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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

683 replies

Boo123456 · 12/06/2022 19:42

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

OP posts:
mmmmmmghturep · 13/06/2022 22:19

Lets see shall we. I still have their e mail address. And i think they will care because it would certainly put paid to any lucrative business partnerships with any similar charities.

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 22:21

mmmmmmghturep · 13/06/2022 22:17

Well you certainly dont care about health Little Miss Concern Troller. Otherwise you would have responded to my comment about what to do if a partner prefers you bigger.

Luckily though i get the same amount of mind blowing sex and orgasms from my partner whatever size i am. If you were you might not be so uptight.

Missed it among your other crap. No I wouldn’t get fatter for my husband because i value my health.

mmmmmmghturep · 13/06/2022 22:23

@Adamantspants it wasnt aimed at you. Hums Paranoimia by the Art of Noise and Max Headroom

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 22:24

Love that track!!

VWBZ · 13/06/2022 22:26

I try and stay slim for three reasons - my health, I like to feel good and because I want my lovely DH to fancy me. If you can't be bothered that's fine but it makes my life better. It does take work though.

VWBZ · 13/06/2022 22:29

What is having a four year old got to do with it? I walked with the pushchair everywhere and did a fitness video with a toddler crawling all over me.

mmmmmmghturep · 13/06/2022 22:36

a lovely DH who did no childcare while you were working out.

I never wanted to risk being in that kind of situation so thats why im child free by choice. A life of drudgery plus pressure to look a certain way to maintain said life of drudgery No thanks. I do things like health for myself.

skinnythick · 13/06/2022 22:38

@doyouwantachuffedybadge size 18 is definitely not ‘the norm’, no matter how loudly you protest

Stevie6 · 14/06/2022 00:14

Nice work Alice 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

mmmmmmghturep · 14/06/2022 00:21

Given that this site has been showing up as not secure all night..........

ArcheryAnnie · 14/06/2022 00:48

but let’s not pretend that it is anything but shameful

I find the internalised self-hatred and the hatred of other women revealed by this sentence really sad.

Iamthewalnut · 14/06/2022 00:55

I'm a size 18.

I was a size 12 when met my husband 11 years ago.

Prior to that, I was effortlessly a size 6 for over a decade.

Am I overweight? Yes.

Would I like to lose weight? Of course, mainly for health reasons.

Do I feel less attractive when I compare my current self to my past self? Yes.

Do I feel less desirable because of my weight? Absolutely not - the sexual attraction my husband says he has for me isn't conditional on me being a certain weight - it's in my smile, my eyes, the way I respond to him.

I know full well that my polycystic ovaries are the reason I can't lose weight no matter how healthily I eat or how often I exercise.

Would I still be with my husband or anyone who didn't find me attractive regardless of what the scales said? No, I couldn't bear it.

Ticksallboxes · 14/06/2022 01:05

A size 18 is by no means huge - it's actually the norm.

What?? Where do you live?

I think I've come across a size 18 person about five times in my life and I'm late 40s. This is scary stuff!!

cobden28 · 14/06/2022 01:07

Losing weight because your husband asks you to doesn't produce the desired results, in my experience. Back in 1979 my husband said he didn't want to take me out dancing any more because I was fat (5 ft 5 ins tall and a dress size 16) and always wore the same dress when we went out. He said that if I lost weight and bought some new dresses he'd then take me out. So I practically starved myself to get down to a UK size 12 and had to buy a a complete new wardrobe because my old stuff was too big.....and from 1980 onwards he never took me out dancing again.

Thus, losing weight for your husband doesn't work. I could have saved myself the cost of a new wardrobe by not losing weight in the first place, if I realised in advance that my husband wasn't going to be taking me out dancing ever again.

I felt proud of myself at the time for losing almost 3 stone in weight but frankly it was all a waste of time. So long as I can find comfortable and stylish clothes in my present clothing size I don't see thr sense in dieting just because your partner thinks you 'ought' to go on a diet.

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 02:16

FOTB · 12/06/2022 21:27

He's telling you that he's not attracted to you at the size you are, and possibly this is compounded by him not feeling confident about his own body. Yes, other men might want to have sex with you looking the way you do, but he's not other men. He's your husband.

Do you want him to feel sexually attracted to you? Do you want to lose the weight to make that possible, or would you rather call time and find someone else who likes your current size just as you are?

If you and your husband both want you to lose weight, it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to insist that he looks after your daughter more so you can go to the gym or go for a run. It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to help out more with the cooking, so you can eat healthier, more balanced meals. He's allowed to declare a size preference, but that means he has to facilitate you being able to get there. He can't just say something like that and expect you to do everything.

