Page 22 | Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

Vikinga · 14/06/2022 03:13

kateandme · 14/06/2022 03:09

Your size dies not indicate your health.just saying.
And to look good and be fancied.why do u feel the need that that's at a smaller size.youve been conditioned that thinner equals better and prettier.who defined fanciable.
Who turned our attractiveness into the thin ideal.
It's a myth and not based on anything but possibly diet company's and idiots.slim dies not equal prettier.it certainly shouldn't do.its something we grown to think via influence.and it's got to stop it's getting too harmful

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Size has a massive impact on health - heart problems, cancer, diabetes, cholesterol, stroke, osteoarthritis. It is very damaging to say otherwise.

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 04:56

kateandme · 14/06/2022 03:09

Your size dies not indicate your health.just saying.
And to look good and be fancied.why do u feel the need that that's at a smaller size.youve been conditioned that thinner equals better and prettier.who defined fanciable.
Who turned our attractiveness into the thin ideal.
It's a myth and not based on anything but possibly diet company's and idiots.slim dies not equal prettier.it certainly shouldn't do.its something we grown to think via influence.and it's got to stop it's getting too harmful

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Absolutely what I am trying to say ! A woman is worth so much more than her body and any man who places his attraction to his wife only or even mostly on her being thin is a fool

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 04:59

Vikinga · 14/06/2022 03:13

Size has a massive impact on health - heart problems, cancer, diabetes, cholesterol, stroke, osteoarthritis. It is very damaging to say otherwise.

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So is being bitter , having narrow ideals of what’s beautiful and being a nasty person in general
there are by the way plenty of heavier people who are healthy and I also know plenty of thin people with health issues
at the end of the day it’s their choice and not yours to judge them .
id rather spend time with a heavier and a nice person than a thin judgemental one

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 05:02

Vikinga · 14/06/2022 03:10

You're right. But if I was a man and my wife had grown to a size 18 I would be worried about her health and would encourage a healthier lifestyle. And vice versa.

I am only posting here because it isn't good so many people saying that a size 18 is normal and fine. It isn't and it is nothing to do with looks.

I'm 5ft 6 and I'm overweight at a size 14. Or possibly obese in the charts. It is physically uncomfortable (clothes dig in, more sweaty etc) .

Size 18 is likely to be morbidly obese.

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He made it clear it’s about attraction not worry for her health
she has every right not to have to conomy to what he ‘seems ‘ attractive
luckily women live in an age when we don’t have to stay in unhappy relationships and we have autonomy to be the person we want to be inckuding look how we want to look

Tonka2 · 14/06/2022 06:30

"My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to
each other again to save our relationship"

A seemingly harsh comment, but there's not enough context. Perhaps it's a last ditch effort to save the marriage. If someone has put on weight to the point they are morbidly obese and their marriage is sexless, I think their partner has every right to mention it.

RhiRhi1996 · 14/06/2022 07:51

Yes , she does have every right not to change for a man, but he has every right not to stay in a relationship with someone he no longer finds sexually attractive. I don't know about everyone else, but I'd MUCH prefer my husband to TELL me what op husband has said than to just leave me. Because rhats the only other option isn't it ? You guys can't be suggesting he just sucks it up and pretends the loss of sexual attraction isn't there. Personally, I don't see how anyone at a size 18 is living a healthy lifestyle. Now as others have mentioned, just because your slimmer does not mean you live healthily either. But at a size 18 , I'd know myself that I was overweight at best, obese at worst and it wasn't healthy. I'd much prefer my husband to tell me than to just leave because he no longer find me attractive. It shows he cares for me and loves me, he isn't clicking his fingers putting her down to lose weight. But sex is an important part of a relationship for most, and if your partners weight gain has gotten to the point that you struggle to feel turned on by them.. Well that cannot be ignored. I think this whole "take me as i am" "I'm perfect the way I am" is toxic and just an excuse for people not taking accountability. Sure some people like big people, so if you like your size and don't wanna lose weight , you're completely in your right to leave him and find someone who loves your body. But the husband can't help if it turns him off. It's not selfish to not want to lose weight, but what IS selfish is not wanting to lose weight and then DEMANDING your husband find you sexually attractive whatever you look like. I think he done the right thing, communicating his thoughts/ problems within the relationship. What OP does with that info is completely up to her and neither decision is wrong.

