Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

Fine, whatever you want to say to convince yourself that it's not even worth trying.

I think most people who can't lose weight are eating too much processed food.
There's been a lot about this recently and most people would lose weight if they ate real food made from fresh ingredients. All this reliance on factory produced food has messed us up.

@Topgub yes because most people lack self control , they eat too much (and the wrong things) and live sedentary lives.

Weight loss is hard, who wouldn't prefer the pizza over the chicken & veg? Who wouldn't lay on the sofa after work rather than go for a walk or to the gym ?

Most people prefer the tastier options, the less effort options.

Weight loss is hard but hard isn't impossible. The reason people struggle is due to their own self sabotage of their diets , not because dieting (calorie deficit) doesn't work.

There is nothing wrong preferring to be bigger and have a lazier lifestyle/eat more yummy unhealthy foods but don't try and say you wouldn't lose weight if you ate in a calorie deficit. Cos you would. Don't make excuses to make yourself feel better for not being able to stick to a diet.

@adriftabroad

Sure I am

Its not easy to lose weight. No one has to change to suit their partner. Expecting women to prioritise looks to suit their partner or how others perceive them is mysoginist. No one has to stay in a relationship they're unhappy in.

Makes perfect sense

I dont 'have to leave it' any more than you do.

@RhiRhi1996

I havent

I havent mentioned anything about calorie deficient diets. Not sure why you're saying I have

🤷‍♀️

This !
I would hope my DH told me he didn't find me attractive and gave me time (look after the child) while I went to the gym.
Marriage is hard work, and at least he is being honest... and trying to support you.
Get rid of all the treats in the house, and each set time for a jog

@SleeplessInEngland

I'm not convincing myself of anything

I'm not trying to lose weight

I’ve put on weight due to Ill health. For contrast my DH still tells me he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful despite a weird shape and scars. If he told me I was now too ugly to have sex with I’d imagine the marriage would be over. What’s the rest of your relationship like?

Yes, because you're convinced it's not even worth trying. You've made that clear.

I'd also add men hating sex with you proves nothing. Men will have sex with a woman then call her ugly after, if sex is all they want. It's not nice to feel undesirable, but if possible, I'd just lose the weight. Dating again won't turn out how you think just because men are willing to put their penis in you - they'll put it in anyone willing. I wouldn't be stubborn if this is fixable.

You're lovely. So where do you draw the line for looking the same as when you first met in order to remain attractive to your partner?

What about sagging skin/boobs? Wrinkles? Greying hair? Stretch marks?Moles?

Should people also maintain their looks through plastic surgery? Or do you only reserve these nonsense comments for fat people?

@SleeplessInEngland

No

If people want to lose weight they should try to.

Fat shaming doesn't work though, that's also proven to have the opposite effect.

Which is why I was pointing out how difficult it it.

Not because I think its not worth trying but to be realistic.

She can try. And it might not change anything

Then what?

@Topgub eh?? You're on about losing weight. The only way to lose weight is to be in a calorie deficit

If people are struggling to lose weight it's because they are not in a deficit.

You're saying most people can't lose weight, well it's not because it's an impossible task, they aren't doing it properly.

@RhiRhi1996

Clearly

But they're still not losing weight despite knowing how to do it 'properly'

If it was easy as just doing it properly no one would be fat

@onlythreenow

Why is is shallow?
It's really important that couples still find each other attractive, my dh is very toned & slim and yes, he is obviously ageing but he keeps in shape and looks great.
A little bit of a tummy & his hair changing etc isn't an issue but I wouldn't fancy him anymore if he was really big, however much I loved him.
I don't find overweight men attractive and I know dh feels the same. Is that wrong?

I wholeheartedly agree that we should not be coerced into finding someone sexually attractive but...

I also think we're looking at it from a female perspective - which being mn is totally reasonable.
Truth is that men on the whole aren't that bothered about things like weight when it comes down to sex. Perhaps extremely overweight or extremely thin would be a turn off.
I say this through bitter experience when as a slim 21-year-old my then bf used to tell me I was fat. At around 9 stone and 5 feet 4 tall I really really wasn't even a bit chubby.
He still went on to get himself a woman who was size 20 pregnant.
I do not care about her size. I do care that this man had a size 12 young girl thinking she was fat lied about her weight being an issue. Clearly for him he did not really care.
My weight did not matter a jot to this prick.
Sorry I really hate him. Making him me diet for nothing was I see now just controlling behaviour.

Now the OP's dh could very well be finding her sexually unattractive now but I also think my cynicism is also valid.

We don't really know.

My then bf is now a pot-bellied chubby fecker. Belly like a beach ball covered in meat. I saw him recently and could not resist telling him that he needed to lose a few pounds.

Look, he's said it to you and the rest is up to you.

@coconuthead

Ah, bingo! The oh so dull and predictable 'cool wife/girlfriend' comment 🙄

Such a lazy and pointless remark. Yawn.

Has the OP been back or name changed ?

Can't be bothered to look through 10 pages of what has now become a bun fight 🙄

@Topgub they aren't losing weight because they're not doing it properly. Or they're dieting Monday- Fri then binge eating and drinking on the weekends.

Sticking to a diet long term is hard. But long term is what yields results. It isn't impossible. many people have managed to lose weight as they stuck to it.

People love to use excuses so they don't have to take accountability for their weight / inability to lose weight.

This thread highlights what a toxic topic it is. OP if you do come back to post - I am sorry your husband was insensitive and upset you. But if you are both unhealthy it is a wise idea to try to do something about it for health reasons. Both of you together, like he suggested. I certainly would not do it because he told me he doesn’t find me sexy, that would put me off even more. But I’d look at my kid and think I’m doing it for ME, to be around for my kid longer and to have more energy for her.
I say that as someone who has lost 2.5 stone. It’s incredibly hard but I feel tons better and my doctor is very pleased, too. Bonus.

I can't speak for others on this thread but I've never fat-shamed. I know it doesn't work.

My own opinion is that people should want to stay in good shape for its own sake. But if your partner, who you don't believe to be otherwise abusive, tells you in good faith that you're becoming unattractive to them then that should be sufficient enough of an alarm bell.

If she tries to lose weight and doesn't, the 'what then?' is to keep trying because, as I say, your assertion that 'most people can't lose weight' is utterly absurd. It's not magic, it's just hard. No-one would pretend it isn't.

@catandcoffee no she hasn't but do you realise you can also click "see Ops posts" on op original post and it shows you all their posts in the thread

Not if they have cravings for food constantly. If you do a bit of research, you will see that the “eat less move more” stuff is nonsense. Yeah, eating less will cause weight loss and if someone imprisoned me and only fed me rations, I’d lose weight. However, if I am constantly hungry, eventually whatever will power I have will cave. Those who claim it’s super easy probably don’t spend most of the day starving hungry. Some peoples bodies really are their own worst enemies and people who haven’t experienced that can’t understand.

Nope, as it stands it's a 'posted once and fucked off' thread.