Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

Many a slim bride?

Just women huh? Not many a slim groom?

People aren't attracted to slim because it's healthy. They're conditioned to by all the messages around us telling us its more attractive. It has nothing to do with health. You can be slim and completely unhealthy

If course you shouldn't lose weight for someone else. And your dh should love you for you. But if he doesn't find you attractive anymore he may choose to leave the relationship. So it depends on how you feel about that really.

@Glitteratitar

Why on earth would you have sex just to go through the motions?!

Of course healthiness is attractive.

I dont think your husband has done anything wrong. He cant help how he feels. Being sexually attracted to someone does not corelate to loving someone. People who are saying hes out of order, what is he meant to do just not say anything? He will still feel like that inside just lying on the outside.

@VWBZ

How do you know someone is healthy?

If he is saying WE need to loose weight, what is he doing to loose weight himself?

If he is convinced that you need to loose weight and it’s important/essential to him, what is he doing to help you loose weight? As in has he proposed to look after dc to you can cook healthier meals, go to the gym, see a nutritionist for guidance? What is he actually doing?

Or does he mean, ‘I am not attracted to you anymore but I don’t dare saying it like this so I’ll say it’s your fault for having put weight on’ (regardless or not of the fact he might have put weight on himself, he isn’t adonis etc etc)

Weight and attractiveness has nothing to do with health?

Rubbish.

The body positivity movement has so much to answer for. Someone who is size eighteen is putting their health at risk no matter what else they are doing. They are at increased risk if diabetes, stroke, heart attack and joint problems compared to someone who’s a healthy weight. They are also going to need to be showering twice a day if they aren’t going to have hygiene issues too, another thing which is not pleasant for a partner.

This is such BS. You can't see "health" 99% of the time. How do you know that slim person with "perfect" skin and hair is healthy? There are so many conditions that don't manifest on the outside.

If we could see "health" what need would we still have for doctors? Anyone could diagnose anything just by looking at someone.

When I was at my skinniest (not even underweight) and people told me I looked great, I was also at my least healthiest. Why? Because I was dealing with horrendous anemia, which apart from being somewhat pale people can't see. I had no energy and I was miserable. But people didn't care, because I looked "healthy" and they found it attractive.

I'd have to let mine go if he was this shallow, I'm afraid.

I'm willing to bet he doesn't exactly look like a Men's Health cover model himself.

@NotKevinTurvey

What?

Why would someone a size 18 need to shower twice a day?!

Overweight people are at higher risk of being unhealthy. But thats not why some people find them less attractive.

Attraction is subjective and not related health. Folk just use it as an excuse for their bias

There is a difference between recognising that YOU have an issue with your dwife having put weight on and making her RESPONSIBLE for the fact you are not attracted to her anymore.

The fact he isn’t attracted to her is HIS issue, not the OP.
Im sure that he has changed too in that same time. He hasn’t given birth. He isn’t short of time to look after himself (see comment about not having for herself). Accepting that your partner will change with time is part if growing old together.

Fwiw telling someone they have to loose weight because they are not attractive anymore and they would be responsible for the marriage breaking up is the best way to ensure that the person rebels and tells you to fuck off.
(Or you’ve made them feel so guilty that they will make the effort etc… and then you have destroyed the marriage anyway by destroying her self esteem and using controlling tactics to get what you want)

Probably not a popular opinion but I do think that, within reason, both sides of a couple should try to stay in ok shape for the sake of the other. So I guess my question is: is he doing that too if he expects it of you?

Very good post, well said.
Also love the way you saw through the bullshit of ’caring about health’.

We’ve been seeking out healthy mates for hundreds of millions of years. To pretend that this has stopped because Cosmopolitan features some obese models is not tenable.

Of course you don't know if someone is 100% healthy but most people who do a
physical hobby, who like walking, gardening, DIY are mostly not going to be overweight and I find that attractive.

You can't help who you find attractive. To say that we have made to find slim people attractive and it is not our preference is rubbish.

@VWBZ

Of course we have been.

What is considered attractive changes all the time.

Its why fashion is a thing. And why different cultures find different things attractive

I know loads of overweight people with physical jobs and hobbies

I think people deep down know how shallow it is to base attractiveness on weight so they try to justify it by saying they care about health when they don't.

If you dont find fat attractive, thats fine. That's your own preference. You dont need to justify it.

Because women with their ribs sticking out, impants, toxins in and on their skin and their body numb in places from scar tissue from all the surgery they've had is so "healthy"?

Or alternatively, a thirteen year old dressed up as an older, sexy woman and we pretend that looking like that in your twenties and thirties, when your body is fully developed, is at all realistic.

Because I didn’t have the confidence to tell my husband I now find him unattractive after the weight gain and don’t want to have sex with him. There’s only so many “I’m really tired tonight” excuses I could use before he would have realised I don’t want to have sex with him, and I didn’t want to tell him I find him unattractive.

My Dad got overweight and ended up having a stent fitted as he nearly had a heart attack. He's now a lot healthier since he lost weight and changed his lifestyle. Same as my Uncle who got diabetes and lost weight to keep it under control.

looks like he is preparing excuses/reasons to have an affair

@Glitteratitar

Youre lying to him and letting him think you want sex when you don't

Thats much worse. No one should want sex with someone who doesn't want it/ is just going through the motions

The idea that most men care about health when they say they don't find overweight women attractive is ridiculous

I don't like any of that. I'm talking natural.

If you dont find fat attractive, thats fine. That's your own preference. You dont need to justify it.

Exactly it's a preference. It's not fat phobic to have that preference.