TheOrigRights · 14/06/2022 08:03

The op says in her first post that she doesn't find time to look after herself.
To me, this indicates that she would like to lose weight (unless her "looking after herself" is not at all related to her weight and thus not relevant to the post).
She acknowledges that she either doesn't or can't prioritise her health.

I'm still not sure why having a 4 year old (even if you are doing all the childcare and household and working) means you can't lose weight.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 14/06/2022 08:36

Mwnci123 · 13/06/2022 13:02

Love and wanting sex aren't the same thing.

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Whatever, still wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.
And if someone leaves because lack of sex or ”sexual attraction”, then there was nothing to begin with and nothing will have been lost.

Stevie6 · 14/06/2022 08:38

mmmmmmghturep · 14/06/2022 00:21

Given that this site has been showing up as not secure all night..........

It's a public forum, never anything secure about this place, lazy journalists dream

AllAloneInThisHouse · 14/06/2022 08:50

mmmmmmghturep · 13/06/2022 17:42

@AllAloneInThisHouse Yes Im 49 (this week) and ive certainly noticed that attitude in women over 60, over 70 even more so.

Seems like they base their worth on their looks (and with that ”having a man”, which is another topic/problem) so that’s why such a visceral response to women who dare to be heavier and have the audacity to not start loosing the weigh.

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 08:58

RhiRhi1996 · 14/06/2022 07:51

Yes , she does have every right not to change for a man, but he has every right not to stay in a relationship with someone he no longer finds sexually attractive. I don't know about everyone else, but I'd MUCH prefer my husband to TELL me what op husband has said than to just leave me. Because rhats the only other option isn't it ? You guys can't be suggesting he just sucks it up and pretends the loss of sexual attraction isn't there. Personally, I don't see how anyone at a size 18 is living a healthy lifestyle. Now as others have mentioned, just because your slimmer does not mean you live healthily either. But at a size 18 , I'd know myself that I was overweight at best, obese at worst and it wasn't healthy. I'd much prefer my husband to tell me than to just leave because he no longer find me attractive. It shows he cares for me and loves me, he isn't clicking his fingers putting her down to lose weight. But sex is an important part of a relationship for most, and if your partners weight gain has gotten to the point that you struggle to feel turned on by them.. Well that cannot be ignored. I think this whole "take me as i am" "I'm perfect the way I am" is toxic and just an excuse for people not taking accountability. Sure some people like big people, so if you like your size and don't wanna lose weight , you're completely in your right to leave him and find someone who loves your body. But the husband can't help if it turns him off. It's not selfish to not want to lose weight, but what IS selfish is not wanting to lose weight and then DEMANDING your husband find you sexually attractive whatever you look like. I think he done the right thing, communicating his thoughts/ problems within the relationship. What OP does with that info is completely up to her and neither decision is wrong.

No not suggesting he stays and would never demand anyone be attracted to me , whether that’s for my weight, hair colour , age or whatever else
I prefer if a man was so shallow as to lose his attraction to me because of weight gain that would mean his attraction to me was entirely consisting of my body . I want a man who’s a lot deeper than that and who’s attraction runs a lot deeper too .
if prefer he left in that situation . That way I’ll be happy and he can find another thin woman who may ultimately gain weight too
ime Men who are overly concerned with appearance will always find something because even if we don’t all gain weight we do all get older and you see plenty of this type up and leaving for the younger woman because they are no longer attracted to their same age as them wives .

Topgub · 14/06/2022 08:58

@AllAloneInThisHouse

Interesting point

Maybe that's why those shouting that women should never gain weight are so insecure?

They're projecting their own fear that theor oh would stop finding them attractive and would leave them

Must be awful for your relationship to be less than solid or based on looks alone

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 09:23

Topgub · 14/06/2022 08:58

@AllAloneInThisHouse

Interesting point

Maybe that's why those shouting that women should never gain weight are so insecure?