Agree he can’t expect her to do everything but why then do you call it ‘helping’ with the housework ad if it’s her job because she’s a woman
or him looking after ‘your daughter ….
he’s 50 percent a parent isn’t he . Their daughter
lots if sexist assumptions here
OP no , I think only lose weight for you .

Vikinga · 14/06/2022 02:17

Regardless of what your husband says or feels, you should lose weight, it is very unhealthy to be that size.

I've gone from a comfortable size 12/14 to a tight fitting size 14 and feel uncomfortable. I need to lose 2 stones to be at an ok weight and I am determined to do it in the next few months. Not for my boyfriend, but for my health and self esteem.

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 02:21

VWBZ · 13/06/2022 22:26

I try and stay slim for three reasons - my health, I like to feel good and because I want my lovely DH to fancy me. If you can't be bothered that's fine but it makes my life better. It does take work though.

I like to look after my health for my future but I also like to put more time into cultivating kindness and compassion, learning , spending time with friends and family , Understanding that everyone’s different and it’s not every woman’s priority to go out jogging with a toddler , or to cater to the male gaze ( even if that gaze be one of a man she’s married to ) …. as far as my husband being attracted to me if he’s a shallow twat who can’t see beyond appearances that then I’d rather he move along tbh …

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 02:24

Vikinga · 14/06/2022 02:17

Regardless of what your husband says or feels, you should lose weight, it is very unhealthy to be that size.

I've gone from a comfortable size 12/14 to a tight fitting size 14 and feel uncomfortable. I need to lose 2 stones to be at an ok weight and I am determined to do it in the next few months. Not for my boyfriend, but for my health and self esteem.

Ok so that’s what’s right for YOU but why do people feel it’s ok to tell others what they ‘should do regarding their bodies ?
last time I looked there weee plenty of stupid uneducated people but I didn’t think I had the right to tell them they ‘should ‘ read a little 😂

onlythreenow · 14/06/2022 02:36

There are people saying they are size 18, that’s not a bit heavier than being slim, it’s huge.

What a horrible thing to say. Size 18 is not huge, ffs. Some of you seem to live very sheltered lives.

onlythreenow · 14/06/2022 02:47

Maybe most of these comments are from older women, from the time where they believed woman’s worth is tied to her weight and looks.
And that’s why so many comments are so toxic.

I'm in my 60s and have NEVER believed that a woman's worth is tied to her weight and looks, and nor do my friends think that. If any man told me I should lose weight for him to find me attractive he would be shown the door!

mmmmmmghturep · 14/06/2022 02:58

Oh @Dancingboots Well spotted re your post at 2.16 i missed the "helping out" reference and the "your daughter" comment. Says it all though doesnt it. That poster obvs sees it as babysitting rather than parenting when the father does it.

kateandme · 14/06/2022 03:09

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 02:21

I like to look after my health for my future but I also like to put more time into cultivating kindness and compassion, learning , spending time with friends and family , Understanding that everyone’s different and it’s not every woman’s priority to go out jogging with a toddler , or to cater to the male gaze ( even if that gaze be one of a man she’s married to ) …. as far as my husband being attracted to me if he’s a shallow twat who can’t see beyond appearances that then I’d rather he move along tbh …

Show quote history

Your size dies not indicate your health.just saying.
And to look good and be fancied.why do u feel the need that that's at a smaller size.youve been conditioned that thinner equals better and prettier.who defined fanciable.
Who turned our attractiveness into the thin ideal.
It's a myth and not based on anything but possibly diet company's and idiots.slim dies not equal prettier.it certainly shouldn't do.its something we grown to think via influence.and it's got to stop it's getting too harmful

Vikinga · 14/06/2022 03:10

Dancingboots · 14/06/2022 02:24

Ok so that’s what’s right for YOU but why do people feel it’s ok to tell others what they ‘should do regarding their bodies ?
last time I looked there weee plenty of stupid uneducated people but I didn’t think I had the right to tell them they ‘should ‘ read a little 😂

Show quote history

You're right. But if I was a man and my wife had grown to a size 18 I would be worried about her health and would encourage a healthier lifestyle. And vice versa.

I am only posting here because it isn't good so many people saying that a size 18 is normal and fine. It isn't and it is nothing to do with looks.

I'm 5ft 6 and I'm overweight at a size 14. Or possibly obese in the charts. It is physically uncomfortable (clothes dig in, more sweaty etc) .

Size 18 is likely to be morbidly obese.