraction is important in a marriage, and if the OP gaining weight has affected that, then she may want to change what is in her control.

To be fair, we don’t know what size OP was before, and whether it is slight weight gain or significant weight gain, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your partner, and it’s not misogynistic, sexist, grim, socially conditioned, etc etc to have your feelings change when your partner changes.

Show quote history

Totally agree.

SleeplessInEngland · 13/06/2022 10:30

"The billion pound diet industry is proof that most people can't lose weight either"

Of coure they can, they just mistakenly believe it can be easy and that pills will do all the work for them.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:30

@Glitteratitar

Does it?

Maybe you should look up the research/stats on effective, maintained weight loss

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:31

@SleeplessInEngland

The diet industry is based on far more than pills.

adriftabroad · 13/06/2022 10:33

I am guessing Topgub is a healthy size 10. But sticking up for healthy size 18.

Will not stick.

OP lose some weight for you and your child. (Your DH if you want to stay married) Size 18 is obese, even if you are 6ft.

CharlieLo · 13/06/2022 10:33

Yeah sorry but if my OH became obsese I personally wouldn't be attracted to him either, and not just appearance wise. We're both fit and active and love going out for walks and eating well, what partly attracted me to him in the first place is that he considers being fit and healthy important.
Not finding obsese people attractive is not a phobia for god's sake.

However we don't know the full story behind OP's post. What weight was she previously, how did her DH approach it, is he going to be supportive so she has time to workout etc.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:34

@adriftabroad

Your comment doesn't make sense

SleeplessInEngland · 13/06/2022 10:35

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:31

@SleeplessInEngland

The diet industry is based on far more than pills.

Yes, usually based around easy, quick fixes which don't work.

But your assertion that 'most people can't lose weight' is utterly absurd.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:36

@SleeplessInEngland

It isn't.

All the research shows that most overweight people don't achieve or maintain significant weight loss

Even gastric bands have really limited success

ArcheryAnnie · 13/06/2022 10:37

We’ve been seeking out healthy mates for hundreds of millions of years.

And what is deemed sexually attractive has varied widely both over time and between cultures. You can point to many times and places in human history where "healthy and attractive" means fat as often as times and places where it means slim.

adriftabroad · 13/06/2022 10:38

Topgub · 13/06/2022 10:34

@adriftabroad

Your comment doesn't make sense

You do not make sense, as everyone is telling you.

You made your position on being obese clear, now is the time to leave it.

Glitteratitar · 13/06/2022 10:38

adriftabroad · 13/06/2022 10:33

I am guessing Topgub is a healthy size 10. But sticking up for healthy size 18.

Will not stick.

OP lose some weight for you and your child. (Your DH if you want to stay married) Size 18 is obese, even if you are 6ft.

I suspect so too tbh.

I need to get on with my work so I’m out!