They're projecting their own fear that theor oh would stop finding them attractive and would leave them

Must be awful for your relationship to be less than solid or based on looks alone

Yet again missing the point. It's not about your relationship being built on looks, you can absolutely love a fat person for the person they are, same way as you can love any sized person for the person they are inside but you don't have to be sexually attracted to them. You have no control over this. None whatsoever.
There will be many many people who can ignore weight gain and it makes not a jot of difference to how they feel sexually about a person and there are those who just don't find it sexually attractive, they just don't. That's what people are missing here, they think it is some shallowness or flaw on the person not feeling it, it's not, they are just not feeling it, it is beyond their control. It cannot be helped and people should not be vilified because they body will not cooperate with finding weight a turn on. You cannot make someone feel something that they don't. I cannot understand how people don't see that.
Those of you who are fat and have partners who love you no matter what size, that is great, honestly it is. Your partners are obviously not put off by fat but there are people who are, their desire wanes when there are rolls of fat where there was none before. It is not being mean or nasty or shallow. It is being honest.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 09:34

@Adamantspants

It is indeed nasty. And shallow

Regardless of how controllable you think it is.

Thewookiemustgo · 14/06/2022 09:35

Your question is “Am I being selfish in not losing weight?”.

No, your weight is your issue and if you are ok with it then so be it. Also it cannot be selfish if you truly ‘can’t’ lose weight because of day to day issues. You can only be accused of being selfish if you have a choice over whether you can do something or not, and are choosing not to lose weight. You state that you actually can’t, so selfish doesn’t come into it. I personally think it is not easy, in a busy lifestyle, but not impossible, for anyone to lose weight except in medical/ prescribed drug situations. So ask yourself honestly if ‘can’t’ means ‘don’t want to.’

However:

Whatever the side issues of whether it is healthy or not, or whether your husband is being shallow or doesn’t really love you if he doesn’t appreciate you whatever size you are, are neither here nor there, since he has been honest enough to say what he really feels about it. As far as your marriage goes, what is ok with you and him is your business and whatever we think of his views, they are stated clearly.

He is using strong words, OP.

“Save the marriage “
“doesn’t find me attractive.”

“can’t live in a sexless marriage.”
This sounds like he feels that your marriage is on the brink. He has been honest and communicated his needs in your relationship, he has used “we” in order to get on board with you and do it together, he has not belittled you or used derogatory language.
We can’t help what we do/do not find attractive. It doesn’t mean we don’t love someone if we start to struggle to find them sexually attractive at a noticeably different size to the one they were when we were first attracted to them. He’s tried to say it as nicely as possible and it’s far better and healthier in any relationship to be honest and face issues rather than just leave without giving your partner a chance to decide whether the request is reasonable or not.

He loves you enough to tell you, he loves you enough and wants the relationship enough to change and help you change (if you want to). If you don’t want to, and he continues to struggle over sex, your marriage will end, whether he loves you or not. I think he does.
Men quite rightly get handed their arses on a plate on MN for suddenly leaving partners, or having affairs without telling their partners what was wrong and giving them (and the relationship) a chance to decide whether or not to address the concerns raised. If your husband had suddenly left you or found someone else for sex without having let you know how he felt before this, without having given you a chance to decide whether it was reasonable or not to meet those needs, he would get rightly slated.

Whether he’s being reasonable/ unreasonable here, whether you are being selfish/ not selfish here, could be debated all day. What is obvious, though, is that you are in a sexless marriage, he doesn’t want that (not many do) he has stated why he finds it difficult to initiate sex, he has stated the marriage is in dire straits and needs saving, and if nothing changes, then it looks like your marriage in all likelihood will be over.

So, selfish or not isn’t the issue. Do you want to be married to him or not?

This isn’t going to be popular but hey ho:

Losing weight unless you have a medical condition or are on medication which makes that difficult, is not impossible for anyone, in any lifestyle.
Otherwise everyone who has the same lifestyle issues would be overweight. Not everyone in similar circumstances is.
If we are not physically impaired, and have ten minutes to sit and watch tv, or to scroll down our phone on social media 😉 we have ten minutes a day to go for a brisk walk or jog on the spot. Even ten minutes daily over time makes a big difference. Cutting out one snack a day makes a difference over time. Big changes are hard to maintain, smaller steps one at a time are easier to do. And they work. But it’s a free choice and there’s no shame in not doing this and being happy as you are.

