Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

Because you don't think men can care about health?

@VWBZ

So why do so many women use botox, lip fillers and breast enhancements if our idea of attractiveness on only about health?

I think this is a great excuse to join an expensive gym (paid out the joint account of course) and spend three lovely evenings a week there enjoying yourself!

You don't have to do hiit workouts, you could do a yoga or stretch class and then hit the jacuzzi / sauna hahaha. He will never know!

But according to your comments on this thread, if I told him I find him unattractive I’m also the problem?

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

They can

I just dont think its linked to what they find sexually attractive.

Not in most cases.

Big tits and lips, tiny waist and big arses have fuck all to do with being healthy

@Glitteratitar

Yes

Because its your issue. But the answer to the problem isn't to have sex you dont want

I've just said I don't find that stuff attractive. That is totally different to having all that work done than trying to stay in a healthy weight range.

I am not perfect I'm trying to lose 1/2 stone as I have too much fat in my middle area and I know it is not healthy for my internal organs. I'm not young anymore so need to do something about it.

Yeah, but that's not typically what is considered attractive. The standards for attractiveness are extreme for both men and women. Models, among others, are expect to go to extreme lengths in order to achieve it. These are measures that get quite a few of them killed.

I don't really understand why having a 4 year old child means you can't look after yourself more. If you didn't have her would you want to lose weight?

My dm is a large lady size 18-20 its not a healthy weight as much as a love my dm due to her size she suffered a heart attack at 52, she then had a double heart by pass at 58 and heart valve replacement she has spinal problems, mobility problems and breathlessness. I wouldn't find my own dh sexually attractive if he was that size and I'd be concerned for his health.

So I can’t tell my husband I find him unattractive because he gained weight.

I also can’t have sex with him now that I don’t enjoy it because I find him unattractive.

So what’s the solution? Stay in a sexless marriage with my husband because raising the matter with him is unacceptable. Because you can’t help who you’re attracted to.

@Glitteratitar

I didnt say you couldn't tell him

I've said overweight people don't have to lose weight to please their partners.

Thats not the same as saying you shouldn't tell him.

If you're not happy you should say so. But on the whole, people don't change.

Its incredibly rare for people to lose weight and maintain the loss.

So if he can't lose weight and you cant find him attractive then the relationship is over

Absolutely not hun!

I've had a man tell me a similar thing, but the problem isn't with you its obviously with him. He could have at least been more conscious of what he was saying because words like that can cause real issues for women. You are gorgeous and if he can't see and accept that then he should change, not you. It's your body and you decide what to do with it.

OP, you don't say what weight you were before. Having a baby changes a body, of course, but I know, for myself, going from a post-babies size 18 back to a size 12/14 made me feel great. Clothes fit better, I have more energy (which makes me more likely to go to dance fitness and feel great, etc), and DH is complimentary. (He also lost weight, but as a side-effect after having heart problems and having a fright). BUT it took me a very long time to lose it and it isn't easy with a lo.
I would say listen to him, and talk to him.

So what’s wrong with OP’s husband telling her they need to lose weight then? Putting aside my own inability to tell my husband that, OP’s husband has done that, so why are the comments that think
hes done nothing wrong grim and misogynistic?

Because it's rude and shallow and incredibly entitled to expect someone to change for you.

@Glitteratitar

Because they're all saying that women's main priority should be ensuring they stay slim and attractive at all times for their oh.

As if that's all a woman is worth

Not a stealth boast at all. I am exactly the same. It is not a boast, it is a fact.

At a UK size 18 the OP is obese. Not knowing her height, but she could be morbidly obese. I could not run round after toddlers at that weight. Or look attractive.

Her husband is being honest with her.

Being fat has been normalised. Especially in the UK and USA.

A lovely notion in theory, not really practical for a lifelong marriage with children invovled.

Totally agree

Well obviously that is completely nonsense but the majority of posters who support the husband haven’t suggested that?

But they are saying being attracted to your partner is important, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Where does that expectation of change stop?

If you have a lazy husband who doesn’t take care of kids, expecting change is entitled.

Or a husband who doesn’t work and a couple have to live on the breadline?

Or is it limited to situations where one person has already changed and the other is struggling with that change?

So all those saying the op should change because her husband can't change what he finds attractive.

You dont see the problem with that?

Why can't he be the one to change?

Its as easy to change what you find attractive as it is to lose weight

Why is it only down to the op to change to make sure they have a happy marriage?

No-one has said that, you are being disingenuous. The statement is that we tend to find what is attractive to be correlated with what is healthy. I think we have a lot of obese people in this discussion being very disingenuous about what is generally considered attractive, and what obesity means.

You'd be surprised what a difference being slightly overweight can make to your health. A couple of years ago my DH put on 1.5 stone. He's a fairly tall man and he went up to about 13.5 stone. His BMI increased to 27. He didn't look very fat although he'd developed a bigger belly and his face looked fatter. He size 34 waist trousers still fitted but were tight. Like I say, his BMI was 27 and I know many people with a BMI of 27 would think this is fine. Only very slightly overweight, not a problem. DH is also active - he runs, cycles etc. I always see him as a very fit person. Anyway, around this time he was called up for his over 40 health MOT. We were shocked by the results. He was only 40 but had high cholesterol, high blood pressure and high blood sugar (pre-diabetic). He was referred to the cardiology department of the hospital as they were concerned about him. He changed his lifestyle, lost weight and re-took the blood tests. Every test was now completely normal and he was out of danger! I think people need to realise that even being one stone overweight is risky. It's not good enough that someone who's a size 20 is only told that they're beautiful and gorgeous and their weight doesn't matter as long as they're happy. It does. If my DH put on lots of weight and I wouldn't find him as attractive but most of all I'd be scared for his health and future. He needs to stay healthy for his sake and for the children.