The choice is yours, OP. It’s not selfish to not want to lose weight, no, but it’s very clear that it might end your marriage if you don’t, whether we think your husband is right or not. He can’t help what he does/ doesn’t find attractive any more than you or I can. I think he loves you and I like his honesty and desire to openly communicate and save your marriage.

Blossomtoes · 14/06/2022 09:41

If “saving the marriage” is dependent on someone losing weight I’d say the ship’s already sailed. If I were OP I’d be making other arrangements and filing divorce papers. If she loses weight he’ll find something else to criticise.

TicketyBoo11 · 14/06/2022 09:43

I’m so sorry OP , I don’t have to imagine how you feel because I’ve been there..am still there..You may find it hard to recover from your DHs comments, when my DH told me he didn’t find me as sexually attractive as he used to the bottom fell out of world. It’s not his fault, I asked him why he couldn’t/found it stressful to get hard and he told me why. I asked, he told. The impact on my ,already bumpy, self esteem has been devastating. Even though I agreed with him and we have. been exercising and eating healthy together those comments sit at the back of my mind and torment me. They’re what I hear when I look in the mirror in the morning and when I turn the light off at night. I imagine he looks at other women because he doesn’t want to look at me. Be kinder to yourself than I am please. Your marriage may well not survive. Mine neither. X

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 09:57

Topgub · 14/06/2022 09:34

@Adamantspants

It is indeed nasty. And shallow

Regardless of how controllable you think it is.

Not nasty to not be able to get a horn because fat turns you off. How the hell is that anyone's fucking fault???

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:00

Thewookiemustgo · 14/06/2022 09:35

Your question is “Am I being selfish in not losing weight?”.

No, your weight is your issue and if you are ok with it then so be it. Also it cannot be selfish if you truly ‘can’t’ lose weight because of day to day issues. You can only be accused of being selfish if you have a choice over whether you can do something or not, and are choosing not to lose weight. You state that you actually can’t, so selfish doesn’t come into it. I personally think it is not easy, in a busy lifestyle, but not impossible, for anyone to lose weight except in medical/ prescribed drug situations. So ask yourself honestly if ‘can’t’ means ‘don’t want to.’

However:

Whatever the side issues of whether it is healthy or not, or whether your husband is being shallow or doesn’t really love you if he doesn’t appreciate you whatever size you are, are neither here nor there, since he has been honest enough to say what he really feels about it. As far as your marriage goes, what is ok with you and him is your business and whatever we think of his views, they are stated clearly.

He is using strong words, OP.

“Save the marriage “
“doesn’t find me attractive.”

“can’t live in a sexless marriage.”
This sounds like he feels that your marriage is on the brink. He has been honest and communicated his needs in your relationship, he has used “we” in order to get on board with you and do it together, he has not belittled you or used derogatory language.
We can’t help what we do/do not find attractive. It doesn’t mean we don’t love someone if we start to struggle to find them sexually attractive at a noticeably different size to the one they were when we were first attracted to them. He’s tried to say it as nicely as possible and it’s far better and healthier in any relationship to be honest and face issues rather than just leave without giving your partner a chance to decide whether the request is reasonable or not.

He loves you enough to tell you, he loves you enough and wants the relationship enough to change and help you change (if you want to). If you don’t want to, and he continues to struggle over sex, your marriage will end, whether he loves you or not. I think he does.
Men quite rightly get handed their arses on a plate on MN for suddenly leaving partners, or having affairs without telling their partners what was wrong and giving them (and the relationship) a chance to decide whether or not to address the concerns raised. If your husband had suddenly left you or found someone else for sex without having let you know how he felt before this, without having given you a chance to decide whether it was reasonable or not to meet those needs, he would get rightly slated.

Whether he’s being reasonable/ unreasonable here, whether you are being selfish/ not selfish here, could be debated all day. What is obvious, though, is that you are in a sexless marriage, he doesn’t want that (not many do) he has stated why he finds it difficult to initiate sex, he has stated the marriage is in dire straits and needs saving, and if nothing changes, then it looks like your marriage in all likelihood will be over.

So, selfish or not isn’t the issue. Do you want to be married to him or not?

This isn’t going to be popular but hey ho:

Losing weight unless you have a medical condition or are on medication which makes that difficult, is not impossible for anyone, in any lifestyle.
Otherwise everyone who has the same lifestyle issues would be overweight. Not everyone in similar circumstances is.
If we are not physically impaired, and have ten minutes to sit and watch tv, or to scroll down our phone on social media 😉 we have ten minutes a day to go for a brisk walk or jog on the spot. Even ten minutes daily over time makes a big difference. Cutting out one snack a day makes a difference over time. Big changes are hard to maintain, smaller steps one at a time are easier to do. And they work. But it’s a free choice and there’s no shame in not doing this and being happy as you are.

The choice is yours, OP. It’s not selfish to not want to lose weight, no, but it’s very clear that it might end your marriage if you don’t, whether we think your husband is right or not. He can’t help what he does/ doesn’t find attractive any more than you or I can. I think he loves you and I like his honesty and desire to openly communicate and save your marriage.

Absolutely bang on!

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:02

Blossomtoes · 14/06/2022 09:41

If “saving the marriage” is dependent on someone losing weight I’d say the ship’s already sailed. If I were OP I’d be making other arrangements and filing divorce papers. If she loses weight he’ll find something else to criticise.

Saving the marriage is saving the sex life. His issue is her weight.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:03

Its not bang on

Its the usual sexist rubbish that a womans only function is to ensure she pleases her man.

Its all about her making sure he doesn't leave her.

Fuck that

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:08

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:03

Its not bang on

Its the usual sexist rubbish that a womans only function is to ensure she pleases her man.

Its all about her making sure he doesn't leave her.

Fuck that

It's absolutely bang on. Most people want a sex life. Some people cannot perform sex with a fat person. End of.

You are Ok though because you OH likes you any which way you are so he obviously doesn't mind fat.

I do and so do many others.

It's the way life is. People cannot help what they are attracted to. I am attracted to many things in my husband but if he put on 3 stone and wanted me to still find him sexually attractive with a huge belly and moobs, it wouldn't happen. I would want it to happen because I Love him and I don't want to hurt him but my body would be screaming no and i would be having sex because I felt I had to instead of wanting to. Neither partner wants that.

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:14

@Adamantspants

Exactly

She doesn't owe him sex. She doesn't have to change.

Demanding someone changes in order to please you sexually isn't about love or saving a marriage.

If the ops oh could only have sex anally or if he hit her first would it be OK for her to do it to 'save' her marriage?

After all he can't help what gives him the 'horn'

(I was unaware anyone except teen boys used that)

Adamantspants · 14/06/2022 10:18

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:14

@Adamantspants

Exactly

She doesn't owe him sex. She doesn't have to change.

Demanding someone changes in order to please you sexually isn't about love or saving a marriage.

If the ops oh could only have sex anally or if he hit her first would it be OK for her to do it to 'save' her marriage?

After all he can't help what gives him the 'horn'

(I was unaware anyone except teen boys used that)

She absolutely doesn't have to change same way as he doesn't have to change his sexual preference or ability. He couldn't if he tried, she could if she so decided.
How on earth can you compare hitting her to wanting her to lose weight?
Absolute shite argument.

TheOrigRights · 14/06/2022 10:21

Topgub · 14/06/2022 10:14

@Adamantspants

Exactly

She doesn't owe him sex. She doesn't have to change.

Demanding someone changes in order to please you sexually isn't about love or saving a marriage.

If the ops oh could only have sex anally or if he hit her first would it be OK for her to do it to 'save' her marriage?

After all he can't help what gives him the 'horn'

(I was unaware anyone except teen boys used that)

OP's DH hasn't said (as far as we know) that the OP owe's him sex, only that he doesn't find her sexually attractive. He has said they both need to lose weight. That sounds like a crude fact.
OP has said she doesn't have time to look after herself, which indicates she acknowledges she is not in good shape.